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originally posted in: Art Hub
3/9/2015 5:20:06 AM
3
Not that should bother. But I feel like posting the rough idea of the opening to a story I recently started work on. [spoiler]Columns of smoke blew out across the horizon on the winds, on grey skies as the early morning sun dawned. Always, across the grey battered landscape, under the rubble of once towering superstructures which now lay sprawled across the ground overtop of each other in a great tangle like a fallen forest. Jericho stared up through the haze of grey, of smoke and fires on the winds. Up, up far beyond the scorched ground he walked on, to the immense blotch in the sky. He couldn’t make out the finer details. But it was always there. More light filtered in through the everlasting haze of dust and smoke that blew across the ruins of this world. The sound of gunfire in the distance brought his attention away from the sky. Jericho sighed. “Right. Go over this with me, one more time.” Standing in front of him, another man, as worn and dirty as Jericho himself, clad in rough and by now barely functioning armour for its intended purpose, smiled under a veil across his face as he held a small pistol up to Jericho, keeping it steady on him. The man pointed up to the blotch in the sky. “It’s a simple damn plan Jericho. You get up there. Find a way to smuggle some of what they’ve got on that ship down here. And if you can’t do that, sabotage the other side. It’s our only chance.” Jericho looked up the station that hung in the sky. “Do we even have any idea what’s up in that ship?” The man shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. We need what they have. It’s the only way we’re going to win down here. It’s us or them Jer. That ship up there is just making everything a damn stalemate.” Jericho sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.” The man raised his gun once more. “Hey, if it counts for anything, you’re the best man for this job Jer. I know you’ll get us what we need. You always do. It’ll be fine.” The man chuckled. “And hey. It’s not every day I get to shoot your smug ass.” Jericho rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, laugh it up.” Jericho sighed, holding out his arms. “Right. Remember. I need to be dying. Not dead. Gutshot. Punctured lung. That whole deal.” “Jer. I’m a crack shot.” Jericho took a deep breath. “Right. Okay.” The man chuckled. “It’s gonna hurt Jer.” “I’ve been shot before.” “Not like this.” Jericho sighed. “Right. On three.” The man across from Jericho nodded. “Okay. Ready? One.” Jericho took a deep breath and spoke. “Two.” A bolt of energy discharged from the pistol, traveling clean through Jericho’s chest, vaporizing whatever the beam passed through and exiting out the other side. The pistol hummed as its power cells cycled and two more shots rang out, passing through him and burning clean through. The wounds were clean. Surgical in their mathematical perfection as the beams passed through him. But pain became a quickly arriving feeling as Jericho’s legs gave out from under him and all sense of balance was discarded as he fell onto the dirt and ash, now dying. The man walked up to Jericho. “Sorry Jer. Hurts less if you don’t expect it. I’ve gotta scram before the drones show up to get you. Best of luck pal.” The man patted Jericho on the shoulder as he was helpless to say anything as he clutched at the dirt and gasped for air as his vision started to fade. Footsteps rung in his ears as the man began running. Gunfire sounded out in the distance, a background noise across the entire planet like the forgotten and unnoticed thump of a heartbeat. And on the wind, as ash and dust blew across the remnants of this fallen world, the hum of engines could be heard. Drones, quickly making landfall from sub-orbital levels, which scoured the entire planet with nearly uncountable numbers, were now coming for him. Descending down to his dying form like vultures. But, to most, to simple people, simple minded or uneducated because this world had only known fighting for so long, these machines were not vultures. They were angels. Jericho’s vision faded to black as the last thing burned into his eyes was light. Bright searchlights and scanners. He had his ticket to heaven now. [/spoiler]
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  • It all seems well constructed but I have two harmless criticisms: Get rid of "fades to black" (too cliche) and Jericho sighs/breathes deeply way too many times in a short period. You got your point across early on and all of the rest of the sighing felt unnecessary. Hope this helps. Seems like a pretty cool world altogether.

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  • Rough draft was all. I go back through later on and spot most of the stuff like you mentioned. I'm fine working on my own for the most part. But suggestions never hurt so thank you.

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  • I hear you. I certainly know how that process goes. You're welcome.

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