This is a response to Pride and all those hiding, also too those confused because they cannot understand us, be it gay, lesbian or trans. In my life I have learnt that running away is never the answer, especially when it comes to yourself. One simply cannot run far enough away, if the very person you are running from is you ! I wonder how many of us here are guilty of trying this impossible feat ? So in my last post about myself I touched upon a few issues I had, but here I will say just how bad I got. Hopefully in order to either make those that may read this feel better, or help those that may be experiencing this open up enough to have a chat about their situation. So basically I spoke a little about my drug use but to give you an idea of how out of control I was, I was smoking around 5 ounces of cannabis per month sometimes even more and this was costing me £165. I was drinking one large bottle of Jack Daniels every other day and would finish the bottle when doing so. I smoked crack did cocaine, speed and ecstasy. I never ever went near heroine though. I would smoke from the moment I got up to the second before I went to bed and at times when on other drugs and alcohol I honestly thought I would die, I remember one time whilst on cannabis, alcohol, ecstasy and crack thinking that at any moment my buzz would peek so high I would just pass out or die. I want to make it very clear I am not in any way proud of my past and I would never advocate the use of any drug because drugs can effect every person differently. I am happy I have had a large array of experiences in my life and these have moulded me into the person I am today and also allow me to be better informed when discussing such matters with others. As I say I am not proud of my past life but neither am I ashamed they are as much of a part of me as any other point in my life so far. I was pretty out of control at home too, full of anger mostly aimed at myself but sometimes at those closest to me, I know I gave my mum and sister a really hard time at home, and for that I am truly sorry. I was in a very dark place and through the grace of the powers that be I found my way back, but not however before I reached a low point. Towards the later part of my addictions I would live to damage myself between my legs. As I have made everyone aware I am transsexual and obviously my parts where my biggest issue. My parents never knew this about me and I had kept myself hidden all my life. I would smoke as much cannabis as I could and drink to the point that I couldn’t drink anymore and mutilate myself, please if anyone here doesn’t want to read on this next part is graphic and I think very relevant to my story which is why I am including it. I bought some bull castration pliers from eBay and numbing myself up with lignocaine I would use these in the hope they would castrate me and rid me of my boy parts. I injected them with 90 percent proof alcohol and at the peek of my exploits with table salt and warm water. This was so so dangerous and although it did the job I don’t know how I’m still on this planet. I could have easily died, the pain I cannot explain and every step was agony, I thought at times I was either going to have to go to the hospital or I was going to pass out. This went on for a little over one week. It was just after this time that my parents got me to see a doctor about my drug use. They thought I was a risk to myself and I was sectioned, I was out in three days and it is nice to know I’m sane…lol. But it wasn’t a great experience for me. During this time I came out as Trans, I had already told my best friend but this was telling my family. I am not one of those girls that can say coming out was a great thing for me, but it was nice to not have to use so much of my energy to hide who I was. I would like to say that my drug use stopped here but I can not. I just wasn’t ready to give up and it took me a few years after to slow down and stop completely. For me maybe it was age, maturity or just realising that you cannot run away from yourself or atleast run far enough for things to be ok, and sure maybe I could forget whilst out of my mind but when I woke up the next morning the problems where still there, they didn’t just go away. And this is the point of my story, I had got so lost, I felt as if I was all alone with my problems that no one would understand me, least of all like me if they knew who I really was. I was a shell of my former self and I literally thought people only liked me for the image of myself I had portrayed all my life. This act I had put on to hide myself away. And that as lost as I had become that the only way I could find myself or be ‘normal’ was to carry on doing drugs. I hated everyone for being ‘normal’ and able to take their lives for granted when I could do anything but. I have no idea how I found my way back but I was very lucky, I had great friends around me, I guess I had got so lost within myself I had failed to see that the people I held closest to me would have done anything for me to be happy. I was shocked at how much my friends missed me when I was sectioned and even planned to break me out…rofl. So to sum up, never ever feel you are alone and maybe like me it will take you a while to open up to others. For me it took just over ten years. I am sorry I lost so much time from my life but as I said I am the person I am today because of my experiences in life be them good or bad. For transsexual men and women, getting the help we need is a very long and drawn out process, years of jumping through hoops just to be ourselves. And whilst I can see why this has to be the case it is a very difficult thing to have to deal with. Having to prove the way we feel, being judged by those in our every day lives and the doctors we are expected to see during our transition. It can be a very degrading process and being taken as a pervert or kinky or some kind of monster by others is what held me back for so many years. Having to wait over three years to get an appointment at one of only a handful of clinics in the UK and having to live in our gender role for a further three years once we are seen. I don’t mean to say my problems are any worse than others all I mean is that for you sorting your issues out may not be as hard as you think. No matter how you may feel about your worries or problems there is always a way out, and in most cases problems that we worry about over and over get blown out of all proportion in our minds until we make them into these huge issues that become so hard to deal with we wouldn’t even know where to start. Don’t allow this to happen to you, my case is an extreme one and obviously I understand that your problems will not be the same as mine. Don’t ever forget those around you and no matter how low you feel they will help you. That’s what friends are for, never feel you are a burden, good friends are there whether you are making them laugh or talking to them about worrying issues because good friends are there no matter what. This is one thing I forgot, and if you feel you cannot talk to friends please please seek help else where. No one will judge you, you may think they will but the only one judging you in most cases is yourself. Getting over such issues is hard and can be a long road to recovery but never think you are not worth it, we all have something to offer others and you know what I may not be a ground breaking scientist who makes a life changing discovery, but if my life can touch others and change them for the better or make them stop to think it hasn’t been a waste of time. Don’t wait as long as I did feeling sorry for yourself. Nothing is ever as bad as we make it out to be, I know my life has changed for the better, I live as Sarah full time, I have a job as a carer I have not lost a single friend since coming out and neither have I had any bad experiences to date. Never run away from your problems they will find you no matter how far or how long you run for. Turn back to them and face them, take control. Talk to us here let us know what you are experiencing. We will try to help and offer advise. We all have something to offer we are all important. Never feel you aren’t. Hugs and kisses to all those experiencing mental health problems or those that have effected me x.