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originally posted in:Psykana Librarius
Edited by Psy:
4/26/2014 12:53:01 PM
131
Depression Awareness - Stories of the Flood.
Note - Please use CTRL F for 'Story Section - 1/2/3' to find the story sections that I've posted.
Story Section - 1
Alright, so this is the first in a series of threads to raise awareness of depression, it's symptoms, it's treatments and hopefully busting the crap out of the pervasive myths or misunderstandings that hang around this topic because few people want to start the discussion.
The picture at the top of the thread stood out to me as uncannily accurate. People who are depressed very rarely show that they are, let alone tell the people around them about it. They put on the smile or just a blank face to hide what's inside their head. I know I do, I'm sure other people do as well.
All of these stories will be posted anonymously, the only person who knows the identity of those telling the stories will be me. I'm not going to be divulging the names for obvious reasons. Some weren't too bothered about anonymity for their story but I'll keep it blank by default and they can let people know if they wish.
Story #1 - Cyberbullying in a video game - it's not just to be laughed off.
[spoiler]I do have a story to share with you concerning depression and cyber bullying.
A while back, but not that far back, I was an avid World of Warcraft addict. Worked my job for eight hours, came home and raided for another eight every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. All the other days I spent grinding for gold of leveling my alts for similar time periods. In reflection, it wasn't a good point in my life.
Then one day not sure why or when it started, I don't even remember what they said anymore, I started being harassed by the members of a random guild.
When I attempted to sell items in Trade Chat they would spam messages to immediately bump my message out of view so that I could not sell anything. They followed my guild raids into the zone and constantly posted hurtful messages about me. They sent me PMs with more messages of the same content.
I of course blocked them so they couldn't send me PMs and I couldn't see their messages but their spam still disrupted my sales and got to the point where random Pick up Groups started rejecting me for dungeons even though I more than met gear and skill requirements because of the crap they heard from this guild.
I was furious. I PM'd GMs multiple times about the issue and each time they either couldn't or wouldn't do anything to stop them. Being young I didn't want to or know to escalate it further and to not stop until I got a satisfactory ending so I just continued on dealing with it. I couldn't just log out either. I was a raiding member of a guild clearing newish content. I couldn't just pop offline whenever the assholes started posting. My guild needed me. And being a social outcast in real life, my guild mates were the best friendships I had. I even bought tickets to St. Louis to have a get together with them.
It got so bad and I was feeling like such crap that I admitted to the GM responding to my latest report about these griefers that I felt like giving it all up and ending it all and he had to talk me down or he was going to call the cops and give them my address so they would make sure I didn't kill myself.
I'm not sure what happened to the players in question after that. I don't think Blizzard ever did anything but eventually my computer couldn't keep up with new content and I got side lined in raids and I just stopped playing and that killed the problem.
To this day, anyone putting down a person feeling suicidal or depressed gets my blood boiling because they are insulting me. They are calling me a pussy, they are calling me weak willed and I'll be -blam!-ed if I'm going to take that shit lying down anymore, I'll be -blam!-ed if I let the same shit that happens to me happens to someone else, and I'll be -blam!-ed if I let some -blam!-ty Ann peice of shit dump on a person already feeling like shit.
[/spoiler]
Story #2 - Depression and self-harm, 'getting help' isn't easy.
[spoiler]So I'm going to give you my story on an alt. You prooobably know who I am and I wont bother getting into my persona to mask it. I was just too embarrassed to tell you on my main.
It's for you thread should you share it anon. A treatment or idea of sorts.
I suffered from depression for over four years. Got into the cutting scene and was raised in an emotionally, mentally and psychically abusive family. Which is, I believe, the cause of all of my mental crutches. The option to see a therapist wasn't there. It simply didn't and doesn't exist for some people. "Getting help" isn't easy, especially with the social pressure that hovers around asking for it.
I turned 18 and was kicked out of my house while attending college which lead me to turn to games, poor eating/sleeping habits, and denial. Though talking to a selected few did help, it was little more than putting a band-aid over an open wound. A temporary fix to a large problem. As the years went on the depression seemed to drag. Some days I would be okay, other days it was too much effort to breath. I only wished to stay in bed all day. Later a family member got me a cat.
This helped a lot. It kept my mind busy and made me feel needed. I felt more motivated to go to my job everyday so I would have money to spoil him. I would go outside more often, walking him on his leash and allowing everyone to admire him. He understood certain words when I used him. Knew his name, knew when he had misbehaved. Having such a smart pet made me proud. Gave me a sense of accomplishment.
I loved him just as I did my family and friends. But only a year of having him, he became terminally ill. I made the most crippling choice in my life and had to put him down to end his pain. My depression peaked at this point. My mind hardly recalls those days even now.
What I do remember is living in a fog. My body on autopilot. When I wasn't working I was sleeping. Didn't eat. Hardly drank water. Closed up to anyone who tried to talk to me. Thoughts of suicide strangled me. My room was a constant mess. Never cared about my attire or appearance very much then. It was too much trouble and simply wasn't worth it. Each day that passed felt more and more of a chore. Existing was a chore.
It finally broke me one day at my job. Working the night shift and I sat in the back and cried as a child would. My hands were shaking. It was it. It was the day I was done.
Completely done with everything. Despite that something in me still wanted to live. I flipped through my contacts searching desperately for someone to call. To talk to me and listen. I wanted help now. Being alone was too difficult. Holding it in; hiding from the world. Putting on a smile when I was around people to pretend everything was fine. Goofing off so no one would even have an idea that I wasn't okay.
There was no single person I had the courage to pour out to so I bit my cheek and wrote out a confession on my facebook. I told everyone. Absolutely terrified that I would be scolded, patronized or belittled for it. It was the opposite though.
My friends gave me so much support. Family members were giving suggestions. Phone calls. Texts. I finished closing the store, went home to my flatmate asking what she could do to help. I cried in relief that night. Even as I type that sensation of it is causing me to tear up in happiness.
