So, I've been watching you people for a while now, I've got things to tell you. First of all, Zavala's a frickin dick. Good, now that that's out of the way, I can actually start.
I've seen the Crucible. I've seen the strikes, the raids, everything. All that you've done since I killed Ghaul when his power was over 9,000. I've been a witness to everything since that moment. And I can't say I'm very proud.
I heard some hunters on your wall talking about one of my chosen. Shin Malphur. From what I heard, the two veterans were telling this "Gunslinger" how Malphur created the power this guardian now has. And how he did so out of vengeance. I am aware that Yor was murdering Guardians. But the entire reason I created you was to protect me. That was it. And this leads me into my next thing.
Your "loot". It prevents you from realizing that I gave you guys the freaking Light(TM-yup, I just trademarked that). I mean, who needs a gun when I gave you a handheld nuke, turned you into Captain America, or gave you a fancy trapper bow? All I'm asking is a little more respect, guys. I mean, come on.
[spoiler]'tis but some satire[/spoiler]
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I get this was satire but you do raise the question of why do we use guns? Hunters have guns already along with knives, bows, and staffs. Warlocks literally channel electricity through their fingers, the power of a super nova through their palm, and the energy of a sun into the shape of a sword. Titans can crest a hammer of molten whatever, a shield (both portable and stationary, and can punch things so hard they explode. ALSO guardians can create different types of explosive devises at their whim. Why do we even bother with guns? Like wtf?.