Guy at a bar walks over to the bartender and says "I'll bet you $500 I can piss in that shot glass behind the bar without missing or spilling a drop". Bartender says " there's no way. You're on". Guy unzips and pisses all over the bar and the bartender never hitting the shot glass with a drop. Bartender laughs and says " you idiot I told you you couldn't do it now pay up". The guy pays him and starts laughing. Bartender says "you just lost $500 what's so GD funny?" The guy says "I bet that guy over there $2000 I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd be happy about it"

Back when president Obama was on the campaign trail for his second term he made a publicity stop at an elementary school. During this stop Obama sat in on a vocabulary lesson. When the word tragedy came up, Obama stood up and told the teacher he'd be happy to teach the class the meaning of the word. So, Obama walked to the front of the class and asked, "who here thinks they can give an example of a tragedy?" A little girl in the front row eagerly raised here hand and Obama called on her to give an example. "If a school bus full of innocent children rolled over a cliff and killed everyone inside that'd be a tragedy." "No," Obama said, "that's what we'd call a terrible loss. Does anyone else think they have an example?" Another little girl raised her hand and when Obama pointed to her she said, "If we were tubing and my dad ran over my sister with the boat and killed her that would be a tragedy." Obama frowned and said, "no that's what we would call an accident. I'll give you one more try, who thinks they have a good example of a tragedy?" The students looked around at each other until finally a little boy in the back stood up and said "if you were flying in Air Force one and were shot down and killed by friendly fire, that would be a tragedy." Obama smiled and said," Great! That [b]would[/b] be a tragedy. Can you tell us all why that would be a tragedy young man?" The little boy nodded and said, [spoiler]"It would have to be a tragedy because it wouldn't be a terrible loss and you can bet your black ass it wouldn't be an accident." [/spoiler]

There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...

This ones long but stick with me Boy in class is asked by his teacher "if three birds are on a fence and a farmer shoots one how many are left" The boy says "none" The teacher says " Why do you say none?" The boy "when the farmer shoots his gun the birds all fly away" Teacher "the answer is 2 but I like the way you think" The boy "okay teacher I got one for you. Three women are in a park eating ice cream. One is sucking it, one is licking it, and one is biting it. Which one is married? The teacher reluctantly says "the one sucking it I guess" The boy "actually the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky. [spoiler]hue,hue,hue,hue,hue[/spoiler]

I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had there was a dog [spoiler]It was a shitzu[/spoiler]

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

What's the difference between Paul walker and my computer? [spoiler]I wasn't happy when my computer crashed[/spoiler]

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [spoiler]One, because they are efficient and not very funny.[/spoiler]

I was bullying an orphan. [spoiler]What are they going to do? Tell their parents?[/spoiler]

A sheep, drum, and snake fall from a plane [spoiler]Ba, Dum, Tiss[/spoiler]

Knock knock, Little old lady I didn't know you could yodel.

what's the difference between a crappy bus stop and a lobster with breast implants [spoiler] one's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean[/spoiler]

My life! :D