Just how stupid are these Cabal? Actually, it isn’t so clear. Unlike other enemies they don’t seem to like being shot. The Cabal’s problem is taking them seriously. How did these shell-less, bipedal, morbidly obese, roid raging turtles get to be a mighty empire exactly? Is this a joke? They waddle around with as much agility as landlocked hippos in shackles. How is that threatening? If anything I find them kind of cute in a demented sort of way. How did their fat hands actually engage in tool making? The Fallen, by contrast, I understand on this point, I’m pretty sure those extra arms make catching the stray cats the Fallen eat easier. They have an obvious advantage over even humans if their brains could just manage all four hands… Where was I? Oh yes, the Cabal. From the TV commercial it looks like they have evolved to have no lips. As far as I can tell that means they have zero verbal dexterity which means they probably spend 80% of their conversations trying to figure what the hell the other one is saying. Crazy Dave (Plants vs. Zombies) is likely more coherent. This definitely explains their coordination in battle. Their formations are more like cows going into the slaughterhouse than a precise phalanx. They do have shields though, that’s smart. Until it encourages us to spam them with grenades tossed over and under their shields. Then those very shields are a convenient way to protect us from shrapnel. Thanks, roid turtles! So long idiots! At least they were trying not to die. Still, I can’t let them off the hook so quickly. Let’s talk about the credibility of a trans-galactic empire whose soldiers need an orbital booster to bridge that last 20 feet to you on perfectly level ground because their fat waddling asses can't walk there without entering acute myocardial infarction. Seriously, these are the soldiers and they have some major health issues. Their leaders should be negotiating for inhome medical assistance from Visiting Angels not invading. Lord only knows what the desk workers look like. I actually start to feel bad sometimes killing them by the dozens. Especially when their incredible levels of hypertension cause their heads to erupt like old faithful after a well placed head shot. You have to wonder what kind of personal issues these guys must have to produce that much stress. I shouldn’t psychoanalyse too much but it just doesn’t seem like they take fighting very seriously when you can see the space donut crumbs or birthday cake all over their chest as they march into battle. I mean really, how much more screwed up can your priorities be as a conquering army? You eat and party AFTER you win not on the trip over. At some point they must have been fit because clearly they brought those convertible (like a car convertible) tanks with them and there ain’t no way in hell a legionnaire is going to be cruising in one of those bad boys. For that matter why would anyone build mechanized armor with a folding hardtop?! The battle markings on these should say “Life’s a Beach”. Where are these lazy bastards getting this advanced technology? Given what I’ve seen I’m pretty certain they didn’t work for it. These guys blow up planets?! Oh, hell no, Dinklebot! I’m just not buying that. The only thing those roid turtles blow up is the toilet after their 26th helping of soylent green. Who came up with that bit of info? That has to be an urban myth. There is no way any of these guys took a break from eating to learn enough real science to destroy a planet. While I’m on the subject having to blowing up a planet or moon because it is in your way, well let's be honest, that is probably [i]the[/i] most obvious indication you are overweight. At the point you cannot see your own genitals you should already be on the treadmill at least 30 minutes three times a week, don’t wait until planetary bodies get in your way. I read somewhere they might be running from "something". Famine maybe? Aside from a mirror and intergalactic Jenny Craig I can’t imagine what that “something” could be. Wait a minute "running"? Let's pump the brakes on that one. How about "aggressively waddling"? Next time you board one of their ships or go digging around in their bunkers look for the following: be the first Guardian to walk into these places and you’ll see black liquid splattered all over the floor. What the hell? Are the Cabal so lazy and unhygienic they just shit right in their own hallways?! Just right in the middle of the floor?! What if someone slips and falls in that? Where are the standards? How can you build a galactic empire without the good sense not to shit on the floor in a high traffic area and just leave it? Really? Put some cones down or sprinkle cat litter on it or something. The one point about them I do like is they brought the Geth with them ( I mean psions). What the Geth see in these intergalactic, post diabetic, roid turtles I have no idea but I’m still glad to have them in the game. If I were the Geth I would have bailed on the Mass Effect franchise too after that 3rd game. [b]Note[/b]: if you like this be sure to check out my write ups on the Fallen and Vex. It's all titled "just how stupid are the [name here] Nah, -[b]blam[/b]!- it just click below. [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72863545/0/0]Just how stupid are the Vex?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72378627/0/0]Just how stupid are the Fallen?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/74054287/0/0]Just how stupid are the Vanguard?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/74602574/0/0]Just how stupid are the Hive?[/url] [b]Final note:[/b] Ok, people have been asking me for an audio version of this. I'm going to propose this instead. Anyone who reads this and really likes it pay me back by recording yourself or someone else reading the whole thing or a part of it. Post your link in this thread so we can all appreciate your work. [b]Hear the official audio version of [i]Just How Stupid are the Fallen?[/i] here http://www.halcyoncollective.com/audio/Just-How-Stupid-are-the-Fallen.aiff [/b] [b]TSCIGAR[/b] provided this amazing [url=https://www.evernote.com/shard/s263/sh/6621c114-7e0f-43a6-9a21-e8bcf068e16c/6ce3299adeed8b27896dfff938fb69cdt]audio interpretation [/url] of the Vex essay as an AMR in Evernote. [b]crapshot120[/b] was nice enough to do two readings for us the [url=http://youtu.be/SuW6IXd6NRs]Cabal[/url] and the [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2nXgFNEzeU&feature=youtu.be]Vanguard[/url]