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originally posted in:Sol Guardians
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9/10/2014 2:31:23 PM
11
Ocba Presents Planethopper's Guide to (Un)Intelligent Life
[b]Greetings Sol Guardian Members! (And all you who see this through your General feed)[/b]
I am here to teach you all the things you need to know to transverse the our Sol-ar System and to deal with all the manner of vicious, deadly, eatable monstrosities that have invaded our sector. With this Guide, you'll always know where your towel is, what weaponry to use, and the best way to survive. Leave those electronic watches at home, we need your full attention. And don't mind the mice, they are my assistants and are far more intelligent than you.
To start off, I will give you the first entry to this fantastic guide with our first Unintelligent species:
[u][b]Guardians[/b][/u]: [i]Mostly Harmless[/i].
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[u][b]Captains[/b][/u]: [i]Never underestimate the Fallen. Especially when they have Arch shields and teleportation abilities. Captains are like your average minimum-wage workers who somehow ended up in charge by means of many unfortunate events to their superiors. Now they are the reluctant superiors and its their turn for an unfortunate event. Most captains suffer from Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No vandal has ever strived to become a captain. In-fact, captains are the most unmotivated Fallen of them all. Most of the time they just keep asking 'Why?' Why did I become a Captain? Why do I have to boss around these idiots? Why must I wear this heavy armor? Why am I not asleep right now? Why are there humans attacking my men? Why can't my gun ever hit them? Why are they shooting me in the face? Why am I dead? Captains are always the same. They carry the same shotgun-rocket-launcher that can be easily side-stepped. They'll slice you with their long sword in melee range, and they'll hide the second their shield is broken. They are simply annoyances that can kill you. Thanks to the ungainly armor they must wear, they have quite a large head. If you want to dispatch one quick, you know where to aim (or at least I hope you do). Trust me, you'll be doing them a favor. They want to be fighting you no more than you want to be fighting them.[/i]