It was time to change. I cut out soda and junk food entirely. Instead of going home and jumping in bed or on the xbox I took a walk. Explored the rural expanse around me. Sat and stared out at the lake to relax on clear nights. I took the effort to talk to friends about things that stressed me out. Soon a work out routine fell into place.
Every two days a week I set aside time to clean the house. Even making sure to keep every thing as tidy as I could. Once I forced myself into being healthy physically my mind slid into place. The depression and suicidal thoughts ebbed away.
Happiness became genuine. It was as if a massive weight on my mind, chest and shoulders had melted away slowly. It was crazy. Just by changing my diet, talking to people, and organizing myself the depression was going away. To this day I find it bizarre and wonderful all at the same time. It was one of the most difficult paths however.
To be in a state of not wanting to do anything, because it simply didn't matter
To doing everything a functioning person would do. Choosing to do it. And getting better due to that. Convincing myself was hard however. It wasn't as simple as snapping my fingers and thinking "today I will get better". It was a road of success and failure. Some days you won the battle, other days the battle drowned you.
But you have to keep grabbing for that light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. You probably can't see it but once you do you'll never let it go. While it will fade some nights and the depression will nibble at your mind, you will feel so much lighter. So much more wonderful in the process. That's all I've got to say. Really rather a messy and all over story but *shrugs*
[/spoiler]
Sparkles said this, I think it's very apt and needs a highlight up here.
[quote]The thing about depression is that it isn't sadness; the opposite is not a state of happiness. It is resignation, and the opposite is vitality. Depression takes the life out of life, and gives the world a haze through which you think you see clearly. Two words are simply needed when referring to depression, whether regarding yourself or somebody close to you: get help. [/quote]
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1 ReplyEdited by Progo: 1/14/2016 10:36:09 PMIs this archived?
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"A psychically abusive family"... Sounds harrowing.
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2 RepliesEdited by Dire Dragon: 9/30/2014 3:19:22 AM[quote] No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable. [/quote] -Socrates Sounds like you need a new hobby.
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That whole thing about "getting help" is bullshit. Let me tell you a story of mine. After successfully masking depression for the past decade, I got somewhere between 0.15 and 0.20 drunk and broke down. My help came in the form of two state troopers debating in front of me whether or not I should spend the night in jail, public humiliation in front of anyone who was still in the dorms that night, and spending the rest of the weekend on suicide watch which consisted of an RA dropping by every couple of hours to make sure I wasn't dead (while making it perfectly clear that I was taking time out of their day to do it). They weren't even going to direct me to counseling, either. After that weekend I would have been on my own had I not asked to be referred to counseling, which was kinda meh anyway. I eventually stopped showing up, and they didn't push the subject. Nowadays when an episode comes on I hit the bottle pretty hard. It's not all bad; you haven't lived until you laughed at the cluster-blam!- that is your incredibly inebriated suicide note the next day.
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Edited by RomanGladiator7: 9/30/2014 5:57:50 PMPretty depressed. I have been looking for a career since May after college graduation, and have applied to at least 25 different positions, such as newspaper editor, legal assistant, copy editor, substitute teacher, data entry, etc... Even applied for minimum wage jobs, had an interview, and they DIDN'T EVEN get back to me. So it feels like I am doing nothing with my life since five months ago. And you know what, it went by so quick, but I can't even tell the days apart anymore. I am stuck in a rut. What the hell is an employer going to think when they see my resume and there's a six month gap? What the hell were you doing all that time? It really makes me feel unimportant when I can't get hired for anything; like I don't matter.
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Edited by Gloomfields: 9/30/2014 9:03:39 PMOk well around February last year things were kind of awful. I couldn't think straight and my self esteem was pretty much non existent. I was also failing pretty much everything at school coming out with awfully low grades and it blew my confidence in work away considering I thought I was doing well (it's not very nice to know you're awful at something you thought you were good at). So yeah I kind of sound pathetic there but that stuff used to get me down. Around the beginning of August it got to the beginning of the holidays in England so I had all the time I could possibly want and that's when I met this girl that will remain nameless. She's brilliant. We got to know each other a little but we were just kind of mates for a while and I still felt bad but I never knew how she really was until one day I noticed that it didnt really seem right and it wasn't. She ended telling me about everything that had happened to her since she was about 6 all the way up to now and how some people had done terrible shit to her as a kid and I was shocked and I knew that maybe somewhere she would need help. It also doesn't help that she lives 55 miles away. By about October I was trying to help her with her self harming problems which I thought were bad at the time but they got worse and are still really bad. I was the stronger person really. In about October I came home from school one day and my mum wasn't in and my grandparents were there telling me they had to pick up my brother and sister and me and until my dad could get back and by that time I knew something had happened but I didn't know what. He came home and he told me what had happened and I could've cried but I kept it in. My Nana was killed and we can't get the person who killed her charged because he was driving a left side driving vehicle in England so he couldn't see her and yeah he pissed off back to Poland uncharged. I was upset but I kept it in. I go to talk to Her and she didnt reply. I get a reply a few days later. So I found out she she tried to overdose and yeah she was too I'll to speak and it through me off with two people close dying or dead. I couldn't take it at that point being a failure and seeing two important people die or try to kill themselves and things were bad. Thinking back at it, I shouldn't have been upset and self harmed and did other things but there was more going on in my life and yeah this is a really long comment.
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9 RepliesEdited by Ossku: 6/22/2014 5:02:07 PMI feel like saying something about my situation but eh...always been stubborn so i dont like to talk about stuff. Pretty much what God said, i even replied there but some other stuff too.
