Hello everyone, and welcome to my rendition of the famous updates that we have all come to know and love. I'm doing this out of honor for our beloved community idol 'Murdiusmaximus'. I will be doing these on Fridays, or until the majority vote tells me otherwise or until Max himself tells me to stop ruining his business, fires me and kicks me out of the building. To start things off, no update is unofficial without an interview! This week, I have taken it upon myself to strike one with everyones favorite warlock! Ikora rey! Well... to let you guys know, she was a tough one to get. Even when I told her I was on unofficial update business, she refused to be interviewed...numerous times. I did not let this stop me however me! Even with melees off the tower, a restraining order issued by the speaker, and a payoff with Xur with 10k glimmer, I was finally able to get her to sit and speak to me a bit! [b]Ikora, Once again, thanks for finally, finally, FINALLY agreeing to be interviewed for the fans![/b] Viewers! Help! I'm being held hostage! I'm being held in the lo- [b]Yeah, no no no, we're not doing that. Everyone, its alright! She is here of her own free will! I can promise that![/b] Bull s*** ven! You ripped the restraining order in half and made Xur ti- [b]I did not! Anyways... Ikora, since you're here willingly, there has been some things the community would really love to know![/b] If I don't, I'm gonna be stuck here till I cooperate aren't I? Fine. Ask away. [b]That's the spirit! First off, what exactly is it that you do in the tower everyday?[/b] Aside from not being able to walk to the nonexistent bathrooms in the tower? I collect books. The speaker issued since your return to life to collect any and all books, no matter the genre. We send out hunters to find them, we have somewhat of a decent collection... mostly dictionaries since Zavala highlights all of the lude words in them. And even cayde has made some requests. [b]Wait..then how do you..like..use the facilities...? Never mind. What kind of requests can cayde make for books? I can understand ones about gun details..?[/b] You don't wanna know. And no where close... he has me collect old world romance novels. Like...traveler forbid, the 'Twilight' books, 'Billionaire' Novels... Makes me sick reading them.. [b]I..would have never guessed...Aside from collecting love novels for cayde and feeding Zavalas inner child..What else do you do?[/b] Serve Lord Shaxx. [b]Serve? That can uh..[/b] Don't even go there. [b]Then what do you do for lord shaxx? Somehow I can't imagine its difficult considering he mostly just yells at people..[/b] That's where you're wrong Ven. Its horrible! Okay! He makes us waste vital time, experimentation resources and valuable warlocks for that ripoff of grifball he made! [b]Whoa whoa, its rift okay? Lets avoid copy rights please... But what do you mean? I thought you just like...make the rifts.[/b] "Oh yeah, Ikora we're smart people, lets make volatile rips in the time space continuum" No, it takes a special ritual Ven. It involves 3 Voidwalkers, 6 drums of kerosen- [b]Kerosene??? What the f***![/b] Hey! Don't interrupt, you wanted to know. 6 Drums of kerosene, 3 dregs heads, and rocket launchers. You have the voidwalkers stand in triangular positions, position 2 drums in front of them. Place 1 dregs head on each set an- [b]Whoa whoa whoa! You're joking right? Right?[/b] And fire rockets, the power of the void in each warlock quells the explosion to where it creates an implosion. Causing the rifts. [b]Wait. That doesn't make any sense. Then why do you need a dregs head? And how do they respawn to be ignited again?[/b] I don't know Ven. Tell you what, you figure it out. And if you want to, you can always make 2 self respawning rifts every 10 minutes for Lord shaxx. [b]Yeah you know what... forget it. That still doesn't make any sense. But final question. Why do you always just stand there? You never really move around..[/b] ...The sweeper bots Ven. When we built them.. They nailed our boots to the ground and listen to our every word... its part of the speakers plan for forced labor.. That's why rahool wants them gone.. He knows what he's planning and- [b]Okay, that's enough crazy talk... About all I can take. Lastly, What one thing would you change In destiny to make it better ikora? [/b] For you to untie me so I can file another restraining order. And there you have it folks! The words of the warlock Vanguard Ikora rey herself! She has some trust issues doesn't she? This week, The iron banner returned with lord shaxx bringing everyone goodies to earn for there dedication to skill and determination to kill all noobs in the crucible. Including various new armor pieces and beefed up weapons everyone is competing for. In earlier news, Xur arrived bringing a trio of helmets and the Powerful thunderlord as well as the not-so-sought-after legacy engrams. In the only update from bungie we learned about the 'Crimson days' Event that will host new quests, pvp playlists and rewards for couples either it be normal romance, or bromance, so be ready next month, and grab your sweety or your bro and pwn everyone you can! So far there has been a scarce amount of news for bungie. I'll be trying to dig up info in the weeks ahead! But I know they wont make it easy on me! Thank you all for reading. I'm no Max, but I will try my best for you all lovely fellas. See you all starside! Please also inform me if you wish for me to continue, improve or stop cold in the tracks.