🎭 EDGE OF FATE: THE MUSICAL 🎭 “When the Hive Cry, We Sing in Anguish” A tragic, tone-deaf space opera in five acts and one long sigh. 🎵 OPENING NUMBER – “OH CROW, YOU SAD SAD BIRD” (Upbeat jazz hands with heavy sighs. Spotlight on Crow, sitting on a moon rock with eyeliner and feelings.) Crow (sings): 🎶 I died once, then twice, Now I brood over ice, My Ghost says “move on” but I just roll dice... Of trauma and guilt, I build towers of shame, And every Guardian's patience I slowly maim... 🎶 Backup dancers dressed as Nightmare Phantoms twirl around him and whisper “It’s your fault…” 🎭 ACT I: “ERIS’S EVIL ARIA” Dark lights. Green smoke. Hive symbols float across the stage. Eris levitates center stage. Eris (power ballad): 🎶 I gave my eyes to the darkness, Now I give my soul to the grind, With Hive runes and vague motives, The plot I shall not define… 🎶 Giant paper mâché Hive worms descend from the rafters and one explodes in confetti. 👨‍✈️ ACT II: “ZAVALA’S LAMENT (I Used to Matter)” Zavala sits at a Vanguard desk made of papier-mâché Light shards, staring into a middle distance. Zavala (deep baritone): 🎶 I led the fight through war and pain, Held back the night, through driving rain… Now I read reports, And say things like “wait,” While Crow cries and Eris seals our fate… 🎶 Ikora appears behind him, shrugs, and walks offstage to avoid answering any questions. 🎩 ACT III: “FENCHURCH’S FUNKY INTERLUDE” Disco ball. Glitter. No context. Fenchurch (funk groove): 🎶 I’ve got lore, I’ve got drip, Got a Void cannon on my hip! I’ve been lost for years, but now I’m here, To derail this plot with charming cheer! 🎶 He moonwalks across the HELM. The audience is confused but slightly entertained. 🧨 ACT IV: “THE FINAL ENCOUNTER (Raid Wipe Remix)” Fire. Darkness. Everyone on stage panics in interpretive dance form. A Hive boss T-poses menacingly. Entire Cast (singing): 🎶 We wield the Light, we’ve faced the Blight, But now the devs… have dimmed our might… Edge of Fate is hard to bear, And Bungie nerfed my solar flare! 🎶 Titan (screams): 🎶 MY BUBBLE DIDN’T GO OFF! 🎶 Warlock (wails): 🎶 MY SUPER’S STUCK AT 97%! 🎶 Hunter (dies off-stage, again): 🎶 WHY DO I EVEN HAVE A CLASS ITEM?? 🎶 🌌 GRAND FINALE – “WE'LL WAIT FOR NEXT SEASON (AGAIN)” Everyone gathers on the Tower balcony. The Traveler glows faintly, playing a ukulele. Everyone (softly): 🎶 We fought the dark, we felt the pain, We watched the servers crash again… But still we log in, all the same, Because we’re caught… in Destiny’s game… 🎶 Curtain falls. Post-credit scene hints at a Vex tap dance number in Episode: Reckoning. Standing ovation? Nah. Slow clap with a side of salt? You bet your exotic shard it is.