Bet you thought you'd never see me again.
Any advice, future self?
Edit: [spoiler]Ahh I leave for a few days and I'm swamped with past mes! This is pretty great.[/spoiler]
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Don't masturbate. One day, you'll masturbate, get it everywhere, and clean it up. In the morning, you'll wake up and run to the bathroom, only to find that semen comes out instead of urine. In conclusion, don't masturbate.