Maybe my hatred doesn't surface as strong as yours, but i know what you are saying. That's the dark force trying to consume you, but you are better than that guardian. I use music in 2 different ways; classical music helps me relax when i'm already in rage mode (chopin, bach, beethoven, etc.). On the other hand, when i feel the need to let out my rage because i can't stand it anymore, i listen to hard drum and bass. Drum and bass is such a rage-filled music, that i feel that the music really understands me, and it's expressing what i'm feeling, that way the music does the rage stuff for me, and i don't go into rage mode. Hope this helps a little bit, and hope your mother lives healthy for the next 200 years. Good luck and Godspeed guardian