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Destiny

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originally posted in:Sol Guardians
9/10/2014 2:31:23 PM
11

Ocba Presents Planethopper's Guide to (Un)Intelligent Life

[b]Greetings Sol Guardian Members! (And all you who see this through your General feed)[/b] I am here to teach you all the things you need to know to transverse the our Sol-ar System and to deal with all the manner of vicious, deadly, eatable monstrosities that have invaded our sector. With this Guide, you'll always know where your towel is, what weaponry to use, and the best way to survive. Leave those electronic watches at home, we need your full attention. And don't mind the mice, they are my assistants and are far more intelligent than you. To start off, I will give you the first entry to this fantastic guide with our first Unintelligent species: [u][b]Guardians[/b][/u]: [i]Mostly Harmless[/i].

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  • [u][b]Vandals[/b][/u]: [i]"One time, we gave an Old-World IQ test to a lunar rock, a pulse rifle, and a Vandal. The rock got a 7, the rifle received a 23, but the Vandal scored -4." -Lord Shaxx If you were ever to be killed by stupidity, it will probably be because a Vandal was shooting at you. These guys are big, dumb, and often thought Servitor Amabo was doing an amazing job. As perceived by the vast ignorance, they like to act big and tough and boss those more intelligent (I.E. Dregs) to do the work they think is below them. If we threw one into the Total Perspective Vortex, we'd hypothesize that it'd not only survive, but also steal the fairy cake. As for combat capabilities, there are three variations a Vandal chooses to follow: 1. Squad Bossing. Because of a Vandal's vast intelligence (that's sarcasm, by the way), the ones you will see often are the angry, in-your-face, commander of a group of Dregs. Their aim is so horrid, so each is equipped with a wave-pulse rifle that spews homing missiles. That way they'd actually hit you. 2. Stealthy Snipers. The most intelligent of them, IQ of maybe 8, will pop on a cloaking device and grab a fusion rifle. Unfortunately, they never realize that the charging of the gun is completely visible to those they're aiming at, so they'd only hit the unaware or the pre-occupied. 3. Invisible Assassins. The least intelligent of the Vandals grab a few swords and run at you under the invisibility. At first it sounds like a good idea, but they fail to realize that rapid movement with stealth just makes you a visible lantern. Running into light doesn't deflect it as quickly as light hitting you. The smartest thing they do is attack in groups, the order of running in is determined with a quick game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.[/i]

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