JavaScript is required to use Bungie.net

Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.
10/16/2014 3:33:33 PM
68

Tower News: Crucible Bribes

Ever since the[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/71883476] Cryptarch's Engram scandal[/url] was uncovered, Guardians have been leery about the dealings of Tower Officials. A recent discovery this week confirmed that their suspicions were well-founded. "Lord Shaxx was too busy rooting for both sides of a crucible match to comment," a recent Tower News article read. As it turns out, The Crucible Handler really[i] was[/i] rooting for both sides. Every time a guardian competes in the Crucible wearing a faction emblem, they gain reputation for that faction. The more popular a faction is, the easier it is for them to press their political agendas in the City. In short, Guardians join and fight for their faction in exchange for Legendary gear, and the faction in turn gains ground in City politics. Sometime in September, Arach Jalaal, the Dead Orbit faction representative, offered monetary incentives to Lord Shaxx to rig Crucible matches in his faction's favor. It is not the first time Jalaal has broken rules in the name of Dead Orbit's “great project.” Lord Shaxx agreed to the arrangement, and secretly cut deals with the other two factions. Once they had all agreed to pay him to rig the matches, Lord Shaxx made sure that Guardians from every faction were on both teams in Crucible matches. That way, no matter who won, Lord Shaxx would be rewarded by every faction in the tower and be sun bathing in Old Cancun in no time. To make matters worse, Guardians gain reputation based on overall performance, which means that the bloodier the battle, the fatter the paycheck for Lord Shaxx. This fact partially explains Shaxx’s orgasmic enthusiasm for blood baths. “Show them the true meaning of war!” he says. “Show no mercy! You fight to win, Guardian! Haha! You're crushing them; send them home crying!” "Lord Shaxx's duty is to give guardians the skills they need to push back the darkness," The Speaker said when asked to comment on the subject. "It doesn't matter to me whether Shaxx is making a little money on the side doing it. The Tower is not discussing pressing charges at this time." Regardless of official charges, Shaxx defends his actions, saying that he gladly redistributes his wealth at the end of each match by rewarding the worst players on each team. Apparently there is method to his madness, as these players are then better equipped to murder each other to pay Shaxx's bills. He was silent about the other rumors of his monetary generosity. The riotous[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72810459] raves in the Tower Hangar Night Club[/url] have been attributed to him by many of the guests. Some of the cryptarchs, who are well-versed in Earth's history, have taken to calling him "The Great Shaxxby," both because of the parties as well as the questionable manner in which they are supposed to be funded. While Tower News cannot confirm reports that the Crucible Handler is behind the raves, the Exotic fur shoulder pieces he reps seem to point to an increase in wealth. However, it should be noted that there are other, more plausible explanations of how he got his wardrobe. Some claim Lord Shaxx was sent through a Vex time gate while soloing the Vault of Glass. He found himself in the Ice Age without a weapon, so he strangled a woolly mammoth with his bare hands and took its scrotum as a trophy. The legend goes that he then returned to the vault and killed Aetheon single-handedly - without pushing him off the edge. The Speaker's lax stance on the issue of the Crucible scandal has led to accusations of his own involvement in the affair. New Monarchy claims he encouraged Shaxx to prevent factions from gaining ground on each other by making them gain reputation at the same rate. "The Speaker can easily keep his office if there are no factions popular enough to threaten his overthrow," the New Monarchy Tower rep said. Lakshmi-2, the Future War Cult's bloody-minded representative, was much more forgiving of Shaxx's questionable practices. "We've got to be ready to band together regardless of faction or race or class and fight the Darkness with all we have," she said. "Shaxx helps us be ready to do just that. Plus, the extra money has allowed Shaxxy to spend more time with his admirers…what? No, I’m not blushing. Those are my pink facial highlights.” We interviewed Lord Shaxx and asked him to comment on the Dead Orbit deal that started it all. "Dead Orbit's not in charge of the Crucible," he said forcefully. "I am." A decision to remove Lord Shaxx from his position would likely be disastrous for Tower security personnel. Shaxx, who describes himself as "an ass-whoopin' incarnate" replied to threats to remove him from the Tower by placing his massive hands on his hips and saying: "You want the crucible? I am the Crucible!" While it is unclear what this actually means, we felt it was best to conclude the interview before anyone was seriously injured. Lord Shaxx is currently still in charge of the Crucible, and is actually still receiving bribes from all three factions. It seems they are too intimidated by him to withdraw their funding. It is unclear whether or not their money will appease him [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Profile/254/6951602]JurgenBlitz[/url], a resident Titan, was the first to inform Tower News of this issue. Tune in to #TowerNews for more news updates from #SamboBaggins91

Posting in language:

 

Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • [quote]Lakshmi-2, the Future War Cult's bloody-minded representative, was much more forgiving of Shaxx's questionable practices. "We've got to be ready to band together regardless of faction or race or class and fight the Darkness with all we have," she said. "Shaxx helps us be ready to do just that. Plus, the extra money has allowed Shaxxy to spend more time with his admirers…what? No, I’m not blushing. Those are my pink facial highlights.”[/quote]the hidden things in these get better every time.

