If you missed the last episode, you can find it [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/222215056/0/0]here[/url], or if you need to find a previous episode, you can find them all in the [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/220441594/0/0]Master Post[/url]. Please give a bump, upvote, or leave comment if you enjoy this and any other chapter! *** The sun never sets on Mercury – so why does it feel so much darker now? I huddle in the cool stone pathways next to Salas, Avi flanking around the other team. Salas’ focus is on the match, but I can’t stop mine from drifting… [i]Who built these walls? What was their name? Where did they come from? How did they get the materials here?[/i] “Djido!” Salas hisses. I look with him below, seeing a lone Guardian darting past, head low, completely oblivious to our presence above him. Salas, fingers trembling, aims and fires three quick shots from his scout rifle. The Guardian falls immediately, his Ghost hovering overhead. [i]He never even knew what hit him…[/i] I can almost feel what I’m supposed to, the thrill of achievement I can sense from Salas – but I don’t. I don’t feel anything. No joy, no remorse, no sense of victory or horror – just nothing. [i]Would it be worse to feel excited about it? What does it mean that I feel nothing?[/i] I think back over the amount of times I’ve died and killed in the past few weeks alone – I can’t even remember how many times exactly… “Djido!” Salas hisses again. [i]And the biggest question of all, the one I keep running into no matter where I go, what I think – Why? Why don’t I feel anything anymore? Why are we doing this? Why can’t I understand? Why do I keep falling into these predicaments? Why –[/i] The pulse rifle falls from my fingers again. [i]I shouldn’t have come back.[/i] “Djido?” Salas asks, concerned. The comm crackles and Avi’s snarky tone interrupts. “[i]He cracking up again?[/i]” I hear him ask Salas. “Djido?” Salas whispers again. “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I shouldn’t have come back.” Gunfire erupts over the comm, and Avi screams in frustration. “Go,” I tell Salas. “Better for you to cover him. I [i]am[/i] just dead weight.” “Me and Avi can’t go it alone!” he cries. “You can’t just bail on us, Djido!” I think about the circumstances – it would’ve been better if I’d never come back, but better late than never. I’m not a soldier, a warrior, and I don’t want to be a Guardian anymore. I don’t. I want to make my choice, not have it made for me. I don’t want to be a follower anymore, I want…. I want…. … I want to be part of something real. Something that feels like it means something. Something that’s different, and doesn’t just feel like I’m spinning my wheels, repeating the same actions over and over, killing the same people over and over, firing the same weapons over and over – “Djido!” I can hear the emotion in Salas’ voice, and I really do feel terrible. [i]I shouldn’t have come back. All this has done is turn us into monsters. All of us.[/i] Gunfire erupts over the comm, and Avi’s voice goes silent. Shaking his head, Salas stands, dropping his own weapon. [i]Trapped,[/i] I think morosely. [i]All I ever feel is trapped. Can’t escape, can’t understand, can’t choose…. Can’t choose… Can’t I?[/i] “No point in continuing, then,” he says despondently, and raises his hands as the other team rushes in. Salas and I turn to look, unarmed, and bullets perforate our bodies with relish – … “Djido?” Ghost calls me awake, a tone of concern in his voice. I open my eyes, rising with a grunt, but a heavy mass collides with me instantly, raining blows against my helmet, my armor, anywhere – “Youuselesslazylittlebitchcantbelieveyoupieceofshit!” Avi curses ceaselessly as he attacks, punching and kicking everywhere – And I don’t fight back. I deserve this. [i]I shouldn’t have come back. We’re all monsters here.[/i] Scuffles indicate Salas has joined in and is trying to pull Avi off – with a great effort, he finally manages to hoist him away – I rise to a sitting position on the ground, feeling blood leaking from my nose, seeing splatters against the inside of my faceplate – “Screw you, Djido!!” Avi screams hysterically. “I’m sick of your shit! You’re useless dead weight and a loser! I hate you!! I HATE YOU!!!” “Avi!” Salas cries, taken aback by Avi’s rage. “No, it’s him, it’s always him!!” Avi bellows. “I came to the Disciples for the same reason as you, but you spit in our face at every opportunity! You don’t carry your own and you keep making us lose! This means something to me, you asshole, and you just keep spitting on it over and over!!! I hate you, and if I ever see you again I’ll put both you and your Ghost in the ground where you belong!!” Avi huffily yanks himself from Salas and storms away, fuming. Salas gives me one last look, but I can’t meet his eyes – I keep my head bowed as I feel him watching me, finally