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This thread is inspired by another: view original post
Edited by Kylestien:
9/18/2014 2:43:18 PM
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Destiny News! (Parody of Destiny Stuffs, feel free to join in!)
Hello, this is Kylestien of Destiny News! In today's news:
Master Rahool: Cryptarch or Scammer?
Hive Prince goes on record, laments loss of priceless relic
Cabal declare war on Vex
And House Of Exile lobby for official Fallen House Status
Master Rahool: Cryptarch of Scammer?
In the headlines of todays news, guardians of all shapes and sizes are complaining that Master Rahool, the resident Cryptarch, is trading low grade items for high quality engrams. Several others have reported getting the wrong type of armor, with one Hunter in particular being mad about getting a Warlock cloak. Master Rahool has yet to comment.
Hive Prince goes on record, Laments loss of Priceless Relic.
One of the remaining Swarm Princes Of The Hive has gone on record lamenting the loss of The Sword of Crota, a priceless Hive Artifact. Said to have killed thousands of guardians and weilded by the horrifying warrior Crota himself, the sword was destroyed when a unnamed Guardian stole it anc used it to kill 3 Swarm Princes. The Guardian remains at large.
Cabal declare war on Vex
Cabal Commander Valus Ta'aurc has officially announced that The Cabal have declared total war upon The Vex. When asked for a statement, he said "FOR THE CABAL, WAR IS A WAY OF LIFE. WE SHALL WAGE IT ON YOUR SPECIES IN TIME, BUT FOR NOW THE VEX PROVE A GRATER CHALLENGE! THEY SHALL NOT HAVE MARS!" upon which he shot the reporter dead. We got a response from The Vex, but we cannot translate it.
House of Exile lobby for Official Fallen House Status
In a surprising move of Fallen Politics, The Fallen House of Exile, known for holding the remments banished from other Houses, have attempted to gain official House Status. The Fallen Houses Of Devil's and Kings reject the movement, but in a surprising twist they may have support from The Fallen House Of Winter coming their way. The Winter Kell Draksis, has one on record saying he finds the House of Exiles exploits "interesting and worthy of note."
That's all for now, stay tuned for more.
English
#Destiny
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THIS JUST IN!!! Field reporter AdamHBomb21 has just sighted what seems to be a network issue, although we cant transmit all of what he had to say because he was and I quote, "About to rage quit this &$^#& #&#*@ #&*##* #&*peanut butter )#)$**#(Baboon(**&*)" Apparently he was having a hard time. Well that's it for me here folks. Stay Safe out there Guardians, for the server is cheap and full of errors.
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3 RepliesBreaking News! This news establishment is going out of business. We solomnly want to bring you guardians the stories you deserve to hear, but that's just the problem. There is no story to be told. Currently all we have are bits, and pieces. Whilst might be good for some, a news organization cannot survive off that. So, with heavy hearts we leave you with these wise words from Golden Age philosopher, Jaden Smith.
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BREAKING NEWS: Cryptarh giving away gifts? It is rumored by unknown sources that The Cryptarch may be more generous then it was at first thought. Eyewitness reports claim that Master Rahool, the current Cryptarch of the tower, has been seen leaving Giftwrapped Purple Engrams around the Cosmodrone, presumably in a case of Christmas Spirit. Whether this is truly a gift or another trick by the Cryptarch, who is also rumored to collude with the mysterious Xur on some matters and is known to have a mischievous at best and sadistic at worst sense of humor, remains to be seen.
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BREAKING NEWS: Crota Slain In a tragic tale for the Hive, The Warrior Lord Crota, Son Of Oryx, was found dead last night, ran through with a sword belonging to one of his own. It is believed that a sole guardian committed this foul deed. Crota, known for his takeover of the moon, was resting on his throne when said guardian broke in and did this. Oryx has sworn vengeance for his fallen son, and has gone on record as saying "the starways shall be bathed in humanity's blood." More at 11.
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2 RepliesBREAKING NEWS: 6 Guardians enter Vault Of Glass, come out insane 10 hours later. In s stunning twist, 6 Guardians entered the Vault of Glass intending to take the treasures within. 11 hours later, they were recovered on the Vault's step. All 6 seems to have gone insane from a combination of whatever they saw and sleep deprivation, with one manically laughing about how the Gorgons see all, 3 saying "Atheon is death incarnate!" and the remaining two just rocking in place. The guardians in question have been sent to the tower Psychologist and are expected to recover in 6 months.
