I live in an environment that's harsh in terms of making money. The people of this town are too stingy to pay for anything of quality, too narrow minded to try something new. Other options are far away and I'm not much of a city person. I dropped out of highschool which limits some of my potential options for job hunting. But this is fine with me, as I don't want to work my life away for nothing. However, it may have been nice to have direction in my life, some goal that spurred me on towards something. I've wasted several years of my life doing nothing, accomplishing little. I can say that I don't miss the time I've squandered, but I am aware that it is now gone, and in terms of progress, I am behind my current generation, yet ahead at the same time. My only goal now, the one that keeps me from falling back into a pit of depression, is helping to inevitably support my family, my mother who is old and chances are will reach retirement soon without anywhere to live, and my sister and her husband and child, who are all good friends, but her husband is older. Chances are he won't be able to finish all that he wants to do for her, and eventually it'll be up to me to make sure things work out in the end. This, therefore limits what i can do. How far I can travel, how far I can dare to reach. But there's an irony in it all. I know what the majority of the town thinks and gossips about me. I'm a lazy person, good for nothing. And this is partially true. Or it was, about a year ago. But then I stood up, thanks to the help of a friend. I can still have a bout of lazyness, and as of right now I've still accomplished little. But I'm willing to work, and I put my god damn best effort into whatever it is I do. And still, people believe me to be lazy and good for nothing. Ironically, when it is their kids who leave, off on their own life, completely forgetting their parents behind them. Or rich people setting up their kids for future failures when life slaps them upside the head in some spectacular crash down on them. They're all so busy pointing fingers when they fail to see the latest generation of kids, younger than me, but still old enough to work and explore, do none of this, and in fact, the town has trouble finding young people to work. And they call me lazy? I'm 21 as of last month on October 30th. I need, or should I say, choose to support those I care about around me, because it's all I have right now. By 25 I believe that if I do not have a good home, and something to spur me on, then there will continue to be trouble in my life, and the older one gets, the harder it is to climb back up after every fall. It's an obstacle course, a challenge to overcome. And I am aware that there are people around me and out in the world with worse off positions than me. And for that I am thankful to be in the place I am now, but it's still such a mountain to climb that looking at it all is overwhelming, and I find myself slipping back to the state of mind I was in just a few short years ago. So how am I going to do it? How am I going to help support everybody when I have so much trouble supporting myself? How could I possibly find something to lead my life with, when all these windows are open, but I have no idea where to look? And most of all, it hurts to see all these people I used to know, old friends now grown distant, having expanded so much since I last saw them, unrecognizable from who they used to be, and then there's me, a simple person who's only driving goal is merely helping my family, while I remain stuck here, but not because I have to, because I choose to, because I've got nowhere to turn otherwise. I look at it all some nights, and I seriously don't think I have the strength to do it. But I've got to try at the very least. I don't think I'm cut out for anything grand in life. I know I have a decent head, but I'm too late to learn some things, too unfamiliar and not wired correctly for others etc etc. Sometimes I wish I were in some shithole of a country, problems all around, with broken and twisted people. It might teach me something about reaching for some goal to escape the hell I was trapped in. But I'm stuck here now. Here's hoping I can make this new year as interesting as last year, and take another step forward towards something.