Americans love the mall. That's where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time. Shopping and Eating. Millions of semi-conscious Americans, day-after-day shuffling through the malls... Shopping and Eating, especially Eating. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow-death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried, butter-dipped in pork fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. Americans will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoon's assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them! Especially if you were to dip them in butter and put a little salsa on them! This country is big-time pig time. Forget the Star-Spangled Banner. You know what the national anthem of this country outta be? The Oscar-Meyer Commercial Jingle! And while we're at it, change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Cause everything in this country is king size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the -blam!-ing people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat mother-blam!-ers walking around? Big fat mother--blam!-ers! Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and big fat -blam!-ing asses. Next time you're in the vicinity of one of these creatures, stand there for a minute and observe. And if you stand there for a minute you'll begin to wonder, "How does this woman take a shit?" How does she shit? And more frightening still, how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? Standing right next to her, of course, with a plateful of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless -blam!-ing husband, Joe Six-pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle, this guy hasn't seen his dick since the Nixon Administration. And if you stand there and you watch the two of them as they're stuffing their faces, you begin to wonder, "Do these people -blam!-?" Is this man actually capable of -blam!-ing this woman? It doesn't seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they're in that Cirque Du Soleil or something. I'm telling you the people in this country -- everyone is at least 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime -- God help us -- in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver us from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Everyone of them has two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family's wearing t-shirts, and everyone of them has got the same t-shirt...."I'm with stupid." Apparently in this country the Stupids are an extended family. And everyone in the family has got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they have to carry their stupid shit strapped to their back is because their hands have to remain free at all times to hold food. Hands free to get that food up to the mouth where they can shovel it in along with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. Another reason for the backpack is these people are gonna buy even more stupid shit. They don't have enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale and they gotta buy more. Then they're going to have to go out to the parking lot and stuff this stuff in their big, fat, ugly oversized SUV that's got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for more stupid shit. And lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly mother-blam!-ers to get them home. Stopping on the way of course, for jelly rolls and fried dough. These people are efficient professional compulsive consumers. They practice at their art. It's their civic duty, consumption. It's the new national pastime. -blam!- baseball. It's consumption. The only true lasting American value that's left...buying things. Buying things, people spending money they don't have on things they don't need. Money they don't have on things they don't need. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that costs $12.50 that they didn't really like when they got it home anyway. Not too bright folks. Not too -blam!-ing bright.