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • The great Shaxxby throws the best parties!

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • the People, Awoken, and Exos for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PAEETA) are asking you all to sign a petition to require Shaxx to remove his fur shoulder covers and donate them to the cryptarchs to study in hope of cloning the DNA and bring back at least a blue or better animal( no greens please!)

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

    3 Replies
    • WOW! Absolutely glad I clicked and read! This was some great work and a total fun read! I wouldn't mind if we had a bulletin board such as the one next to the bounty robot where we click and read stuff of this nature!!

      Posting in language:

       

      Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

    • 0
      This is so funny I love reading these

      Posting in language:

       

      Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

    • How dare you accuse Arach Jalaal of bribery, this is clearly a baseless accusation. It's a known fact that New Monarchy is the least represented faction in the crucible, and a known fact that Executor Hideo has been known to use desperate methods to gain a foothold in the crucible. Dead Orbit's involvement in this whole matter, was to discreetly put an end to these shameless acts of heresy and poor sportsmanship conduct. This obvious smear campaign against the Dead Orbit faction will not be tolerated, you'll be hearing from our lawyers. Great post, good read. :D

      Posting in language:

       

      Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

      1 Reply
      • Stories like this are the few bright spots on the forums lol A+ man keep them coming. Very well written and very funny

        Posting in language:

         

        Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

      • I can't stop laughing!!!

        Posting in language:

         

        Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

      • Where, pray tell, is the freaking subscribe button!?

        Posting in language:

         

        Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

        1 Reply
        • Edited by Godspeedhero: 10/19/2014 5:49:11 AM
          "You want the Crucible? I AM the Crucible!" Lololololol Lord Shaxxby is my favorite NPC.

          Posting in language:

           

          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

        • [quote]Ever since the[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/71883476] Cryptarch's Engram scandal[/url] was uncovered, Guardians have been leery about the dealings of Tower Officials. A recent discovery this week confirmed that their suspicions were well-founded. "Lord Shaxx was too busy rooting for both sides of a crucible match to comment," a recent Tower News article read. As it turns out, The Crucible Handler really[i] was[/i] rooting for both sides. Every time a guardian competes in the Crucible wearing a faction emblem, they gain reputation for that faction. The more popular a faction is, the easier it is for them to press their political agendas in the City. In short, Guardians join and fight for their faction in exchange for Legendary gear, and the faction in turn gains ground in City politics. Sometime in September, Arach Jalaal, the Dead Orbit faction representative, offered monetary incentives to Lord Shaxx to rig Crucible matches in his faction's favor. It is not the first time Jalaal has broken rules in the name of Dead Orbit's “great project.” Lord Shaxx agreed to the arrangement, and secretly cut deals with the other two factions. Once they had all agreed to pay him to rig the matches, Lord Shaxx made sure that Guardians from every faction were on both teams in Crucible matches. That way, no matter who won, Lord Shaxx would be rewarded by every faction in the tower and be sun bathing in Old Cancun in no time. To make matters worse, Guardians gain reputation based on overall performance, which means that the bloodier the battle, the fatter the paycheck for Lord Shaxx. This fact partially explains Shaxx’s orgasmic enthusiasm for blood baths. “Show them the true meaning of war!” he says. “Show no mercy! You fight to win, Guardian! Haha! You're crushing them; send them home crying!” "Lord Shaxx's duty is to give guardians the skills they need to push back the darkness," The Speaker said when asked to comment on the subject. "It doesn't matter to me whether Shaxx is making a little money on the side doing it. The Tower is not discussing pressing charges at this time." Regardless of official charges, Shaxx defends his actions, saying that he gladly redistributes his wealth at the end of each match by rewarding the worst players on each team. Apparently there is method to his madness, as these players are then better equipped to murder each other to pay Shaxx's bills. He was silent about the other rumors of his monetary generosity. The riotous[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72810459] raves in the Tower Hangar Night Club[/url] have been attributed to him by many of the guests. Some of the cryptarchs, who are well-versed in Earth's history, have taken to calling him "The Great Shaxxby," both because of the parties as well as the questionable manner in which they are supposed to be funded. While Tower News cannot confirm reports that the Crucible Handler is behind the raves, the Exotic fur shoulder pieces he reps seem to point to an increase in wealth. However, it should be noted that there are other, more plausible explanations of how he got his wardrobe. Some claim Lord Shaxx was sent through a Vex time gate while soloing the Vault of Glass. He found himself in the Ice Age without a weapon, so he strangled a woolly mammoth with his bare hands and took its scrotum as a trophy. The legend goes that he then returned to the vault and killed Aetheon single-handedly - without pushing him off the edge. The Speaker's lax stance on the issue of the Crucible scandal has led to accusations of his own involvement in the affair. New Monarchy claims he encouraged Shaxx to prevent factions from gaining ground on each other by making them gain reputation at the same rate. "The Speaker can easily keep his office if there are no factions popular enough to threaten his overthrow," the New Monarchy Tower rep said. Lakshmi-2, the Future War Cult's bloody-minded representative, was much more forgiving of Shaxx's questionable practices. "We've got to be ready to band together regardless of faction or race or class and fight the Darkness with all we have," she said. "Shaxx helps us be ready to do just that. Plus, the extra money has allowed Shaxxy to spend more time with his admirers…what? No, I’m not blushing. Those are my pink facial highlights.” We interviewed Lord Shaxx and asked him to comment on the Dead Orbit deal that started it all. "Dead Orbit's not in charge of the Crucible," he said forcefully. "I am." A decision to remove Lord Shaxx from his position would likely be disastrous for Tower security personnel. Shaxx, who describes himself as "an ass-whoopin' incarnate" replied to threats to remove him from the Tower by placing his massive hands on his hips and saying: "You want the crucible? I am the Crucible!" While it is unclear what this actually means, we felt it was best to conclude the interview before anyone was seriously injured. Lord Shaxx is currently still in charge of the Crucible, and is actually still receiving bribes from all three factions. It seems they are too intimidated by him to withdraw their funding. It is unclear whether or not their money will appease him [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Profile/254/6951602]JurgenBlitz[/url], a resident Titan, was the first to inform Tower News of this issue. Tune in to #TowerNews for more news updates from #SamboBaggins91[/quote] Haha bravo..

