From the forge rises a form of death and destruction so beautiful that grown men scream and cry at the mere sight of it appearing on their screen after defeating a raid boss. From the fires rises Gjallarhorn. Welcome to my second Equipment Humor post (someone plz help me think of a better name). Last time we focused on the PEREGRINE GREAVES (https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/220868188/0/0), which was a much bigger success than anticipated, and today it's time to turn things over to the rocket launcher we all know and love. This post will be just as senseless as the last, but because there is an actual story to Gjallarhorn I will embed actual information into this one. You have been warned. Enjoy! One of the most sought after weapons in Destiny, this weapon was FORGED FROM THE ARMOR OF COUNTLESS GUARDIANS KILLED IN THE BATTLE OF TWILIGHT GAP! Crafted by the most skilled of gunsmiths, this gun is made to LOOK ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS WHILE DEALING OVERWHELMING DEATH TO THOSE WHO DARE ENTER ITS SIGHTS! A Gjallarhorn was given to each of the survivors of Twilight Gap so that they may always carry with them the memory of their defeated brothers and sisters who WENT DOWN LIKE BOSSES TAKING DOWN THOUSANDS OF FALLEN WITH THEM! THIS WEAPON DEALS OUT PURE EXPLOSIVE DESTRUCTION FROM ITS MASSIVE BARREL, SPEWING OUT FLAMES HUNGERING FOR FLESH AND METAL HUNGERING FOR SOME ARMOR SHREDDING! WITHIN THIS BEAST'S METAL CASING ARE THE SPIRITS OF HUNDREDS OF GUARDIANS EGGING YOU ON TO KILL AS MANY ENEMIES AS THEY DID! EACH SHOT YOU FIRE IS THE EQUIVALENT OF A THOUSAND ANGRY, ROCKET-PROPELLED, ARMED-TO-THE-TEETH GUARDIANS FLYING AT YOU! EXCEPT WITH MORE EXPLOSIONS! THESE ROUNDS ARE SO FUELED BY THE VENGEANCE OF THE DEAD GUARDIANS THAT THE ROCKETS WILL TRACK YOU ANYWHERE TO HIT YOU! THEY WILL FOLLOW YOU AS YOU SPRINT IN CIRCLES IN PANIC, THEY WILL CURVE OVER AND AROUND WALLS AND BUILDINGS, THEY WILL GO THROUGH DOORS AND KITCHENS TO GET TO YOU (not even stopping to see what's cooking!), AND THEY WILL EVEN TAKE YOU OUT IN THE BATHROOM! That's right! THESE ROCKETS WON'T EVEN WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH UP IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU BOTH CRAPPED AND WET YOUR PANTS AS SOON AS YOU SAW THEM ANYWAY! THESE AGGRESSIVELY TRACKING MISSILES WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH AND ALL THE OTHER PLANETS YOU COULD HOPE TO ESCAPE TO IN YOUR JUMP SHIP! THERE'S NO ESCAPE! AND ONCE THE ROCKET HAS CAUGHT YOU AND EXPLODED YOUR GUTS ALL OVER THE WALLS AND FLOORS, THE ROCKET WILL BREAK INTO CLUSTERS THAT CHASE DOWN YOUR FRIENDS EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVELY THAN THE ROCKET CHASED YOU! NO ONE IS SAFE! THIS ROCKET LAUNCHER IS SO SEXY AND ORNATE THAT SOME PEOPLE WILL DIE FROM SHEER EXPOSURE BEFORE YOU EVEN PULL THE TRIGGER! Hopeless farmers will go through Raids over and over and over again to get their hands on this beautiful weapon! And when they finally find it, videos are made of their screaming and crying fits for the amusement of others, BECAUSE THE GJALLY LIKES A GOOD LAUGH WHILE IT'S DRINKING ITS CUP OF DEATH IN THE MORNING! Saladin got some pet wolves for the Iron Lords back when they first formed because he knew that in the future, after all the other Iron Lords had died, only he would be left to enjoy the wolf decorations on the GJALLARHORN, so he wanted the other Iron Lords to enjoy any kind of wolves that he could find to make up for it! REAL WOLVES DO NOT MATCH