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Edited by Panzer I: 4/21/2022 4:36:51 PM
4

Santius, Turak, and a Bloodthirsty Oaf [STORY]

[spoiler]New story time! This takes place in Offtopic, which is the time that our three intrepid servants of Chaos were sent back. I've been working on this one for a hot minute, and it's not my favorite, but I like the characters and needed to get this one out of WIP. Enjoy, if you want, and remember that I appreciate criticism.[/spoiler] “Santius, tell me you can see something,” crackled over the vox. Santius ignored it, focusing instead on the radar signals blipping up on his hud. Radar was old tech, from before even the Unification wars, but being thrust back in time came with its drawbacks. The man who spoke over the vox, Turak, was in cover far in front of Santius. Turak was eager to please, being newly blessed by the Gods of the Immaterium, but being over-eager meant a half-useful asset. Santius keyed his mic, “Turak, nothing of note. Radar and bioscans see 3 likely signs of living things, or perhaps just radio signals. I still am not fully sure how this STC works. Combat Algorithms have been run, move forward 100 feet and take cover again.” Turak complied. The other member of the small squad who was sent back, a Khornate Berserker who kept much of his intelligence by moderating his worship, simply continued forward. His power armor has been mostly discarded, Santius had no knowledge of how the machine spirit functioned and thusly could not repair it. Instead, the former Astartes wore a simple loincloth and some sparse armoring, seemingly from animal hide. The Berserker spoke next, though how he accessed the vox network was still a mystery to Santius. “I advance,” he whispered, “I can smell blood, and it has been 3 hours since I last claimed a skull. I will return,”. The Berserker ran off. His rudimentary way of speaking still stunned Santius, and Santius was still angry that the Astartes would not relinquish his name, but he was a useful asset. None of the humans of this time were genetically modified. There were also no abhumans, which was even stranger. This made a superhuman, and one who sold his soul to the God of Warriors especially powerful, and Santius made full use of it. But, despite Santius’ efforts, the Berserker did as it pleased, and Santius could not order it about like Turak. He would deal with that later, for at the moment Turak relied on him to keep an eye on their surroundings, which wasn’t a very wide eye, but it was an eye nonetheless. “Santius, movement!” Turak whisper-yelled over vox. Santius’s 3rd optical array snapped to Turak’s position. He saw it too. 3 humans moved about the forest, wielding simple powder rifles. Santius sighed and readied his rifle. Most Techpriests didn’t arm themselves like Skitarii, even those -blam!- the false emperor and sided with the first Warmaster. However, Santius was in a unique situation. His plasma gun was primed and prepared to fire. For the sake of survival, it wasn’t supercharged, thank the Gods, but in this world that wasn’t necessary. Santius squeezed the trigger, and a blast of plasma rocketed out from the barrel of the rifle. The human struck by it fell immediately, his simple armor rendered useless. One of Santius’ spare arms whirred over his shoulder and fired the simple powder rifle they had scavenged a week past. The next human fell. Taking advantage of the situation, Turak fired his Lasgun at the final human, who was duly stripped of any meat on his bones. The patrol was down, and Santius saw no radio communications being sent out. Santius keyed his vox, “Turak, we must go locate that bloodthirsty oaf. Probability calculations state there is an 84% chance he moved in the direction of the town located on bearing 43. Advance.” As Turak complied, Santius leaped down from his vantage point. Many tech priests would have slowed their fall, especially careful not to damage their mechanical bulk, but Santius streamlined his modifications with what steel they could find. Steel had to suffice for the operations, for nothing else could be found on this forsaken planet. He fell to the ground with a loud thud and ran after the Berserker, Turak close behind. They reached the small town, full of humans in drab clothing, and lacking any modifications. Truly disgusting. Unlike the majority of the people on this planet, however, they just… went about their day. Santius’ mechanical augmentations did nothing to shake their routine, and Turak’s wolf head and chaos-blessed armor seemed perfectly normal. Santius’ optical arrays whirred around, taking in faces and surroundings, adding to his data. Indeed, this is likely where the Berseker ran off to. Santius looked up. The wooden construction of some of the homes seemed to contrast with the rudimentary, but the very powerful architecture of the large towers that touched the clouds. It was nothing compared to any hive city, but there was a charm to it. He heard the vox crackle again, “You follow. Good. This place is strange to my senses.” That was the Berserker, and thanks to the vox, he could pinpoint the general location of the Berserker, based on background noise. He signaled to Turak to follow and then went off in the direction of the Berserker. The towering form of the former Astartes was easy to spot in the crowd of people. The lot of them were standing outside some form of gathering place, and the Astarte moved through the crowd, covered by a long cloak, and no one paid it any attention. Santius sighed and pushed through the crowd, his servo skull moving enough of them out of his way that no one would step on his robe. Santius reached the Berserker, who stopped mid-step. “Look,” he rumbled, pointing at a creature standing high, and orating to the people. “There are creatures of evil about, good citizens of Offtopic! Creatures who seek to corrupt and devour your souls! They come from a time far into the future, where humanity has fallen to this corruption en masse! They call themselves servants of Chaos, worshippers of the Ruinous Powers, and devotees of the Dark Gods! If you see them, get away fast, for it is better that they kill you than you be turned to their evil!” He went on for quite a while, but Santius had stopped listening. So, they were here for a purpose. And they had found it.

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  • I noticed that your formatting with the dialouge is a little bit off. Usually, you want to avoid having dialouge in the middle of paragraphs because, if a reader happens to skip over a quotation mark, it'll be really confusing when the language suddenly shifts from narration to dialouge. Especially here, since many of us read on mobile, text is condensed, so it's easy to miss little punctuation marks. Rather, dialouge should be isolated in its own paragraph, or a quote can be the last or first sentence of a paragraph. Another pro tip is that for caveman-speech, which i'm pretty sure you're going for with the berserker, an easy trick to get that effect is to cut out linking and helping verbs. For example: [quote]I can smell blood[/quote] vs. [quote]I smell blood[/quote] Or [quote]This place is strange to my sense[/quote] vs. [quote]This place strange to my senses[/quote] That's all i've got for this bit, but i like how the language has a little bit of a refined taste to it. This won't fly for all characters, but since Santius seems to me to be like a soldier-scholar type, some of these wordy bits work a little better. A W40k fan would be able to appreciate it much better than i, but the lore isn't so overwhelming that i was lost. Nice job!

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