Every day at we get asked all sorts of questions about Science, and how our A.S.S.H.A.T (Anti Spin Super Hyper Advanced Translator) works. But in a twist of events so shocking that it would make M. Night Shyamalan blush, I actually have a question about Science for you the viewer. “What is often a byproduct of Science, but one of the most difficult things for Scientists to obtain?” ….Give up? It’s money! Yes fresh crisp funding in the form of stacks, and stacks, of beautiful new dollar bills. One of the best ways to obtain new sources of “Funding” is to secure a partnership with some of World’s largest corporations. So we at Startec labs would like to proudly announce our entry into the world of Aviation, with our new partnership with Americas leading Aviation Corporation SKYNET! Wait what’s that?...Skynet isn’t a aviation company?...They’re WHAT!!!...*gahh* Why didn’t someone mention this at the last board meeting? Err sorry Folks I guess we actually haven’t entered the exciting bold world of Aviation…And “All hail our new Robotic Masters”. Well at least there’s this week’s translation. ========================================================================================== [quote]This week at Bungie we set a date. Destiny Update 2.2.0 will deploy on April 12th, 2016.[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]*Cue Space 2001 theme music* Oh oh, we have to put a stop the mass exodus to “the Division” before it’s too late. [quote]“From here onward, we’ll refer to it as the “April Update.” As promised, it will have something for every type of Guardian.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Unless you are one of those “Guardians” too cheap to have bought TTK. [quote]“Here are some of the highlights to look forward to:”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Or ”not to” when you realize all your old stuff is now space trash once again, and that we’ve raised the cap level to make 320 sound like a joke. [b]*Highlights have been fast translated*[/b] [b] New PVE Challenges:[/b] Like your favorite Sparrow racing tracks in reverse. [b]New and Updated Gear:[/b] We’ve repainted your orange gun blue and nerfed all the guns you used to depend on...Are you excited yet? [b]New Quest featuring the Blighted Chalice Strike: [/b]Wait a sec this isn’t one of the “new PVE challenges?” either this is the only new content, or DeeJ needed filler for his article. I [b]ncreased Max Light and Rewards:[/b] Duh this is Destiny…The grind is REAL noobs! [b] Sandbox and Crucible Updates: [/b]Wait isn’t the whole game the Sandbox, and Crucible is a part of the game? Ha no, because in reality the Crucible is the only part of the game we actually care about suckers!. [b] And more: [/b] *Error vague filler detected* [quote]“If you have Destiny: The Taken King, the April Update is included with your purchase. When the time comes, download the update and you’ll be good to go.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*: [/b] No TTK? NO SOUP FOR YOU!...But I guess you lousy TTK hold outs were already so good to go that most of you left back in September. [quote]“For the next three Wednesdays, we’ll be providing more details on Twitch. Join us as we introduce you to some of the designers and artists to chat with them about what they’ve packed into the update. If you want to be part of the live conversation, bookmark our channel, and mark your calendar for these streams:”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]: And like always those of you who only join to yell profanity’s about the “Dames Of Destiny” will receive the mighty Ban Hammer. [quote] “If you’ve already been tuning into our streams, you know that we recently began welcoming subscribers (or “Vanguards” as we chose to nickname them) into the fold. The money we receive from our generous community benefits the Bungie Foundation, enabling us to support many wonderful and uplifting charitable organizations.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Some charities give you a stuffed animal or your name on a brick to offset that awful feeling of guilt they put you through, but here at Bungie we give you a emote that took less than 10 mins to photoshop, and is only usable a couple times in the next three weeks….But remember it’s all for the children…And the potential of sounding like jerk in front of a live studio audience. [quote] “Disclaimer: These are not to be confused with Destiny emotes. They do not work in-game. You cannot acquire them from Tess. The only path to this form of glory is to subscribe on Twitch.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] Disclaimer: These are useless after April the 6th, and non refundable. [quote] “The chat window on our channel is always…lively. This should make things even more interesting.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Act your age and not your shoe size and you won’t get the Ban Hammer right before 2.2.0 drops..M’kay. [quote]“We won some matches. We lost some matches. In orbit, the fun-loving conversation was all about the tactical alliances that walk and talk more like families over time. We also served up a preview of a new way for you to emerge as a leader of your Clan.[/quote]” [b] *Translation*:[/b] If you just joined a Clan, and feel that your MLG skills are way better then the guy who…Founded, named, and taken the time to run, maintain, and extinguish all the fires over the past few years. Obviously you should be the Boss right? Well now here’s your chance because its survival of the fittest you RUBES! And if you couldn’t pick a admin before without upsetting some of your closest friends, well now you have no choice but our choice! [quote]“With more gear to earn in your near future, you’ll need better tools to manage your wealth. Destiny Player Support has some helpful hints that extend beyond the game. This is their report.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] No new vault space…(insert last gen system blame here) but how’s our shiny new app? Better then the division right? ====================================================================================== Well unfortunately we had to give back all our precious funding to Skynet, as we broke up our partnership to save the human race and what not. But luckily for us, robots only have laser guns and not yet developed the most evil weapon in human history…The Corporate Lawyer! HA, right?