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8 RepliesSo, as of late, I've been feeling somewhat down. A month back or so I got hit by a truck, and was injured. In fact I'm still recovering from a few of the deeper cuts today. And it put me on edge somewhat, more aware of how fragile all of our systems really are. And a few weeks later, I practically collapsed in a store and had to be dragged to the hospital, were the doctor confirmed my suspicions. A mask I used at work a year back was defunct, and as a result, I worked in a room for two days straight inhaling asbestos coated concrete dust. My lungs are filled with the stuff, and are now in an asthmatic sate, which only gets worse the more I stay in humid or very dry climates. And, of course, there's the greatly heightened potential for cancer. So, naturally, I have some reason to be a little bit bummed as of late no? Which leads to my next point. I truly do believe that the depression that comes when you really hit a low point in your life, once it arrives, it never leaves. And I believe that no doubt, every person has the potential to fall into the trap. You can make yourself a ladder, and climb out of your hole and stand up for yourself, and keep climbing, but sooner or later, you may fall back down into that hole again. And every time you do, it gets harder to climb back out of it. My trick for not falling back into things, is realizing that although I have troubles, everybody around me does. And to every person, they have their own mountain to climb. Swap shoes with them and the mountain would seem no different. And that helps keep me going, keeps me from completely slipping back down into that dark hole in the ground. But ironically, this trick that I use today, was the same thing I thought of when I was depressed. But it had the opposite effect. Depression alters your mental state, removes the colour, the fun, and the point of everything, until one morning you wake up to the sunshine on your face, and you don't even care. Imagine that. You're being given life by an impossibly enormous ball of energy in its purest form, on a small rock orbiting it, in the vastness of everything so large you could never even hope to grasp it. And your mental state is so altered, that even this is a shade of grey. The point is, depression changes how you see things, how you feel about them, and, the most important, how you feel about yourself. When I looked at things when I was depressed, and realized that people had their own troubles, some better off, and some worse off, it was instantly turned around and sent back at me. I was selfish. And it only helped push me further down the hole. The great irony about depression is that it makes you feel alone. You see all these people, places, and things, and you ask, "What's the point of it all?" When in fact, all around you there are people that have gone through the same as you, or even worse. And many of them hide their depression just like you. But here's the truth. You may seem like the smallest speck of sand on the grand scheme of things. And, at first glance, you are. You sit on a rock, in space, trapped in orbit around a ball of energy so large you'll never truly even be able to barely comprehend just how enormous it is, in an ocean of stars just like it, in a universe without end. But at the same time, you aren't. Every action you take has a reaction. That being said, every inaction does as well. That therefore means, your actions resonate for eternity. If every specific chain of events hadn't happened to you, your parents, your grandparents, great grandparents, and those before them, right down to the very foundation of our star and our planet, the person you are today, would not be you. And you might not even exist. And that means that the life you have is special. And that means that every action or inaction you take affects the outcome of countless numbers of people, both alive, and unborn, events, and everything itself. But what it really means is, [b]You are not alone.[/b] You hide yourself from a sea of people, because your mental state is so altered and warped, twisted to obscure things from you in plain sight, that you lose connection to it all. And the hardest thing to fight depression with, is the will to change. You might come out, or even be discovered, but all the help and counseling in the world won't change anything if you don't realize and acknowledge something. Your actions echo for eternity. Everything you do has a reaction and outcome that you could never hope to comprehend on such a scale that rivals even the universe itself. And it all comes down, to [i]you.[/i] [i]You[/i] have to want to change. [i]You[/i] have to be the one to stand up and fight for yourself. And when you realize this, there will always be somebody there who can help you, because you're never truly alone, no matter how far away from it all you seem.
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Just going to share something else that I truly believe in. It's not related to my post here really but to anyone who has thought of giving up. A warrior does not give up he or she keeps on fighting until the end. You need to have that warrior mentality and never give up on anything or yourself. Giving up will not ever get you anywhere in life at all, it's when you never give up no matter what and keep on pushing on; is when you come out ahead. So be a warrior and keep fighting on.
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7 RepliesAfter reading your stories, I feel as if my own is not only insignificant but trivial. So instead I will write advice that may only help some if any. [spoiler] [b][i][u]Enjoy the little things in life:[/u][/i][/b] I try to dwell on the good things no matter how small. Be it the the sound and smells of a rainstorm, the sun on you back, the cool sheets of your bed... Enjoy them. [b][i][u]Listen to the right music:[/u][/i][/b] I listen to music that calms me (ODST soundtrack) and music that uplifts me (EDM, Electro, other happy things) [b][i][u]Use your imagination:[/u][/i][/b] I let myself imagine entirely new worlds that I take part in, beautiful ones, exciting ones, interesting ones, and most of all... Happy worlds... (Helps if you listen to music) [b][i][u]Find a hobby you love:[/u][/i][/b] I love to play video games and build maps (Far Cry 3 has a superb editor) so I play games often. Another hobby for me is stories, be it writing or reading them I love it... Therefore I write a lot and read a lot! [b][i][u]Talk to people:[/u][/i][/b] Now this doesn't have to mean make new friends, but to go do something in society. Find a group of people you can hang out with (Clubs, rec teams, fantasy football leagues, game nights, colleagues, etc.). [b][i][u]Go out:[/u][/i][/b] This one is pretty simple, just go outside. Even if you stay in your yard, the outside world can make you feel much better. Although going into public helps. Just being surrounded by other people let's you not feel so alone, and you might even meet other people. [b][i][u]Ask your doctor:[/u][/i][/b] Some depression is very serious and actually does require medical attention, so ask your doctor what is right for you. Take into consideration how long you have been depressed and for what reason. Plus I'm just some random kid on the internet, always double check and talk to someone who knows what they are doing. [b][i][u]Vent:[/u][/i][/b] Find a place where you can dump you load safely. It may sound useless but just talking about it really helps. [/spoiler] Good luck guys
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6 RepliesThis thread made me cry.
