So you create one little Zombie outbreak and suddenly you’re the “bad guy”… It all started 10 months ago, when we were excavating the tomb of General Wu Shu, of the Han dynasty, and we made a marvelous discovery! Despite dying 2000 years ago the General looked as if he had only died a couple of hours earlier, there were almost no signs of decay. What was the secret to such marvelous preservation? We could barely contain ourselves as we got to work analyzing the many herbs, and spices found in the coffin. After months of research we finally decoded the 2000 year old secret…So simple yet so elegant! We decided that if this substance works this good on dead people, just how much better it could be for the living! Illusions of grandeur entered our minds of Startec being the next L’Oreal. But there was a problem, the original recipe called for mercury, a lot of mercury. In ancient Chinese times it was considered the secret to immortality, where as now we realize mercury is a pretty good way to shorten one’s lifespan exponentially. So we simply substituted it for another substance…Which turned out to be a mistake a very, very, bad mistake. Bypassing the FDA, by labeling our product as a natural “herbal” remedy we sent it out to a trail market in Central China. And well…Err, people started eating each other. But one good thing China has besides too many people, it’s too many tanks! You never see tanks in Zombie movies because they are the best way to kill zombies. You simply sit inside drinking a latte, as you drive forward and then back over them with 50 tons of science and innovation. After you hose the tracks off with a garden hose and call it a day. As you can imagine the Chinese government were not all too pleased about running over its former citizens with their tanks. So we had to hand over the formula, with a promise not to make it ever again. And it might be a long time before we’re allowed to do any further excavations. I guess we’ll just have to stick to our world famous “A.S.S.H.A.T” for now. ============================================================================== [quote][i]“This week at Bungie we launched Rise of Iron.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]But only on new gen suckers! [quote][i]“The first couple of hours saw some turbulence. Our Launch Team burned the midnight oil to work the problem. With ice in their veins, they evicted hostile technology from our database. Then, the game was afoot!”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Don’t worry those glitches might have cost us money so we fixed them ASAP! [quote][i]“Millions of Guardians descended from orbit to confront their own demons. They charged up the face of Felwinter Peak to take their rightful place next to Lord Saladin.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] We under estimated how many “Millions” of you are still on last gen! If our company was on the stock market, you would see the arrow taking a big dive right about now. [quote][i] “Ever since, we’ve seen a ton of mountaintop selfies. With wolves. We told you not to pet those wolves!”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Yet ironically there isn’t any “lone wolfs”, as we made sure this time you won’t be able to glitch your way through the new raid all alone. .. But really what’s with our obsession with Wolves? We kinda like them maybe too much. Maybe it’s because DeeJ likes to pretend his spirit animal is a Wolf instead of a rabies infested rat. Who knows? It’s a spooky space mystery! [quote][i]“This new adventure has begun. For many, the campaign is finished.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] And it’s finished after only 2-3 hours…That’s like only $10 dollars an hour, what a deal! It’s like going back in time to 1996 when games only lasted 3-4 hours! So don’t get too edgy when we stretch the last 3 hours into 6 months by nerfing everything you ever loved. [quote][i]“There are now far more than one sole surviving Iron Lord. The conclusion of their story is the beginning of your story. This is when we get to stop describing that experience and start listening to your tales of honor and bravery.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: **SPOILER ALERT**[/b] We just summed up the entire story and experience in one sentence…Opps! [quote][i] “There are more episodes in store for you to experience.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] Don’t worry in 6 months we’ll release another small slice of Destiny 2 for you to enjoy. [quote] [i]“The Wrath of the Machine Raid goes live at 10AM Pacific Time. This is more than the most elaborate challenge that any Guardian faces in Destiny. This is a race.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] A new raid, and who ever beats it first becomes Destiny famous for 5 mins. I swear you all forget faster than ADHD patient with amnesia. [quote][i] “It takes a lot of art to create a world worthy of heroes – not the mention the heroes themselves. Previously, we’ve used a reveal as the moment when we welcomed our artists to share their creations in their portfolios. Today, it’s a launch. Check out the online galleries of just a few of the artists that helped us to imagine the persons, places, and things in Rise of Iron and bring them to life.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Speaking of ADHD, here’s some Art of things that could have been to distract you from pondering why you prepaid for the Gally. Enjoy!