Caution! You are about to enter the darkness zone. Our coverage tonight follows the ongoing '#bringbackthecave' genocide push by radicalized guardians, as well as shocking recent developments in the erratic- cryptarch fecal fiasco. I'm sure you've all heard about his earlier breakdown at the tower, but rest assured, he has been put back on his medicine by the warlock vanguard and given a full metal jacket message. We all know how frustrating the Cryptarch can be, but it seems as though guardians, actually, brought about their own form of change. Just listen to this. Eyewitness reports claim they heard the cryptarch shouting obscenities towards groups of gaurdians during his union smoke break, and shortly there after, covered himself in excrement. He then, lit himself on fire and 'robbed guardians of their rightful gear' by only converting engrams to 'white or green' all while dancing. The cryptarch signed 'Wu-Tang' before being subdued by angry titans and taken in to custody for a brief time. Investigators later found his safe had been tampered with and discovered illegal cartons of Cabalin Royals. Preliminary forensic evidence found tampering with the contraband- a foreign chemical compound with similar effects to PCP. He denied having any knowledge of the illicit substance, but found it hard to explain: 'sucka fresh! blue calla hustla stepin on purp movin yo exos handin out white like motha B! Yall dont own me! ima set fire to yo mothaf***in tree! IM RICH BIAATCH' Scrawled in his own excrement across cartons of Cabalin Royals. We asked Xur if he had anything to do with the matter, but he denied to comment directly, and then at all. He just said, "I might not be here when you come back." Since this is not Star Wars, we can only assume- he is definitely the Cabalin Royal smuggler we're looking for. While the sanctions against importing non-military products from Mars are still tightly enforced- local authorities have made a statement, effectively postponing any sentence and having the Cryptarch put on immediate probation. "For the safety of the city- we cannot risk riots in light of the great engram scandal of September. Not to mention the countless guardians, already armed to the teeth, pissed about the speaker stepping in to stop the genocide they wanted in the Cosmodrome." In other news, some locals around caves have alleged Xür may have used revenue from the Cryptarch's engrams to obtain the illegal Cabalin imports. Further enraging flamers who believe they're entitled to what they want from random engrams. Just another example of misguided guardians that slept through their probability courses in basic training. However those claims have been dismissed by the Speaker, as they are from members of a cult led by the elusive rogue commander Nixon. A little reminder for folks who don't know, believing they could reclaim Earth, they staged large scale carpet bombing campaigns in secret around Russia, [b]they are the reason Earth has so little to do. Hive strongholds were decimated leaving only the caves. [/b] These are the guardians responsible for genocide. The speaker warns about their intentions and abnormal behavior saying, "you can't trust a cult member that might pop a Bin Ladin in the raid cave and 'chimpanzee' you for fun." The speakers words may be misinterpreted, but the message is clear. Don't trust Tricky Dick Nick. Rasputin doesn't lie, the proof is in the jar. And the final word: when you ask yourself who the bigger man of this fight is- who fought the darkness and won- side with black dynamite, can ya dig it? This is Papa Bear at the Big Onion, the peoples choice for no-spin Traveler news.