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Edited by GiantSlayer: 7/4/2020 5:25:28 AM
4

Dawn’s Forge: Industrialization

Giant extended his left hand. “Fusion Cutter.” He requested. A moment passed and the small device materialized in his palm. He immediately started using it to fuse together the skeletal frame on his work bench. “You know, I could just fabricate it for you.” Echo said, his hologram materializing on the bench. “I need the practice.” came the reply. “Besides, I can’t rely on you to do everything.” “That is why I am here, G-7567.” “I told you, that is not my name. Too long, and it gives me bad memories.” “You cannot keep ignoring your your past. It will inevitably catch up with you.” “Hmm.” Giant stopped working for a moment and set the body upright. He stepped back and examined his work. It resembled a humanoid robot, with a singular, vertical line of a photoreceptor plate as a face. It’s appendages were lined with wires and plating. “All that’s left is to add the armor plating and AI. Do you mind handling that?” Echo merely replied with a sigh, then armor plating soon appeared on the motionless robot. Its photoreceptor lit, and it stood to its feet. Its vocabulator garbled to life. “//SENTINEL 001, DESIGNATION PENDING, AWAITING INSTRUCTION//“ “What should we call this one?” Giant mused. “Alpha, maybe?” Echo suggested. Giant shook his head. “Everyone picks that. We need something with a little more...” Giant waved a hand in the air. “...flair.” “What about Toby?” Giant crossed his large arms. “Hmm...I like it. Sentinel 001, your designation is Toby.” The Sentinel stood at attention. “//CONFIRMATION NEEDED. MY DESIGNATION IS ‘TOBY’?//“ “Confirmed. Your designation is Toby.” “//CONFIRMATION RECEIVED. MY DESIGNATION IS TOBY//“ “Toby, you will take first watch at these coordinates.” Giant nodded to Echo, who transmitted a set of coordinates to Toby. “//ACKNOWLEDGED. EXECUTING COMMAND.//“ The Sentinel said as he went to his post. “Now for the rest of them.” Giant went on. “You have the schematics?” He looked at Echo. The hologram nodded. “Send them to the base computer, and get the Forge up and running. If we’re going to have a competition of strength, we’re going to need sparring partners.” “It is done...Giant.” Giant gave him a smug look. He checked a display on his wrist. “We’ve run out of the metal. We will need to harvest more if we’re to manufacture the Prototype.” Giant descended all the way down the stairs to the lowest level of the fortress, right in front of a large blast door. He inputted a code and entered a large cavern deep underneath the fortress. Mining rails crisscrossed the vast expanse, disappearing into holes signifying new branches of the mine. Making his way to one of these new holes, he walked up to the mine’s end and hammered his fists into the rock, breaking it slowly but steadily. [b][i]Wham. Wham. Wham.[/i][/b] “Do you really have to do that?” Echo pondered from his side. Giant didn’t even move his head. “Do you really have to have a problem with everything I do?” He retorted. “This helps me relax.” [b][i]Wham. Wham. Wham.[/i][/b] He checked the sides of the walls for his quarry. Nothing so far. “Alright, when we get a good enough store, [i]then[/i] we can automate this.” Giant sighed. “You happy?” “I am happy when you are happy.” Was all Echo had to say [b][i]Wham. Wham. Wh-[/i][/b] [b][i]-Tchink![/i][/b] Giant pulled back his fist sharply as he hit an amber metal vein in the rock wall. He took out his axe and began delicately chipping away at the sides of the vein. The rock fell away, and he gently cut out a small sample of the ore. “Look at it.” he said as he held up the shining metal in his hand, its surface glistening even in the dim light of the cavern. “So beautiful even in its raw form. As radiant as starlight, yet as strong and as malleable as iron. That’s what we’re gonna call it: Radiant Iron...” Echo beamed in approval.

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  • This is pretty good; it's a bit dialouge-heavy, but that's ok. One issue that i saw is that there seems to be a glaring gap in the story, as if you chopped out an entire portion in between Giant descending into the mine and extracting the Radiant Iron. I've isolated the missing part below. [quote]Giant descended all the way down the stairs to the lowest level of the fortress, right in front of a large blast door. He inputted a code entered into the vast mines deep underneath the fortress. Making his way to new strip of the mine, he hammered his fists into the rock, breaking it slowly but steadily. He continued through the stone, checking the walls on either side for signs of the ore’s vein. After a long, arduous process he succeeded, and took out his axe to extract the precious metal. “Look at it.” he said as he held up the shining metal in his hand, its surface glistening even in the dim light of the cavern. “So beautiful even in its raw form. As radiant as starlight, yet as strong and as malleable as iron. That’s what we’re gonna call it: Radiant Iron...” Echo beamed in approval.[/quote] The readee needs to know more aboit that "long, ardous process". It sounds good for a summary, but there's no satisfaction for the reader because that process is too vague. Giant didn't really stumble on the iron in this mysterious vein nor does the reader know of Giant even knew that the Radiant Iron exsists. He just kinda finds it, but the reader doesn't really know or understand what he had to do to get it. It's like cutting out the training montage in a movie: nobody likes it when the protaganist goes from nothing to superhero wothout any real explanation. Of course, this is just some iron, and we don't really know if the iron is all that important yet, so it's not as big of a deal, but the same principle applies.

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