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3/6/2013 3:31:18 PM
28
Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression
[url=http://www.theonion.com/articles/child-who-just-lost-balloon-begins-lifelong-battle,31519/]Full Story.[/url][quote]“No, the balloon,” said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. “It’s flying away.”
“Come back,” added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.
“It’s only a balloon, honey,” said Tremont’s mother, unaware that the dismissive response only served to compound the anxieties forming in her young son’s mind. “Come on, let’s go and see the animals.”
Tremont, whose sadness will swell over the course of years into what seems like an infinite, gaping dark void that neither monoamine oxidase inhibitors and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors nor dietary changes will be able to close completely, was reportedly uninterested in seeing the animals.
“I didn’t mean to let the balloon fly away,” said the person who, while undergoing extensive psychotherapy in his mid-30s, will sometimes recall his childhood and try in vain to pinpoint some particular event that may have triggered the depression. “I didn’t mean to. I want the balloon back.”[/quote]
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Dude, he was only traumatized? I attempted suicide when I lost one.
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Onion News: Preparing you for future happenings.
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1 Reply>Onion >People taking it seriously Gentlemen, please
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I actually have 3 balloons right now, by my desk.
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1 ReplyMy first balloon popped in my face. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up...
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I got dem feelz, poor balloon... I hope it found a suitable home!
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I love The Onion
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1 ReplyWhat a pussy.
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My two year old nephew goes through balloons like it's nothing. And when he loses one he looks sad for a second but then he just goes to the next thing to play with. He can have fun with just about anything.
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What.
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Me so sad
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Well, I've never even had a balloon. So there. Take that.
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Well ok then.
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1 ReplyI remember losing my first balloon. So painful.
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Man Kids these Dayz! They need some punishment so they know what real pain is! Kids are too soft nowadayzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Patrick stole it on free balloon day.
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Even though its the onion, its completely true. Kids these days are WAYYYYYYYYY too soft.
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* sniffle sniffle * Its so touching.
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7 Replies*sigh* Now I remember why I muted this guy... Not amused.
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[quote]“It’s only a balloon, honey,” said Tremont’s mother, unaware that the dismissive response only served to compound the anxieties forming in her young son’s mind. “Come on, let’s go and see the animals.”[/quote] ROFL
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lol ONN
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Can someone remind me that this is fake?
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I hate when people post Onion articles because then I get mad when people believe it.
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i crai erytim ;(
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I dont even know how to respond. They better watch that kid when his dog dies or his first girlfriend breaks up with him because he will most likely kill himself.
