Just how stupid are the Vanguard? I have a few thoughts on that. Sometimes playing this game I just want to switch sides. It’s everything with these assholes from the Speaker who openly refuses to tell me the plot of the game to how they “dealt” with the Hive on the moon, to the fact that in man’s final stand on earth, with one city left I still have to buy weapons. Hey guys, things are pretty desperate at this point, humans are an endangered species, can't you just set me up with an exotic loaner while I save your retarded asses! The only reason humanity is still around is simply the Vanguard are insanely lucky. There is zero skill or intelligence involved here. These guys couldn’t sell sanitation wipes to Hypochondriacs. Yes, they would screw even that up. Am I the only one who thinks the Speaker is kind of a jerk? I kill an Archon for this idiot, which apparently is a big deal, and all I get from him is “I could tell you…” (then he doesn’t) and “but the children are already afraid”. Man, -[b]blam[/b]!- the children! What did you just drag me into?! Hey, [i]You[/i] brought [i]me[/i] back from the dead Mister. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t have to go on a quest of self discovery. I can wait right here till you tell me just what the hell is going...oh crap! The cut scene ended. ………………Why can't I punch this man? I’m not sure I fully understand the idea behind patrol. If the Vanguard wanted me to run errands for them why not text me a list or put a note on the fridge, ‘cause that’s what my wife does and it seems like a fairly effective approach. How about asking me in person when I’m buying that wildly expensive gear off of them. The markup on that crap is insane considering I only wear it for two levels or so. This gear by the way, I’m pretty sure they strip it from the dead. Anyway...what the hell was I even talking about? Oh right! Who was the idiot that decided they should hide little audio todo lists in enemy occupied territory? Personally, my money is on the Speaker. If these “jobs” are so important why hide them? Who is crazy enough to go out and hide these things in the wilderness? Is this a volunteer thing? If we are taking volunteers I nominate UPS. That way we’d have UPS tracking data on these things. I could just go to the website and see a delivery message like “left on ground near corpse of last delivery guy. Screw this, I quit.”. Whoever it is making these deliveries they are obviously unhappy about it because these beacons are in the weirdest most random places, frequently right in the line of fire too. The Vanguard are just lucky the Fallen are so stupid they don’t notice the blindingly bright, strobing stake in the ground that is louding beeping two feet away. Yeah, I get these things are encrypted, but the Fallen don’t need to read the messages. Just pulling the stake out of the ground and keeping it would ruin my day. You might not find it for weeks and by then some douche bag dreg could have broken the beacon using it as a spit to make rotisserie cat for lunch. What the hell happened to telephones? The stranger has one and even called me with it. How stupid are these Vanguard fools? And let’s get to that Hive infestation that nobody at the tower seems too concerned about. Everyone acts like they have no idea anything bad is happening on the moon yet there is a gigantic, really gigantic, glowing green chasm right on the surface. Umm, should be pretty clear it's the Hive. The Vanguard are the fools that left them there. I don’t care what the Speaker may or not say about this the moon didn’t used to look like that. How can a massive tear in the moon's surface be considered innocuous and, more importantly how does this cosmic sized, existential warning sign seem to escape the Vanguard's notice? Even DinkleBot knows the Hive are on the moon and let’s face it if the hive are in the galaxy that is bad! Why does the Vanguard only seem slightly curious when there are so many of these freaks on the moon it can be seen glowing from orbit? It is disheartening if you think about it too much. I blame the Speaker. The Hive are a burrowing species of undead that thrive underground and to seal them away forever we put a lock on the front door of their cave. Really?! They dug that cave! It's not like the hive can't dig a side door. See, these are the kinds tactics landlords use to keep unwanted squatters out of recently vacated properties. It shouldn't be the go to strategy for stopping the swarm of the apocalypse. What is plan B? A restraining order? Dumping hot water on them? That works on vicious dogs and hookers...sometimes. I’m sure if I asked the Speaker about it I’d get something like this, "The hive are sealed underground we're fine they're totally gone." "Really?! They are the cosmic undead! Your best plan was to shovel some dirt on their home and pad lock the front door? Why don't we try drowning fish in well oxygenated water next?! Who left you in charge again and why can I still not punch you?" Shouldn’t this whole strategy have been questioned when the Hive show up on Earth? Seems like after we kill the first Wizard DinkleBot takes the attitude “Nah, screw it, let the Fallen deal with them.” Am I alone in noticing this? [b]Note[/b]: I'll add links to the other pieces tonight and again this is satire so no nerd raging. I am just going to laugh at you. [b]Final note: Ok, people have been asking me for an audio version of this. I'm going to propose this instead. Anyone who reads this and really likes it pay me back by recording yourself or someone else reading the whole thing or a part of it. Post your link in this thread so we can all appreciate your work.[/b] [b]Hear the official audio version of [i]Just How Stupid are the Fallen?[/i] here http://www.halcyoncollective.com/audio/Just-How-Stupid-are-the-Fallen.aiff [/b] [b]TSCIGAR[/b] provided this amazing [url=https://www.evernote.com/shard/s263/sh/6621c114-7e0f-43a6-9a21-e8bcf068e16c/6ce3299adeed8b27896dfff938fb69cdt]audio interpretation [/url] of the Vex essay as an AMR in Evernote. [b]crapshot120[/b] was nice enough to do two readings for us the [url=http://youtu.be/SuW6IXd6NRs]Cabal[/url] and the [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2nXgFNEzeU&feature=youtu.be]Vanguard[/url] Here are the links to my other posts in this series celebrating Destiny: [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/73500195/0/0]Just how stupid are the Cabal?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72863545/0/0]Just how stupid are the Vex?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72378627/0/0]Just how stupid are the Fallen?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/74602574/0/0]Just how stupid are the Hive?[/url]