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Edited by ApakFaisal84: 9/21/2014 7:45:24 AMWar Reporter Apak here. News from the Hive Collective Citizens Under Pressure (HICCUP), a Hive watch group for the collective on the Moon, filed a lawsuit to the Tower Administrative Office accusing the Speaker of allowing a group of Guardians to fire rockets and fusion beam at the Temple of Crota main entrance over and over again, unprovoked. The alleged assault has caused the management of the Temple millions of glimmers for door replacement, since the doors have to be custom made and shipped from the Hive system back in Nebula M78. The representative of the Speaker released a statement that the group of Guardians were on a lead in an investigation about a missing Guardian, though denied on commenting why the investigation involved firing munitions to a religious building. More on this news later this evening. Have a nice day.
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BREAKING NEWS: Xur and Rahool in cahoots! In a shocking peice of news for all industry, it has been discovered that Xur, Agent Of The Nine, and Master Rahool, the Cryptarch, have forged a horrifying scam. Rahool has been taking the exotic items from Legendary Engrams and providing them to Xur for unknown items while Xur has been selling the Items for Strange Coins, again for unknown reasons. Both refuses to comment.
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Edited by TowerGuardian: 9/18/2014 11:25:26 PMHive leaders are blaming the Tower for recent bouts of Guardian violence in Old Russia, saying: 'They're [Tower] supporting rouge groups of separatist Guardians who terrorise and provoke the residents of Old Russia, they [guardians] have been given a green card to bring instability to the area, we are fighting a common enemy, we should be working together to wipe the Fallen scum from the face of the planets.' Tower representative Lord Shaxx has dismissed these comments from the Hive calling them 'Utter nonsense', claiming the statements are typical propaganda dished out by an extremist group with sinister intentions. He also announced he would be pulling several hundred Guardians, currently on Crucible duty, from the front line to place on standby. He refused to comment on further potential of boots on the ground. We're still waiting to hear word from the Vanguard or any of the independent factions within the Tower, though we expect statements soon. The Speaker is also very quiet on the matter, refusing to comment while attending a charity soccer game in the Tower gardens on Wednesday.
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Anyone got any more? I'd make some but I'm out for now.
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On the lighter side of the news, some new Guardians got their wires crossed when told about a great "farming" spot in Old Russia. They were found by several other Guardians planting vegetables outside a small cave. When asked what they were doing the responded, "We're trying to plants some turnips but these damn Fallen keep running out of the cave kicking up our seeds and dropping these stupid colored orbs.". They were laughed off the scene and could not be reached for comment. Back to you Kylestien.
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3 RepliesBro. We know them covenant ain't got no politickys aside from whose is bigger. fkrs.
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Edited by thunderthighs: 9/20/2014 3:44:14 AMField reporter thunder here Guardians have reported a very strong cabal presence on Mars. They were just brought back by there ghosts because not ten seconds later a hunter wiped every single one of them and the new guardians said " we helped by weakening them" are the new guardians up to par or are they lazy slackers back to you kylestein
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Edited by ScytheNL: 9/18/2014 9:00:17 PMField reporter Scythe here, with some fresh news right out of the wilderness. It seems strange things have been going on in a cave in Old Russia. The reports that are coming in are chaotic, but include: - Fireteams shooting at the seemingly empty cave - Fallen and Hive fighting each other over and over in that same spot - Guardians dancing inside the cave or sitting at the entrance while other fireteams seem to be very mad at them - Multiple people and even entire fireteams being crushed by Warsat's crashing down What does it mean? We don't know yet. Is it a cult? Does the cave contain toxic fumes that make people go mad? And what is attracting the Warsat's? Vanguard's EXO Overseer Howeii 5-0 is planning to send an elite fireteam to do a strike on the cave. "We don't know what we will be up against, so we will be sending a Hunter,a Titan and a Warlock, all level 30 with legendary gear" Howeii 5-0 says. "Being the dangerous mission that this could be, the Guardians are of course all volunteers, and they get to keep any Legendary engrams they might find". When asked why any Guardian would partake in such a dangerous endeavour only to have their engrams turned into blue gear, Howeii 5-0 replied: "no comment". I will report more as this story unfolds. Scythe out.
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Breaking News!!!!! Xur has screwed the Warlocks selling the exact same Gauntlets as last week. Warlocks all over the Tower are rioting due to the lack of variety and discrimination against them.
