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Edited by TheMindOfAutism: 3/24/2015 10:39:02 PM
1

Destined for adventure, chapter 1

This is my first fanfiction hope you all like it constructive criticism is welcome Chapter 1 Finding light amongst the dark Ghosts are mean't to find people to wield the travellers light to aid them in fighting off the darkness they find somebody of adequate skill or raise somebody with the needed skills from the ancient dead, this ghost however was not so simple. He wanted to raise the saviour of humanity and be by there side as they defeated the darkness! He scoured the land for this champion of light for what seemed like an eternity. He had crossed many worthy dead, great warriors and generals of a time long since past, yet none where the "champion" he sought! Over another hill he rose and went to search through the wreckage in the field below, there were pieces of cement and rusted metal huts all over. Everything these days was a remnant of something, the cement, a highway, the rusted metal huts, cars that had almost been claimed by time completely, even the ghosts are remnants of the traveler. He started his search with the cars, some held whole family's fleeing the encroaching darkness, men, woman and children the darkness took no prisoners. The ghost started to search yet another car as he started though, he heard a odd sound like energy charging "vvvfff" he recognised the sound and took cover in the car as the beam flew towards him "tttttsssff" as the beam disintegrated what was left of his already poor cover he saw what was shooting, on the hill he had just crossed stood A fallen vandal clad in black armour. he placed his wire rifle in his two left hands and gestured with his other two to charge, behind him three dregs clad in armour of the same house charged over the hill towards the ghost. In a brief instant of self denial the ghost looked behind him hoping they were after something else, they weren't! It was only him and he needed to move. The ghost zipped through the rubble to avoid the shots and the constant dreg attempts to catch him. He came to a opening with no cover for about 10mts, he looked behind to see two of the dregs gaining on him, it was now or never he shot forward as he realised he had lost the 3rd dreg just as the thought hit him he saw the 3rd dreg jump out from the cover he was dashing towards, the dreg clasped its hands together ready to catch the speeding ghost! As horrible thoughts of what the fallen would do to him if they caught him filled the ghosts mind, he realised any alternative was preferable, with a jolt of extra force he threw himself downwards aiming to slip past the dregs legs, he hit the ground hard scraping his hull against the cement and like a shooting star shot off again for "any" conceivable hiding place. He searched frantically while the dreg he just slipped past regained its bearings, he saw a small opening in a large ruined mass of what looked like it might have been a bridge, he dashed forward toward the opening then zoomed in and the dregs hand quickly followed, he was just out of reach for the unlucky dreg. The ghost saw another opening to his left and was eager to take it he slowly followed it through while carefully avoiding the dregs frantically flailing hand. The Ghost followed the opening to a small underground pocket, he entered and saw a massive slab of concrete blocking the only obvious exit out as he turned around to look for another opining he saw the bodies of a woman and 4 children all neatly seated along the back wall together, 3 children on the woman's left and 1 on her right almost completely untouched. Ghost thought to himself (They look like they tried to escape but got trapped here,, like me??) The woman was wearing early Golden age Titan armor with the helm resting between her legs, except this armor was the kind you'd see in a museum these days and not on the battlefield, it was ancient! Her armor was brown but not from rust or age, this tomb was fairly intact it kept there bodies well preserved as they where all mummified. The ghost shook himself back to reality and scanned the woman's body to see if it was the champion he was looking for, it was not. He continued his search for a exit but was interrupted by a sudden explosion, it sent rubble inwards crushing the woman's body the child remains and pinning the ghost to the ground beneath it. the underground pocket was now more reminiscent of a small crater! The ghost struggled trying to wiggle free from the rock that was slowly crushing him all the while cursing how stupid he felt by wasting time scanning when he should have been fleeing "DAM IT!!!" As he voiced his frustration he felt the rubble getting lighter and lighter then as he was just about able to get free a hand grasped him tightly and pulled him out, it was the vandal and the dregs from before. The vandal stared intently at the ghost and spoke with words that held no meaning to him "vahik anaratall, Heswa! Heswa? The ghost tried to pry himself free but the vandal held him tighter with 3 arms instead of the 1 with his 4th arm he grabbed a arc pistol from his hip and offloaded 2 rounds into one of the dregs disregrating his head like it was never even there his breathing apparatus expelled a mass of air as the shot had torn the mask off with the dregs head. his body slumped to the ground and was silent. The ghost watched as the vandal ordered the 2 other dregs to rip his arms off "vin koomic, Heswa de li!" As they took a shock knife each to his shoulders and starting carving away at the joints to make the arms easier to pull apart, the ghost truly understood how humanity felt, how fragile a thing hope truly was. if you like this story check the links below for more, hope you enjoy it. chapter 2 The shine of hidden worth https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/110947862/0/0 chapter 3 the hunter in shining armour https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/111157877

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  • Holy wall of text. I love the concept and story, but you deffinitley need to break up that huge paragraph. Every 4-5 sentences or so, start a new paragraph. When you have a character think to himself, [i]italicize[/i] it. That will help set it apart and make it clear as to the dialogue being a thought, instead of actually saying it aloud. A lot of spelling errors and wrong tenses, just something to clean up. I didn't check out chapter 2 yet, but I'm going to. It's certainly interesting and I look forward to more! Keep it up!

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