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Edited by Girraffalope:
3/19/2022 3:05:00 AM
29
If you see a homeless man, be more like me, because I have a moral superiority complex
Today I saw a homeless guy with this 12 beagles sitting outside the Walmart where I huff paint in the bathroom. It was -66° outside, so I bought his dogs some shoes. He was hunched over clutching his stomach in pain, so I also bought two barrels of pepto bismol. I was feeling a bit generous, so I went back inside and got 200 cans of chef boyardee and a Bluetooth microwave to heat them with. I bought six backpacks full of loose Gatorade and a straw to slurp from, and also a 40 pound bag of dog food for him to luff around. His drip was honestly trash so I also got a gold chain to spice up his brown aesthetic. If you’re homeless in upstate New York, you die, because of the notorious Hobo Strangler Gang. I made a difference that day.
Two months later I was being robbed at gunpoint by a Jehova’s Witness, when I heard a thunderous stampede of well-dressed beagles charge the alley and eat the guys eyes. From the swarm materialized the homeless man, who was now wearing two suits and gold dentures. He now had a job as a professional bank person, all because I saved his life.
Also I can do a better kick flip than God, so you tell me who’s real.
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Edited by halfpenny23: 1/28/2022 5:26:22 AMJust about a few days ago - wait…no…whenever was the first time I left rehab was when I did the kindest think I’ve ever done. It all started when I left the alleyway where I tend set up shop and sell crack to the usual customers. I love those guys with every fiber of my being, they allow me have some sort of income. It’s been hard to get a job nowadays after I became a conflicted felon for -blam!- misconduct, but nonetheless I manage to make a living off of those addicted freaks…I mean friendly patrons. Anyways, after a hard days work of crippling my customers overall health, I noticed a half beaten -blam!- that was left on the sidewalk by her pimp. I thought I could take the opportunity to get a half-off deal and take her to my apartment, but apparently she took this as a sign of kindness and instead came because she thought I was helping her? So I brought her back and fed her one of the rats I caught earlier in the morning. However, the pimp found my location and upon demand, I gave her back (she ate my food and he threatened to kill me, what was I supposed to do?) About a week later I was arrested by the authorities and was held against court for dealing drugs and once again disobeying [i]the law[/i] or whatever. But I always look back fondly of when I helped that poor woman to not be abused for a good 4 hours.