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14 RepliesEdited by RomanGladiator7: 4/27/2014 12:35:06 PMI just want to be held by a woman and cuddle and kiss. I don't just want to get laid as I used to tell myself. I need comfort. Everyone else makes it look so easy. Like my good friend. His girlfriend came to him over a year ago. All he was doing was sitting at a dining hall and she came up to him. Makes me a little jealous. I've been trying since 2012 to find someone else. I spent so many nights alone and frustrated in my apartment. I used porn and masturbation as an escape to pleasure myself and trick myself that I felt good. It just made me more miserable and secluded. There were nights when I was so alone I just wanted to scream and cry. And I did cry and sobbed uncontrollably at times and the neighbors probably heard me. Can anyone relate?
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A new anonymous submission [spoiler] Started, roughly, 4 years ago. That was one of the worst times I've ever had. I was labeled as 'The Comforter'. That was literally the only reason anyone talked to me, school or home. I tried my hardest to keep people's spirits up, coz I absolutely understood everything they thought about. Doesn't help that January the next year I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I was completely ignored by almost everyone, unless they needed cheering up. I got my Xbox of March the same year, and still ignored. Even when using a headset, it was like I wasn't even in the fricking game. Crushingly lonely. No girlfriend, no friends, ignored by my family, never saw the one family member that actually liked me or ever noticed me. Schizophrenia was a blessing, because it meant something noticed that I existed, real or not. I can safely say I've come close to suicide multiple times over the last few years, as it felt like no one cared if I lived or died. Things have only started looking up in the past year. Found myself a guitar and I'm not as crushingly lonely as I was. I got close to suicide about a month ago, but things are finally looking up. There we have it flood. The short Version. [/spoiler]
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Edited by PyroPanda23: 9/29/2014 9:55:16 PMI was going to do this anonymously but it won't fit in the message. I don't want to go into my pass life and what all I've done. I'll just explain the life of a 23 year old police officer. And I love my career. But I want to just get a few things out there to show we are all human who do have feelings. Even a cop who is the one that actually has to wear a mask for a living. I have only been a cop for little over a year so I'm still a rookie You could say. And the life of a police officer in this day In age at my age is not a easy one and I'll explain this just incase some of you have thought about this career. Being 23 year old cop, relationships are very hard to keep. I work 12 hour night shifts, weekends and holidays. Most girls my age want to go out and party and do drugs so of course they don't want to date a cop and I don't want to date them either lol. Not to mention as a cop you are judged off the action of others. As soon as I tell someone I'm a cop they either automatic stop talking to me or hate me before ever actually getting to know me as the person I am. They just automatically think I'm some asshole with a badge. I don't even tell people I first meet that I'm a cop now; it's just a secret life kinda that only close friends and family know. Other things that make my relationships hard is the fact I have put a lot of people In jail and a lot of them are pretty much the scum of the earth and gang members and do to this I have habits that many officer have and it's all a safety things on and off duty. Such as I carry a gun 24/7, I sit with my back to the wall facing the entrance to every restaurant we eat out at, I try and stay out of windows, and I know the entrances and exits to the building. If I see someone I arrested I take my girlfriend or family away from that area. Why? Last thing I want is them being hurt for my actions. So far I haven't found the girl who can put up with all this and many other things I do cause that's only a small list. Some nights I can't sleep after work cause my mind is repeating things over and over of what happen or what I seen. Such as a child involved in a car accident or any child hurt badly in that matter, other officers hurt, a murder scene and other things. Or the worst yet, the smell of a burning body. You learn to develop a "dark humor" at work about it to brush it off and keep doing your job cause you have no time to let things like that bother you at work. But at home after you can relax while laying in bed, it all comes back. I usually play a game to clear my head lol but it can be a bet depressing and bothers me. But this is a 100% thankless job and I know if I died while doing my job people would say, " yay one less useless pig" and i accept that fate knowing most people won't give a shit. I picked this career cause I love to help people and want to make a difference and do good in this world full of so much bad. And I don't care about getting a thank you cause I did not join this career to be thanked or recognized. And that can be said about every other officer I work with. As I said people judge you as a whole in this career and hate me, why? Cause I have a Job to uphold the law? Well guess what there is laws I to disagree with but it's my job to uphold it. I did not make you break the law, you did that yourself. You think me writing you a ticket for speeding is a wast of my time? It's part of my job. But better yet, when you see the body of a dismantled child dead cause someone was speeding and something happened that was unexpected then that changes your output in speeding. I don't want to ever see that again. It might not be you being a bad driver but you speeding makes reacting to others harder. I write that ticket to not see that happen again. I just wanted to share that I wear a mask and pretend some things are alright until I get home. Yeah I got a little off topic on what this was about but I just went ahead and got other things off my chest lol. I do love my job no matter what people think and I'll keep doing it.
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3 RepliesWell i dropped my ice-cream cone once...
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1 ReplyI completely agree with this thread. If I could like it 10,000 times it would be an injustice to the thread.
