I've made no secret of the fact that I've been suffering from depression for around the past two months, and that I've also sought professional help for it, but I had a bit of an epiphany today - one that was a shock even to me.
I'd just finished worked this morning and my mother was driving me to McDonald's. For some reason, I thought of the oft-repeated sentiment my mother used to tell me: "It doesn't matter what you do with your life, as long as you're happy and have a reason to get up in the morning". It seems like a fairly essential truism that as long as you're happy, and you're not hurting others, you're leading a decent life. And up until now it made sense to me and I was fairly confident in its universality. Given my upbringing and supportive friends, why shouldn't I be happy with my life?
But I realised I'm not. It kind of hit me like a brick wall; I thought about my mother saying that to me and after being introspective I didn't find happiness - I didn't really find anything. I just immediately had a feeling of numbness all over me. But it doesn't feel like sadness, or unhappiness; it's a lack of happiness - there's nothing active to temporarily take its place. It just isn't there. The only reason I do get up in the morning is because it's pretty much automatic now, and there have been morning where I haven't got up. My life seems to lack meaning or worth, in a much more real sense than I've experience before.
It feels as if I'm watching my life crumble around me, and no point of reference with which to organise myself.
/blogpost
Enjoy the little things in life, I'm not even kidding, the sun's rays on your back, the smell of fresh rain, walking around when it's cool outside and that comfortable tingle on your skin...
It helps a lot
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