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Edited by Fero:
7/3/2020 1:44:02 AM
15
Alone.
“Was it me? Did I really do it? No...that wasn’t my fault.”
[i] I look up to the sky.[/i]
“Why is it rain? I hate being wet...”
“You alright there mate?” [i]A man, tall, broad, most likely a hunter.[/i]
“I’m fine, just tired. Do I know you?”
“No, but your father did. He was a good man. I’m sorry for your loss, especially recently...no man should have to go through what you did.” [i]He seems sympathetic.[/i]
“My father? You worked with him then...” [i]I look at him questioningly.[/i]
“I did, I knew your father before you were born. He was a dear friend and a great leader...”
“Great leader my ass...he could barely take care of us!” [i]I begin to lose my temper.[/i]
“If he could’ve spent more time with you he would have! He loved you, and your mother. He may not have shown it all the time, but deep down he cared for you. It wasn’t his fault he was gone all the time. Times have been rough, I wish I could help ease the pain for you...”
[i]I don’t reply.[/i]
“Come with me boy. I’ll get you some food and we can talk...” [i]He offers.[/i]
“Ok...” [i]Is all I can croak out.[/i]
[spoiler]Ok guys! This is my first time writing a story here...I’d like all the criticism I can get! (I’m looking at you Aifos...) I’d like to continue writing this and getting better and better. I used to write a lot as a kid, it’d be fun to try again.[/spoiler]
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5 RepliesTwo big things struck me as off; The first is the way you had your character’s emotions portrayed. Take this line; [quote]”...” I can’t say anything.[/quote] It’s kind of redundant. The “...” already implies you didn’t reply, so we don’t really need you to reaffirm that. Instead, elaborating on why you couldn’t say anything might’ve been better. [quote]”...” I can’t say a word. Maybe I knew it was because he was right—that the old man cared for us in his own, flawed way.. Or maybe I didn’t like the way this guy acted like he knew him better than me.[/quote] Alternatively, either the “...” or the “I can’t say anything..” would’ve worked on their own. The other issue is the total lack of buildup. The protag either should’ve had more time alone with his thoughts, or the stranger should’ve been introduced in a less.. Sudden way, for lack of a better word. Something like [quote]“Oi, (protag), that you? What are you doing out in the rain?” “I’m sorry, do I know you?” “Oh, sorry, guess you wouldn’t remember. I’m a friend of your father’s.”[/quote] The biggest piece of advice I can give here, though, is to remember that if you’re writing in first person, we should hear more of the protag’s thoughts. If you want us to be a bit distant, and not know what he’s thinking as much, I’d switch to third person.