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1 ReplyWell... If everyone else is doing it... So will I. Ever since I got my first school report back in first grade, showing straight A's, my mum has been super hard on me to get perfect marks at school. My dad was the same for a while, but he's now an alcoholic. My parents are separated due to my father -blam!- my mother several times one night, so I rarely see my father anymore. Because my super rich grandfather died, I had enough money for my mother to send me to a private school (I live in Australia, BTW). So, that started half way through grade one. But, throughout that grade, I only had one friend, a girl named Ebony. She was really smart and pretty, so the other kids made fun of us because a boy and a girl together back then was all "ooooh". Those were hard months, but I made it through. I was only 7 at the time, though. In grade 2, I made my first friend, "W". W was like a popular kid, but he didn't mind spending time with a lowly kid like myself. Until then, I was with Ebony all the time, but she got some other friends, and left me. I still don't blame her. In 3rd, W discovered girls. He spend his whole life that year, with girls. This was the start. I'm a sh*t-awful human, in the fact that I'm socially incapable. Talking to people is so hard, and starting conversations usually gave me nervous breakdowns. I was the "class nerd", and even the teachers picked on me for being nerdy. At grade 4, I started maturing. With this, came my unwanted friend, Depression. I learned all about sex, girl, drugs and death in that year. I started slitting my wrists because it made me feel something. I could finally see evidence of my own actions in the scars. In grade 5, the bullying really kicked off. I was shoved into lockers, kicked, cyberbullied and stuff at home from mum was painful too... At this point in life, I had no friends. And, at this stage, I started the phase of being attracted to girls. And, of course, the first girl to catch my eye was Ebony. In grade 6, I got to sit next to Ebony for the whole year. Looking back on it now, I actually do think she liked me. But, being socially incapable, I didn't make a move. Around this time, my beloved cat, Scooter, passed. He was the only sentient being that would listen to me talk. Mum was always off with some guy or drinking, I had no friends, and the teachers were cruel to me. That left Scooter. When he passed, I cried for several days, before attempting suicide. Well, I almost did, but I stopped. Because I realised that it didn't matter. If I died, no one would care. And so, I then slit my wrists, but harder. More often. Then, the agony of highschool. In 7th, a few new kids came to the school. Al bullies, much stronger than I am. I had no one. I was alone, and so I tried drowning myself, but I couldn't even do that. I was such a failure that even suicide didn't want me. After that, my grades finally took a hit. I went from an A student to a B student. Needless to say, I still have a few scars from when my mum saw that 76%. It was also in grade 7 that I discovered what was the first light of hope in a long time. I know people will hate on this, but my light in the dark was My Litttle Pony. I accepted the ideals and teachings of the episodes, and became a Brony. Still am to this day. I found that MLP would help me survive a little longer. By no means was I coping, but I was surviving by a thread. Eventually, I grew obsessed with MLP, (not telling anyone I was a brony though) and fell in love with the character Luna. It wasn't the creepy kind where the old guys lust over the ponies, but I fell for her personality. She was like me. Damaged beyond repair. The one no one liked. The sole embodiment of what people hated; The Darkness. And, even today, that's who I am. What I see myself as. The shadow in the light. Upon coming to 8th, I was easily at a new low. Suicide attempts stopped because I couldn't even kill myself well enough. MLP faded into the background, and I found that days at school were filled with me sitting at lunch, by myself. But, during one lunch time, I saw someone. A girl. And, at that moment, I thought I was dead, because that's the only way I could have seen an angel like her... I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to, so badly. I would buy special deodorants, just to see her reaction when she walked past me every day. She never commented once. But I didn't care. Then, one time, I was at school, and the girl (we'll call her "L") wanted to go through a door. One thing I've always believed in is being a gentleman, whether people are watching or not. So, knowing full well that she wouldn't notice, I held the door anyway. She stops. Turns. And thanks me, with the warmest smile I have ever seen. The evening, I can say I was truly happy. But, of course, as all things do, it ended poorly. She got a new friend, and then they would hang out in a place out-of-bounds to my year level. And then I slit my wrists, forcefully, cursing myself for falling for a girl one year older than me. One lunchtime, I sat in religion class, and I analysed the teacher. I realised that, despite what I thought, I could trust her. I began to slowly open up to her, because I was so desperate for help. But, tragically, she passed. I cried quite a bit that night. In the same year, a friend I made a little while back and myself were hanging out. Her name was "C", and oddly, I trusted her. But, to make a long story short, she was murdered before my eyes, and watched her die in my arms. That night, I was beaten by my mum for coming home late. I was done. Ready to just jump. And, so, I prepared to. Until another girl, named "N", long story short, got into contact with me. She heard about me, and then, the conversation came to the fact that she was going to kill herself. I wasn't going to let this happen. I essentially acted as her psychologist, and talked her out of it. And, since then, I have prevented 21 suicides, 14 acts of self-harm and boosted the self-esteem of 39 girls, 61 different times. I even helped 2 couples get together. But, as any psychologist could tell you, it's a task to handle all the sadness of other people, as well as my own severe depression. I gave up. Helping other people, giving them advice is all I had left in life. So, at the expense of my own health, I was, and still am prioritising other people, before myself. Always. And, I feel all the worse for it, depression-wise. Finally, we come to 9th. Present days. As a 15 year old, I have witnessed 3 deaths, 2 -blam!-s and 2 suicides. I have the most severe from of depression possible, and I'm helping other people, not myself. Because, either way, I'm useless. Throughout my assisting others, not once was I thanked. I've realised, it's just because they don't care. No one does. Recently, with my French class, we went for a week-long trip to New Caledonia. And, who might I find on the trip? None other than the angel from the past year. I got a few brief chances to talk to her, but I hardly remember what I said to her. I was too scared. So, now, here I am. On top of this 29 storey building. And after essentially telling my life story, I realise that jumping is best. Death. They say it's bad. I say it's relief from daily bashings from bullies. I say it's a way out of my mum's beatings. A way from the girl using me for their own purposes, at the cost of my own health. A way out of heartbreak. So, go ahead. Give me a reason why jumping right now is a bad idea. Thank you for reading.
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Why do you do this to me, Psy!? Why!?
