I'm a critic, but I don't really focus on grammar errors. The way I see it, if I understand the story, it's not too bad. Are they there? Yes. Are they numerous? Yes. But I can still understand what's going on, so they aren't too bad. A majority of them are just misplaced quotation marks and commas. But word of advice with the commas, be careful about where you place them. It can turn a sentence from suspenseful, into a run on and broken up. But it helps to read it over when your done. Then have someone else read it over. Their more likely to catch mistakes. But let's talk about story. It's going pretty good. I really like the characters. They were introduced pretty well, but I feel like they didn't have enough dialogue. I personally feel that there should be a lot of dialogue in the stories, but you do what you want. I've seen tons of stories pull it off with absolutely no dialogue and they're best sellers. So that I don't really mind. But something you should consider is descriptions. Just every time something happens, take a moment to describe it. For example, you could say: "I stood over the cliff and looked at the camp." Or you could say: "I stood looking over the small jagged cliff. I could see the camp on the windswept plains. It was small, but had a formidable force. The largest tent obviously belonged to the captain." See? Descriptions attract the reader. Plus they make your story longer, making it look somewhat better (its a weird psychology trick). Overall, not that bad. It could obviously use improvement in some places, but you obviously have a good thing going. I'll be waiting for part 2 :D