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In other news, the famous hacker group "Anonymous Light" has revealed that the last known remaining warmind Rasputin has been deliberately forcing Golden Age warsats to break orbit and crash on various planets. Whats surprising to hear is that the warmind has been actively targeting Gaurdians, trying to crash the warsats on their heads. Many reports have confirmed increased deaths due to warsat collisions. What's odd about the report from Anonymous Light is that everytime a Guardian is killed, the same message is broadcast to the Vex as follows: "TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL". Nobody has been able to decrypt this message but we can only assume at this point Rasputin is working with the Vex to destroy the Traveller and the Guardians. Until this mystery is solved the Vanguard is asking everybody travelling outside the city to keep an eye on the sky and to wear a helmet. This is Saans Shadow with the morning news, now back to Chopper Dave, your eye in the sky, for the morning traffic report.
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Shocking news coming in this evening as we report an uncovered assassination plot against Master Rahool, the Tower Cryparch. In the wake of the scandel that rocked the Tower involving Master Rahool hoarding Legendary and Exotic engrams, several Guardians were taken into custody today as a plot to assassinate Master Rahool was uncovered by the TSF, Tower Security Forces. The Guardians in question are going to be detained for an undetermined amount of time as this level of crime in the Tower is unheard of. While crimes of this nature do happen in the city, citizens have voiced their anger. Some saying that they are merely disappointed in the behavior of the Guardians, others saying Rahool deserves punishment for his crimes against the Guardians, and that it would be fitting for them to carry out his punishment. The TSF had this to say, "These Guardians the are victims, not the perpetrators in this crime. These men and women risk there lives on a daily basis. They trusted this man [Rahool] to decrypt the engrams from their daily exploits into the areas outside of the city, Earth and beyond, and what they got in return was substandard equipment and grief. While these particular Guardians did respond in an extreme manor, we are dedicated to helping them recover from their psychological trauma. Due to this mans [Rahool] scams, many fireteam leaders have reported a drop in trust amongst teammates, resulting in a greater loss of life." The TSF is providing counseling services to any Guardian who is experiencing trust issues after the Cryptarch Scandel. We here at Destiny News would like to let all our Guardians, out in the field and here in the city, know that we still trust you and appreciate everything you do, not only for us but for all mankind. This is Saans Shadow with Destiny News wishing you a good night!
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Reports are coming in that several groups of separatist Guardians have taken to the wastelands of the Cosmodrome, in protest over recent allegations of excessive force and mass killings of Hive nomads in the region. It is understood that these protests have been relatively peaceful so far, though eye witnesses describe use of various expletive insults and gestures being thrown around. Tension has been rising in recent days on the back of the alleged attacks on the caves inhabited by the nomad groups of Hive citizens. The rebel Guardians insist they are carrying out supply missions and fulfilling the wishes of the Light. While the Speaker has yet to make a statement over the issue, it would appear there is little in the way of disapproval from his camp. An image has been leaked online by a Guardian claiming to be a Hive sympathiser which shows a large number of light orbs scattered across the ground, suggesting large numbers of fatalities. [url]http://tinyurl.com/o6gk7tk[/url] We will keep you updated with anything new to come of this.
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1 ReplyI love this news site! I gave you a like on your Spacebook page.
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I like potatos
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is there anybody else having trouble staying online in destiny cuz I cant stay online more than a hour for some reason
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Holy CRAP!!! More breaking news: Weather reports reveal Hive tombships unable to go into slip-space and crashing into the walls of their buildings. We have one reporter out in the field at this moment asking the Speaker what this is all about. Hello? Hello Tower Guardian? "Yes hello Decaf, I'm here in the Tower North with the Speaker behind me. Sir would you answer a few questions concerning the recent slip-space accident? The Speaker is still silent after his talk with the Guardian who destroyed the Sword of Crota. We'll have to wait and see. Tower Guardian out." Thank you Tower. We'll catch you back after the break. [b]NEXT: DECAF INFORMS YOU ON MORE BREAKING NEWS.[/b]
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Reports say that the Vanguard Quartermaster is pulling the biggest scam yet! He was caught weakening auto rifles and shotguns, while keeping the attack listing the same. All of the Glimmer you spent on "The best weapons" were all a waste! The Vanguard Quartermaster is making excuses to get out of the situation. More on this tomorrow. Good night!
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9 RepliesBetter than the games story.
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Hot holy crota, more news comin' in! The Gods of the universe are comin' in to fight other guardians! Guardians who defeat them will get a special sticker. We asked what the last Hive prince thought of this whole ordeal, and he said that if the gods were watchin', why did they let the Guardians destroy his sword? He said later that he hopes that none of the guardians win and that the Gods go throw 'emselves in the Darkness. More on this at 6:00.
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5 Replies[quote]the sword was destroyed when a unnamed Guardian stole it anc used it to kill 3 Swarm Princes. The Guardian remains at large.[/quote] Alright, I'm famous!
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This is amazing! I cannot wait to see more. You're the John Oliver of Destiny!