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I feel like I would be relevant In this thread
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2 RepliesAnother submission, kept anonymous as requested. [spoiler]When i was younger, I went through some Very intense situations. I had always wanted to be one of the baddest dudes i worked with. I was a private contractor. And i Was a badass. I was put in with this company of men because my father was a higher up. But in his eyes, and everyones, i was the youngster who had to prove himself. And so i always volunteered for the most dangerous/ difficult situations. Put myself at the front of the violence and chaos. This went on for years. Me trying to prove myself to my elders and everyone i worked with i was capable of shouldering the burden. That i could function in such a chaotic environment. This was not the place for the faint of heart. I saw more violence and death than most can fathom. Before i knew it. I was getting older. I was no longer that guy kicking the door in, i was the one telling people where to go and what to do. Every time i came home. To the family events. Hanging out with friends. I never belonged. I was "tainted". I felt i did NOT belong here with all this "happiness" I was supposed to be in the shit. Where i belonged. My father once told me that the difference between me and him was that while i was " ballsy enough to kick a door in and kill someone. He was smarter because he would just cut a check" I once tried to talk to my mother. Her response was "If you cant handle it dont do it" She was right, but i HAD to prove myself. It was who i was. And prove myself i did. Over time i became depressed. When i was young, i thought for sure, i would be dead by them time i hit 21. Then it became id be dead by the time i was 25. I didnt belong in safety. The niceties of life were not for the likes of me. I belonged in the mud. The jungles. The chaos was where i thrived. That was where I, felt comfortable. I could not fit in at home. Noone could understand me. Thats what i always told myself. Noone could understand my path through life. The things I had done, I always tried to justify it. "People just live in their bubble world" while i lived in the "real" one. I didnt want to be alive. I was sick of being called a mercenary. Even my military friends couldnt reach me. I wanted to just enlist, go special forces, and die for my country. Because then my family would be able to be proud of me. I had a close friend commit suicide. Another died . And another. I was at the breaking point. I couldnt do this anymore. I took a year off from work. From life. I went to my families beach house. All i did was fish and row around. Relaxing. Completely unplugged. It took me that entire year to slow down my inner rage. To quiet the anger that was so defining of me. I had done things that most wont ever know or understand. But i came to peace with my journey through life. I got back into the business, with a condition that i no longer be involved in operations, and that i move into office side of things. While it is still a struggle sometimes. I no longer scream in my sleep. I actually SLEEP. more than 3-4 hours at a time as was my habit before this hiyatis. And Sleep, Is So AMAZING. And while many can never take that much time off work, i was fortunate to have made so much money leading up to my collapse i was able to do so. I got back into video games. Which were always a Disconnect for me. It allowed me to live in another world. Not mine. And i have to say, I love , getting my Nerd on. Im now soon to be engaged. Living life, Enjoying. Life. Because Life i realized, Is Amazing. Life is Always worth living. No matter how difficult it is in the moment, or has been. The future, is always there. On the Horizon for us to seize. So get out there, Live life. Because its the only one we get.[/spoiler]
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I feel as if I won't make my parents happy unless I become a lawyer but I really want to be involved with screenwriting and other areas of film. I know they care for me but I feel as if I can't be a creator of stories. Not only that I am pretty low on the social spectrum in the real world. Sometimes I'm in my backyard doing nothing but sitting there on my laptop. I feel like I need some support from one of my family members to achieve my goals, but they all don't really care. I just want them to say I believe in you but I can't even get that. So yeah, that made me feel a bit better.
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7 RepliesEdited by Psy: 4/26/2014 6:18:47 PMStory Section - 3 Story #7 [spoiler]In short, I was brought up to be Homophobic in every aspect. Anything remotely homosexual was frowned upon and anyone who had feelings for the same sex were f%#cked up/wrong/sick, etc. As I grew older, I started hating myself as I realized that I'm Bisexual. Well, for a long time it was denial. How could I be that messed up? How could I be one of those freaks? So I got pretty depressed. Attempted suicide a couple of times but couldn't pull it off. In short, I ended up falling in love and realized that the world wasn't as dark as it seemed. Then I came to terms with who I am a few months later and am probably only alive because of that girl I fell for.[/spoiler] Story #8 [spoiler]This is my depression story So about two years a friend of mine started dating this girl. When he first introduced me to her I remember thinking how beautiful she was. I didn't think much about her over the summer but when we got back to school I started getting to know her better and I loved everything about her. We would chat all the time on facebook, we'd help each other out with our problems and also have great laughs. We had so much in common. It wasn't long before I realised I was in love, but of course I couldn't do anything about it. At first I just felt a little bummed seeing them together but it got worse gradually. One time I just randomly broke down in front of all my friends and I was so embarrassed. That night I self harmed. I don't know why I fell for her so badly but I was so madly, desperately in love that I decided I couldn't take this any more. In January last year I ran away from home to a bridge and considered jumping. Obviously I couldn't so I returned home to find the police waiting for me. I was put onto a government list of young people at risk to themselves. A couple of months later I was brought down severely again when I accidentally let something personal about her slip. I told her out of guilt but I realised she didn't trust me any more and that night I cried myself to sleep. In March she started trying to distance herself from me and it was noticeable. I confronted her but she denied it, but I knew she was and I didn't know why, but it hurt so much as despite being the bane of my life she was also the only thing I had. We had a huge fight that ended with her telling me to get the -blam!- away from her so I did. A few weeks past and I started harbouring resentment and hatred for her, as I felt she has been really nasty to me. She broke up with my friend in April. Over the next 3 months I distanced from that friend and made new friends... ...only for her to start dating one of my new friends. I was so angry and hurt as I thought I had finally gotten rid of her but now she was coming back into my life. She kept trying to make up with me but I blanked her and intended to keep it that way, but in August she finally got through to me and we talked it out. So a week later that friend had a party and he was making out with her the whole time, which destroyed me as all my feelings for her came flooding back. I never stopped having feelings for her despite dating another girl briefly in November. So time passed, I fell out with her a lot but we were still friends but I was still madly in love with her. These feelings were emphasised as I fell out with her bf in January and my anger towards him created more jealousy and I felt for her even more. I tried to move school and also tried to kill myself again. Then out of the blue she started being nasty to me again, calling me names and making fun of me for having feelings for her, then she got her friend to send me more abuse over facebook. However soon she started trying to get back in touch with me and I knew now she was messing me around so I cut her, her bf and her friends out of my life and I am now happier. [/spoiler] Story #9 [Spoiler] My family moved around a lot. I always knew that any friends I made would