THE FABULOUSNESS OF GJALLY'S WOLF DECORATIONS! Oryx will try using his Dreadnaught's weapon on you as you approach, but you will fire GJALLARHORN and knock that pulse right back at him! (the Dreadnaught weapon works by pushing Oryx realm outwards into the material world, the force of his pocket dimension's boundary expanding outwards is able to instantly destroy anything it passes. So you just hit that wave of force with a GJALLY rocket that was strong enough to push Oryx's realm back into the Dreadnaught. I'm a nerd!) Raid teams will not let you join them without the GJALLARHORN because they're all scrubs and suck at the raids, so they think that you're only able to defeat any of the raid bosses if you have a weapon as OP as GJALLARHORN! BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BEAT RAIDS WITHOUT GJALLY OR BLACK SPINDLE AND THEY CAN'T BE GOOD IN CRUCIBLE WITHOUT META WEAPONS (Matador sucks! Clever Dragon sucks! Grasp of Malok sucks! The Last Word is great!)!!!!!!! But no matter what I just said about exclusive raid scrubs, TAKE GJALLARHORN INTO THE RAIDS ANYWAY! IF YOU DON'T HAVE GJALLARHORN YOU HAVEN'T SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LEGEND! YOU WILL DESTROY ATHEON BECAUSE NO MATTER WHERE/WHEN HE HIDES, THE GJALLY WILL FIND HIM! CROTA WILL KNEEL BEFORE THE MAJESTY OF THE MIGHTY GJALLY AND KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE ALL OF THE LIVES STORED IN HIS OVERSOUL WIPED OUT AT ONCE! SKOLAS WILL SPEAK OF THE GJALLY-LAUNCHER INSTEAD OF THE LIGHT-SNUFFER WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH WITH HIM! (If he even has a mouth to speak with when you're through with him!) ORYX WILL WISH HE HADN'T COME TO AVENGE HIS SON AS HE WATCHES YOU BLOW MASSIVE HOLES INTO HIS DREADNAUGHT'S HULL, AND HE WILL KNOW THAT THE TRUE FINAL SHAPE IS NOT A CLEANSED UNIVERSE, IT IS THE GJALLARHORN! AKSIS AND ALL OF SIVA WILL TRY TO SELF-DESTRUCT TO AVOID SUFFERING THE UNENDING RAGE OF GJALLY, BUT GJALLY WILL NOT LET THEM ESCAPE SO EASILY AND WILL BLOW STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT ARMORED SPIDER BODY AKSIS HAS BEFORE TAKING OUT THE REPLICATION CHAMBER! EACH EXPLOSION FROM THE GJALLARHORN IS STRONG ENOUGH TO ANNIHILATE WORLDS AND SHATTER REALITY ITSELF! EACH TRAIL OF SMOKE IS ENOUGH TO SUFFOCATE AN ENTIRE ENEMY SPECIES! EACH RAGING FIRE THAT PROPELS ANOTHER ROCKET BURNS BRIGHT ENOUGH TO OUTSHINE EVERY STAR AND HOT ENOUGH TO MELT ICE CREAM! EACH SOUND OF ANOTHER ROCKET FLYING OUT FROM GJALLY 'S TUBE IS ENOUGH TO CREATE SHOCKWAVES AND SHATTER THE EARDRUMS OF PEOPLE A PLANET AWAY! EACH BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED CURVE IN THE GJALLY'S DESIGN IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY OTHER PRETTY LOOKING THING JEALOUS! GJALLARHORN HAS ALL THE RAGE AND POWER OF PEREGRINE GREAVES STORED INTO EACH OF ITS ROCKETS! PERRREEEGGRRRIIINNNEE GREEEAAAAVVVEESSSSS AND GJALLARHOOOOORRRRRNNNNN! No other weapon has displayed such beauty and power at the same time. No other weapon has so fully embodied death, and if there is beauty in death, why not in its deliverance? GJALLAAAARRRRHOOOOOORRRRNNN! ___________________________________ I hope this one was as good as my last. Thank you to all who supported the Greaves post and allowed me to wake up with 117 notifications on Destiny Companion (#MasterChief). As before, please like and comment so this can reach trending. For more of my work, check out my Archive. Link to Archive: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/217384398/0/0