give up, and walk away. The comm crackles to life in my helmet, but there’s only silence on the other end. I open my mouth to speak, to say goodbye, to say something so that he won’t think I did this all for nothing, that there was a time I believed, that I did join for a purpose, that in the end it’s because I’m afraid of what I’m turning into, not anything that the Disciples did – But then the line goes dead, and I never get to say anything more to Brother Vance. *** Days later, I find myself wandering the Vestian Outpost aimlessly, purposefully avoiding the part of the hangar where I know Brother Vance looks for more Disciples. Nursing a bottle a merchant sold me, I stumble around the bay without purpose, without a point… “Djido?” Ghost chirps. I ignore him again, drunkenly ruing his existence. [i]Without this little light, I never would’ve been brought back, I would’ve stayed dead in peace…. But no….I’ve gotta be brought back to life just so that I can get killed and brought back over and over….[/i] I take a giant swig, polishing off the bottle, and hurl it out of the hangar bay with all my strength – [i]No choice. Never a choice.[/i] I follow its progress with my eyes, seeing it tumble end over end to the depths of the retrofitted ketch – [i]We fight for Light, for life, but all that I know of life is pain and killing and orders…. Death was peaceful, quiet, the ultimate freedom….[/i] I step closer to the edge. “Djido?” Ghost asks again, an edge in his voice. “What are you doing?” “I’m undoing what should’ve never been done,” I tell him, swaying. “You chose wrong, Ghost.” “Djido, please!” he chimes, panicking as he understands. “Even the Traveler makes mistakes,” I say wearily. “It chose the Fallen once, after all. And what does that say about us? We’re following the exact same path, and no one….no one….” [i]No one has a choice....[/i] “Djido, please,” Ghost begs, looking from me out into the abyss beneath the Vestian Outpost. “A fitting place,” I retort, looking back one last time at the Disciples’ post, at Brother Vance – “Djido…” Ghost pleads. “Don’t bring me back,” I tell him, stepping closer to the ledge, wondering if it’s even possible to really die anymore. “Just let me go.” Ghost shivers in midair, conflicted. I wonder how many Ghosts have been asked this by their Guardians, how many Guardians walked away from the call, how many… But it doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters. I step up to the very lip of the edge and lean over, preparing – with a final sigh, I bring my foot up – “Hey jackass!” My foot halts, and I slowly turn around. Behind me, a small young woman is staring curiously, head cocked, golden eyes squinted with incredulity. “What the hell are you doing?” “I, uh….” I begin, but I don’t have an answer. All I can muster is bravado to combat my sudden feeling of shame. “Taking a walk. What do you care?” The woman looks me up and down shrewdly, eyes lingering on the old symbols of the Disciples I still wear. “You one of these zombie zealots, huh?” “Was,” I say before I can stop myself. “Didn’t even know you lot could leave,” she retorts, smirking. “You the first to grow a brain or something?” [i]Am I?[/i] “I don’t know,” I respond honestly, but she looks like she’s only half-listening, already thinking – “So what, you like a freelancer now?” “I….I guess….” The woman’s face splits into a giant grin. “Well how about that, a Guardian for hire,” she muses. “You ever think about using your skills for something useful?” “Like what?” “Like making me money,” she grins again. “And you’d get a cut, of course.” “What would I have to do?” “Just do what you do, except I’ll be chirping in your ear instead of your little puzzle cube.” I ponder the offer as Ghost shivers, agitated, almost offended. “Thank you for the offer, but this is hardly work for a Guardian – “ he begins, but I cut him off. “How much?” “Djido!” Ghost cries, but I wave him off. “Depends on how well ya do,” the woman responds. “Up to you, though. Your choice.” [i]My choice…[/i] I search her eyes for an ulterior motive. [i]What’s her cause? Where does she come from? Why is she here? How did she know just what to say?[/i] “What’s your name?” I finally settle on. “Ia Tanis,” she says proudly, sticking her chin out. “I’m Djido,” I respond, bowing my head toward her as she smirks again. “I’ll remember it if you prove useful,” she replies, turning to walk away. “Now keep up! I’m on a deadline here.” I jog after her, my suicidal ideations replaced with a realization that if I’m not a soldier, a warrior, or a Guardian, that makes me just a man. A dead man, but a man nonetheless. And if I’m just a man, then I have a choice. I can choose where I want to go, what I want to do. I can choose not to become a monster. I can choose instead of following. It may not be a cause, it may not be a directive, but it can be what what none of those can: [i]A choice.[/i]