have to be left, so I didn't bother. But we had a dog, and I got really attached to him. I never thought about death or the fact that I would outlive him. In hindsight I realize that getting that attached was a terrible idea. He began to get old. started forgetting that he could back up, so we always had to help him out of corners. He had a stroke, so we decided to put him down. I was the only one who had him as an only friend. I couldn't stop crying. Sometimes I still cry. I started eating a lot. Put on a lot of weight. Broke down daily. It was like that until very recently. I blamed myself. I thought that there had to have been something I could do to save him. I self harmed because of it. Whenever i was alone I would hit my head. I don't even know why I chose that. I probably gave myself multiple concussions, but never went to a doctor for it. I couldn't let anybody know. To everyone else it seemed like nothing had changed. they eventually began to notice me being angrier though. I get violently angry fast. I started a habit of chewing on my lip because it hurt and it made me bleed. I thought about suicide daily. I would scratch myself with my pocket knife, just to see how easy it was. I wouldn't draw blood because I was scared. Eventually my cousin died in a car crash. that made things even worse. I once again thought that if I had done something different or better she would have survived. She was in a different state, but I wasn't thinking about that. I began to hate myself. Every part of myself. My family got close to another family. I became friends one of them. His sister was very young, but got cancer. It was kind of worrying, but he got better. But then it came back. She died, and I blamed myself. Then nothing changed for a long time. Daily thoughts of how much happier others would be if I died. It was terrible. I eventually was ready. i wasn't even going to bother with a note, just do it and be done. I was just about to do it, when i just collapsed. I started crying, couldn't move at all. Nothing hurt anymore. I had dropped the knife and was just lying there. There was no cut on me. I couldn't figure out why nothing hurt anymore. I have to go. I'll finish it later. I couldn't figure out why nothing hurt anymore. I couldn't figure out why I was happy. I was supposed to be sad. I was a coward. I couldn't do it. But I no longer wanted to. I couldn't move at all for an hour. I could just breath. i started laughing. I couldn't help it. I was so happy without even having a reason. It hasn't been a whole year since then yet. I'm still not completely happy, but i don't blame myself. None of my friends have been able to match my dog, but I realize that I can't bring him back.[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyGuys, I'm so sick of this. I'm almost 17 and haven't been able to score a better job than a freaking cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every driving test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker seriously hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart, and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friendzoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all so much worse is that I live in a stupid pineapple under the sea.
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8 RepliesI don't really have a story about depression, because mainly my whole life has been filled with it, but I'll try and explain my chronic depression. Since first grade I've always felt alone, and have never been able to be a big social bug. Back then I was kind of that kid that people invited when they needed one more person for plans to work out, and kids often excluded me because I was weird or quiet. Third grade I met one of my best friends and blissfully enjoyed my life...until fifth grade when he ditched me for the popular kids. By fifth grade I had other friends in school and from my neighborhood, and I wasn't considered one of the odd kids anymore but people still mocked me for being weird, and found it easy to make fun of me thinking I would take it as a joke. I didn't. I found an old powerpoint slideshow I had made that year, and in it I made a slideshow of kids bullying me and me expressing hatred toward myself. I thought of myself as weird, annoying, ugly, and all other insults that were said maybe just once to me, but they stuck forever. Seventh grade was my best year since my friend group was solid and we hung out all the time. The next year all my friends excluded me and bullied me because I was going to a different high school than them, and yet again I was alone. I don't deal with loneliness well, and I contemplated suicide many times. I never would go through with it, but I always played scenarios in my head of what I would do and how people would react. High school was just as bad. Freshman year I felt extremely awkward, I had braces that I hated, and I just felt plain ugly. I had always hoped maybe sometime in the future I would become handsome, but it was just a hope. It took a while to get friends because I have always seen myself as uninteresting, unappealing, and straight up awkward. There wasn't a month freshman and sophomore year that I didn't want to kill myself. But I didn't because I hoped for the future. My life was miserable starting high school year simply because I felt so alone and unwanted. Junior year I had a solid group of guy friends and had some of the best times of my life up until we decided to join our group with a group of girls (we went to an all guy school and them an all girl school). All my guy friends started getting girlfriends and I felt miserable and alone yet again and I started giving up on trying in life. The thing that tipped the scale was one of the girls we met that I fell in love with at the spot started dating my friend and not me. One night before sleeping, one of my friend and I were lying in his basement with the lights off, just having a talk when he told me he really wanted me to be able to have a girlfriend. I told him that I really wanted one as well, because I felt alone and that I'm starting to lose the will to fight. I finally admitted that I had been behaving recklessly recently because I gave up on life and that I just completely hate everything about me. I didn't expect it and it completely caught me off guard, but my friend started crying and told me that I shouldn't give up. He didn't know that I had been thinking about suicide earlier in the night, but I stopped because of his care for me. My other friend dating that girl made me feel miserable for a while, but they broke up and I dated her and it was nice and sex and stuff. And here I am, at the end of my freshman year of college. Some of my closest friends are all gone away, and only two friends have been at home. One is always grounded or has to work, and the other became a grumpy and unpleasant person. I haven't dated a girl in two years, I haven't kissed a girl in one, and I commute to my college and live at home so making friends is nearly impossible. Recently I've been extremely alone again, and it's a familiar empty feeling that I always get. When I hang out with friends I still get the empty feeling, it's like I'm missing something in my life that is causing anxiety. That girl I dated is still good friends with me, but I'm one of her only friends and she's up at her college -blam!-ing dudes all the time and going out and having a good time and then coming to me to talk about it because it makes her feel bad doing that stuff and she has no one else to talk to. And she's my ex and we dated for a while so it kinda sucks ass. So as of now, I would say I'm depressed. I've come a long way since grade school and I've learned to be patient. My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year and my mom has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia since I was two so some family things have been a struggle. I'd say right now I feel alone and a little hopeless since my social life is almost null, but friends will be coming back in a few weeks so I might have some things to do. I just feel like I need someone who is dedicated to me, to make me feel like I matter and is interested in me and thinks of me when they wake up. I'd also like to clarify that people say I'm extremely magnetic in personality, I've had people have crushes on me, and I'm not socially awkward. I've always just had an innate disgust of myself and feel like no matter what I do I'll never be great, it's a hard feeling to express. Pic related, me taking a picture when I was depressed.
