Why do titans eyes hurt? Cuz the can't blink! Why are hunters and warlocks still virgins? Cuz they can't smash! Hehe...

What's black, yellow and makes everyone happy? [spoiler]A schoolbus full of black people going over a cliff[/spoiler]

What do you call a swimming pool full of retards? [spoiler]Vegetable Soup [/spoiler]

Helen Keller walks into a bar [spoiler]and a table, and that desk, and the doorframe.[/spoiler] [spoiler]too soon?[/spoiler]

Who are the fastest readers? 9/11 victims, they went through like 90 stories in 10 seconds.

Mike gets a call at work he had been waiting for. The baby is coming and the wifes already at the hospital! He hightails it from work gets there as fast as he can, and paces in the waiting room. A few minutes pass and a doctor comes out and asks "Are you mr Smith?" "Yes yes whats the news?" "you need to see this, its unbelievable but, YOUR CHILD CAN FLY. Mike gives a puzzled look and follows him into the nursery ward. The doctor walks right up to the newborn in the crib and picks him up slightly and then lets go. The baby lands softly back on the crib. "Hmm weird, he just did it a second ago" So the doctor picks the baby up out of the crib and lets go. The baby hits the ground with a sickening thud. By now Mike is furious. "NO IM SERIOUS HE JUST DID IT A SECOND AGO SEE LOOK" And with that, the doctor opens up the window on the fifth floor nursery and slings the baby out the window. The baby boomerangs right into a parked car, shattering the windshield. Just as Mike reaches his arm back to punch the everliving shit out of the doctor he says, "Nah man im just messin with ya. It was a stillborn"

[spoiler]wanted to tell another joke[/spoiler] One day in kindergarten Dallas's teacher was reviewing math with the class. She said,"I want everyone to come up with a math equation that equals nine. She passes up Dallas and notices that he is drawing tree's. She asks,"Dallas, how on earth does that equal nine?" Dallas says,"Well, tree plus tree plus tree equals nine." The teacher roles her eyes and then tells the class,"everyone now make an equation that equals ninety-nine." Dallas starts to scribble on his trees and the teacher confronts him again. She says,"Dallas, I don't think that is how math works. " Dallas says,"no,dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree equals ninety-nine." The teacher is done playing games so she says,"class, create an equation that equals one hundred." She looks down to see Dallas drawing a dog at every tree pooping and yells,"Dallas that is inappropriate and now your in time out!" Dallas looks at his teacher and say,"what are you talking about? I thought dirty tree and one turd plus dirty tree and one turd plus dirty tree and one turd equals one hundred." The teacher walks out of the class room frustrated.

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? A: None.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? [spoiler]one is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean[/spoiler]

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist. It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out. When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said "Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-" And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."