          Posting in language:

           

          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

        • Brilliant. This was quite the laugh :)

          Posting in language:

           

          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

        • [spoiler][quote]Regardless of official charges, Shaxx defends his actions, saying that he gladly redistributes his wealth at the end of each match by rewarding the worst players on each team.[/quote][/spoiler] F*ck right!

          Posting in language:

           

          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

          1 Reply
          • I'm not sure how you keep doing it, but so far all of these tower news stories have been well written and very entertaining to read. Keep it up man! I vote for giving you a tower NPC to memorialize your grade A "reporting".

            Posting in language:

             

            Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

          • I wondered who was standing at the entry door handing out shotguns to the unskilled, this explains it all. I guess lobbying for a no shotty playlist would be fruitless. Or at least start it with no secondary ammo and have it spawn like the heavy.

            Posting in language:

             

            Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

            2 Replies
            • DESTINY IS GETTING RECALLED!!

              Posting in language:

               

              Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

            • Hahahahah!

              Posting in language:

               

              Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

            • The way OP tries to keep people reading something funny and entertaining should be rewarded, instead of reading people crying and complaining about the game, this dude's approach is way different, I hope you're rewarded somehow, you deserve it! Please continue with these #towernews, I think I've read 3 or 4 and they are all great :)

              Posting in language:

               

              Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

              4 Replies
              • Hilarious, although Shaxx has already turned down bribes in the past (check the Grimoire cards for more on that).

                Posting in language:

                 

                Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                2 Replies
                • Oh! Seems like Tower News has competition with the Traveler Today

                  Posting in language:

                   

                  Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                  3 Replies
                  • [quote]Regardless of official charges, Shaxx defends his actions, saying that he gladly redistributes his wealth at the end of each match by rewarding the worst players on each team. [/quote] Ha.

                    Posting in language:

                     

                    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                  • this has nothing on the hive news...

                    Posting in language:

                     

                    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                    1 Reply
                    • Hive News was better.

                      Posting in language:

                       

                      Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                      2 Replies
                      • Great writing but it would seem you haven't read some of the grimoire cards.

                        Posting in language:

                         

                        Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                        2 Replies
                        • LMAO! "... - without pushing him off the edge." Hahahaha these keep getting better and better. Looking forward to the next one.

                          Posting in language:

                           

                          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                        • This is amazing you should make a tower news group so we can all follow you

                          Posting in language:

                           

                          Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

                          2 Replies
                          You are not allowed to view this content.
                          ;
                          preload icon
                          preload icon
                          preload icon