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Edited by A Saturnalia: 6/22/2014 6:07:56 PMI'll share a story. When I was about two years old my parents were fighting all the time, to the point where one of them would hit the other or punch a hole through the wall or throw things at each other. They decided to call it quits (well by they I mean my mother slept with my ex-stepfather in my fathers bed), they got a divorce later that year. We moved about a half hour away from my father and I hated every second of it, I hated my stepfather and I hated my mother for allowing (and sometimes joining in) him to verbally abuse me and my sister and physically assault me with belts, fists, knives, cigarettes, slapping, picking me up by the throat, throwing me across the room, beating me with wooden planks, throwing me off a dock even when I didn't know how to swim (learned really quickly). I wanted to move back in with my father (who was emotionally abusive) just to get away from the violence. Years went by until I finally told the friend of the court that I wanted to move back in with my father, so that's what I did, I packed up my stuff and left. The only problem was the weekend visits that I had to endure (which were made worse by the fact that I had broken my mothers heart and all that shit). Years went by like this until I turned 15, the physical abuse had died off about 6 years prior but the verbal abuse never ceased. I hated myself because of these words that were thrown at me all the time, I hated myself so much that I figured killing myself was the only way to go. I grabbed my stepfathers wallet and paid a guy to buy me booze. I downed the fifth with three packages of sleeping medication and laid on the ground waiting for the end. The blackness crept upon me and I could slowly feel myself closing into death. When I woke up in a pile of vomit and all the pills that I had taken all over the ground I felt nothing, I felt angry that it didn't end so I started cutting, I carved into my arm that day so violently that the blood was pouring off. My mother came home and found me, laying on the bathroom floor with blood and vomit all around, she rushed me to the hospital and I needed 10 stitches to hold it together. My mother blamed me slipping in the bathroom and hitting a vase (which apparently I had broken and used to carve myself), so I didn't have to go on suicide watch, they sent me home. The cutting felt fantastic so I continued to do it up until a year ago (24 now), when I told myself to stop and think of the children my wife and I plan on having, think of having to explain to them what all the scars on your body are from. Later that year, when I was 15 still, a month before my 16th birthday, my mother slept with another guy in my stepfather's bedroom and left him, left all of us (my sister and my half-sister) and ran to live with him and a few of her drug buddies at their house. My sister and my half-sister visited often, to the point where they were pretty much living there. I finally got the courage to finally go and visit, the day before my birthday. I got down there and things were fine, they had a few animals that I got to play with and a few computer games I had never played before. My mother took me to Meijer's (a store like Walmart) and told me to pick out a computer game for my birthday present. I was so excited that she was letting me pick out anything (she had never done anything of the sort before), they really didn't have anything that I wanted fully except for the Sims with a few DLC included. I picked out my gift and we went and checked out, I went home, installed it on their computer and played for a few hours before I went to bed. That night I heard a car leaving the driveway, not thinking anything of it I went back to sleep. When I woke up (I was teh first one awake) in the morning my mother and step-stepfather had disappeared. Abandoned my two sisters and me in a drug house 2 hours away from my father with nothing but our clothes and a letter saying "I'm sorry, can't stay here". I had seen a payphone in that Meijer's so I walked 5 miles with the little bit of change that I had to that payphone and called my father. I then had to walk back and explain to my sisters what was going to happen. There is nothing in this world that I wish I could take back then seeing my 8 year old sister change that day, seeing her bawl until there weren't any tears coming out, seeing that hatred form in her eyes, seeing her innocence and demenor die that day. We never forgot what happened, we never will, I grew more and more depressed by it I get sever Anxiety around new people and crowds and I developed Manic depression as a cause of all of it, my sister who was 14 at the time turned to alcohol and drugs to deal with the pain, my 8 year old sister turned to video games as a coping device, she's in high school now but she's still the same person as that person I saw, she never got to be a kid, she's booksmart but I feel like she's going to be taken advantage of by some boy/man because she's still that 8 year old who only knows pain. The link is a picture of my step-step father to validate this story I guess. There are also numerous other stories I could tell but I think 2 of them is long enough.
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Note to self: Don't leave the spoilers open in this thread, it makes the thread way to long. As some general tips to people that suffer with this. 1) Cut out anything in your life that brings sadness, friends, games, ect ect 2) Give yourself something to look forward to in life. If you know what you want as a job later in life, learn all about that you can. Plan for life later, things you may want to buy later in life, boat, house, car, ect ect. This gives you something to look forward too. 3) Do physical activity, weightlifting, sports, anything outside, do physical activity. It releases hormones and things to make you happy, it also releases stress. Even if you suck at a sport, so what? There is a group of people in my city that play soccer everyday at the fields, and some of them are worse then 5 year old kids. But it doesn't matter, they are being active and having fun. 4) Don't give a -blam!- about what others think. So what if someone said something bad about you on the internet? They don't know you, you don't know them, so why does it matter? 5) Grow a garden. I swear it's not as stupid as it sounds. It gives you something to care about, and grow, and gives rewards for you to enjoy. And if it dies, nothing significant is hurt like an animal. Go grow a tomato plant, or a cucumber plant. 6) Eat healthy, drink water. That's literally all I drink, water. Eat fruits daily, cheeses, things that are healthy for you, it helps your body feel better.
