EDIT: I feel better now that I've gotten that out, thanks for responding, they either made me laugh or helped me get more comfortable. So, I'm still fairly new to #offtopic, I've been lurking and replying for a bit now, but I'm gonna make a thread today to kinda vent, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch right now... this is probably gonna be a long post, so get out the popcorn and amateur psychology couch... NOTICE: If you are homophobic, I highly recommend you leave now... So, first, a little rewind... I'm bisexual, I came out to my friends early 2013, shortly after, a friend (We had met online on Xbox live through real life friends we both had some time before I realized I was bi.) and I started getting really close, eventually he told me he was bi as well, but his family would never approve of it, and he didn't want anyone to know, so we started to flirt in private chat and the like, eventually I went over to his house and we hung out some, did some standard guy stuff, shot some guns, played some videogames together, and then he started rubbing my thigh, and then we had some oral sex (Funny story, while he was down on me, his little brother knocked on the door and the lock somehow disengaged, so we had to quickly disentangle ourselves, and I'm just sitting there with my shirt thrown over my dick, good thing it was dark so he couldn't see me holding my shirt down over it or the fact that I was probably blushing like mad.) Shortly afterwards, we started seeing each other every so often, unfortunately, he was always busy with his family sending him around all the time (Plus apparently they didn't trust me and thought I was gay. To be fair, they were at least half right), so I didn't get to see him often, but we played videogames online and texted each other every day, it always made me so happy when I got to see him, and I was devastated when I couldn't... It was kinda hard on me, and I wanted to spend more time with him, sometimes I got mad at him and felt neglected, but I understood the problems that would arise if his parents found out (Christian, conservative, dad used to be a Marine Corps Sharpshooter and could probably rip me in half.) In September, he left for a military type academy (Voluntarily, he's not some juvie delinquent, he just wanted to try a military lifestyle, also, see above note regarding his father's background) to finish getting his HS level diploma, so we wrote letters to each other frequently, he came back for Christmas break, and we got to spend a little bit of a day together, before he went back to the academy, so we went back to writing letters again until he got out in March, by the end of the exchange I had a very large stack of letters from him that I held onto. I was very happy to have him back after so long, it was still difficult to pry him away from his family, they were so nosy... but we got to spend time every so often, we met up at the park/nature reserve a couple times and went running together, which devolved into walking and holding hands once nobody was around, which devolved into him carrying me for a bit, and then we settled down next to a creek a good distance into the forest, and sat and enjoyed nature for a bit. (Ok, there might have been some sex involved, too... ) Things were finally working out well for me, I had found my place and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him, and then... I'm not sure what happened... things were fine for a bit, but I always got extremely stressed out, working my shitty job, and not ever getting to see him, I'd slip in and out of depression, rage, and suicidal thoughts... we'd have arguments via text because I was upset and paranoid about never getting to see him, jealous and concerned that he might not care about me as much as I cared about him.. then... in June, he came over to my house as we had in the past quite a few times, and we had an overall good visit the first half, then we got into a fairly minor fight, and he left me after a long awkward silence... I know I can be selfish sometimes, but I don't think I deserve the treatment I got from here on out... We stopped talking to each other for two months, he'd abandoned me, and I was so mad at him for it, I was sad because he didn't care about me, I was upset because I couldn't see where my life was going... so we lapsed into a cold radio silence, on all modes of communication... I missed him, I missed playing Battlefield and Halo together, I missed running in the park way earlier than I usually get up. My friends at work told me to forget about him, that he was a douche and I was better off, and part of me agreed with them, part of me hated him and wanted nothing else to do with him... but part... part of me just wanted him to hold me close... I couldn't even cry anymore... I felt so used and abandoned, like I never meant a shit to him or anyone else, I'm just left hanging... every time my phone would vibrate, I'd hope it was him... Until about a half month ago... I sent him back all his letters from military school, and after a while he texted me and we started talking again, I had missed communicating with him so much, and for a few days, things were going back to normal, I wanted us to meet up and try to forgive each other. But clearly, he wanted to be an insensitive douche again, despite his insistence to the contrary, so I lapsed into silence again for a couple days... today I texted him... and I guess that's it, it's over... after all the time I waited on him, all the times I just wanted to make him happy... It's all over... I'm alone again, but this time, there's no tomorrow to look forward to seeing him... I regret ever falling in love and caring for him, and trying to make up with him against my friends advice, I was wrong... and now I'm alone again... I'm sorry, I know most of you probably don't care... I mean, after all, this is my first topic post here... but I just wanted to get it out... I'm glad I can finally cry again... have you ever wanted to cry, but nothing came out? You just feel your heart breaking inside, and you can't do shit about it... If you read it all, thanks... If you have any advice or supportive comments, thanks again...