[quote]I WAS SITTING ON TOP OF A[b] CRASHED SPACESHIP[/b] ON[b] VENUS[/b], EATING A[b] POWERFUL SANDWICH[/b] WHILE BEING [b]HARASSED [/b]BY A[b] F***ING HOLOGRAM OF PAUL MCCARTNEY[/b] WHEN[b] SUDDENLY I WAS CAUGHT IN A GIANT FIREFIGHT[/b] BETWEEN[b] FALLEN AND VEX[/b]. AS THE[b] BATTLE RAGED[/b] AROUND ME[b], I SHOUTED[/b]: "Paul! PAUL MCCARTNEY![b] PAUL I'M HIT...STOP SINGING AND HELP ME![/b] PAAAAUL![b] MY GUN IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU[/b]... kick it...[b] KICK IT OVER TO ME[/b].... PAUL [b]YOU JACKASS[/b] THROW ME MY RIFLE! I'm losing... shit... I'm losing a lot of goddamn blood..[b].PAUL THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE[/b]... can't find... can't find my f***ing [i]sandwich[/i]... PAUL[b]! THROW ME MY HOAGIE![/b] MCCARTNEY YOU [i][b]FU---[/b][/i]" BEFORE A[b] MINOTAUR CANNON TOOK ME OUT[/b]. [b]THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED[/b]... IF I ONLY HAD A[b] CRAZY BURST-FIRE AUTO SHOTGUN[/b] POWERED BY[b] ALIEN TECHNOLOGY I BARELY UNDERSTAND[/b]! [b]AND NOW I F***ING HAVE ONE! [/b] [b]LORD OF[i] WOOOOOOLLLVESSSS![/i][/b] YOU GET THIS WEAPON FROM [b]A WEIRD ALIEN WITH BIONIC MEATBEATERS[/b] WHO TALKS LIKE A[b] SEX OFFENDER[/b], AFTER[b] KILLING A LOT OF PEOPLE[/b] HE DOESN'T LIKE. Y[b]OU'RE GOING TO DO THIS SHIT ANYWAY[/b] SO THIS [b]EXOTIC DEATHMACHINE[/b] IS JUST A [b][i]BONUS![/i] [/b] [b]THIS GUN IS F***ING POWERFUL![/b] MORE POWERFUL THAN THE TIME I [b]ATE A BRICK OF COCAINE[/b] AND [b]GOT RABIES[/b] FROM [b]TRYING TO MATE[/b] WITH [b]LOCAL BADGER[/b] AND GOT MYSELF BANNED FROM WENDY'S AFTER COMMITTING [b]TWENTY-SEVEN COUNTS OF FELONY ASSAULT[/b] AND ONE COUNT OF[b] BURGER SODOMY[/b]. YOU WILL FEEL LIKE UNBRIDLED, RAW SEXUAL DEATH WITH THIS SHOTGUN IN YOUR HANDS! THIS WEAPON IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A[b] PULSE RIFLE[/b] MATES WITH A[b] SHOTGUN[/b] IN THE MIDDLE OF A[b] RITUALISTIC DEATH-CULT ORGY! [/b] THE [b]RANGE[/b] IS[b] MISLEADING[/b]! THE STAT BAR IS[b] SHORTER[/b] THAN MOST OF[b] YOUR DICKS[/b], BUT THE WEAPON ITSELF HAS[b] LONG REACH AND TIGHT PELLET-SPREAD[/b], LETTING YOU[b] F*** SHIT UP[/b] FROM A[b] LUXURIOUS DISTANCE. BUILT-IN[u] SHOTPACKAG[/u]E AND [u]RANGEFINDER[/u]![i] YESSSS![/i][/b] [b]YOU WILL HAVE AMMO. [/b]SO MUCH[b] F***ING AMMO[/b]. YOU WILL HAVE SO MUCH AMMO THAT[b] THE FBI WILL NOTICE AND SEND AGENTS TO YOUR HOUSE[/b] AND YOU'LL BE LIKE[b] "F*** YOU, [i]TEXAAAAAASSS[/i]!" [/b]AND THEY WILL[b] BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE WITH A TEAR-GAS GRENADE[/b] SOMEHOW AND[b] KILL ALL OF YOUR FOLLOWERS[/b] BY ACCIDENT[b]. THERE WILL BE BLOOD, FIRE AND TEARS. [/b]JUST LIKE WHEN[b] MY WIFE DIVORCED ME![/b] [b]THIS WEAPON IS A FALLEN FLAK SHOTGUN ON METHAMPHETAMINES.[/b] IT HAS THE[b] HOUSE OF DEVILS[/b] SIGIL CARVED INTO IT, WHICH MEANS [b]IT IS POWERED BY A SATAN[/b] AND[b] CONSTANTLY SPEWS FIRE FROM THE END OF IT[/b]! YOU COULD USE THIS FIRE TO[b] KILL A BUNCH OF SHIT[/b], AND THEN[b] LIGHT YOUR CIGAR[/b] WITH THE END OF THIS GUN AND SAY: "It looks like they've[b] Fallen[/b]... [i]and they can't get up[/i] (puts on sunglasses)..." OR SOMETHING ELSE CLEVER... BUT THERE ARE[b] NO CIGARS[/b] IN THIS GAME SO YOU WILL JUST[b] BURN THE F***ING SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF[/b] AND [b]RUIN YOUR BEARD[/b] IF YOU TRY THAT. [b]I AM ASSUMING YOU HAVE A BEARD IF YOU ARE WIELDING THIS WEAPON.[/b] LADIES, IF YOU[b] DO NOT[/b] HAVE A BEARD, [b]ONE WILL BE ISSUED TO YOU UPON COMPLETION OF ELDER CYPHER BOUNTY. [/b] [b]PLEASE WEAR IT AT ALL TIMES WHILE OPERATING LORD OF WOOOLLLVES![/b] [b]IF YOU ENCOUNTER LORD OF WOLVES IN THE CRUCIBLE IN AN EXTREME CLOSE-QUARTERS MAP:[/b] YOU [b]WILL NOT BE SAVED[/b] BY[b] THE HOLY GHOST[/b]. YOU[b] WILL NOT BE SAVED[/b] BY THE[b] GOD PLUTONIUM[/b]. IN FACT, [b]YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED.[/b] [b]ONE BURST[/b] WILL DROP A GUARDIAN. [b]TWO BURSTS[/b] WILL KILL A GUARDIAN AND CAUSE HIS FIRSTBORN TO DIE. [b]THREE BURSTS[/b] AND YOU'RE [b]JUST SHOWING OFF[/b] THAT YOU HAVE THIS [b]MAJESTIC SEXBEAST OF A WEAPON[/b], OR HAVE F*CKAWFUL AIM! [b]BURN EVERYTHING. BURN IT ALLLL. [/b] [b]LORD OF [i]WWOOOOOOLLLVES![/i][/b] Edit: [b]HERE IS THAT GODDAMN HOLOGRAM OF PAUL MCCARTNEY https://youtu.be/163_C5UVU-I [/b][/quote]