So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist. It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out. When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said "Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-" And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

Where did sally go after the bombings? [spoiler]everywhere[/spoiler]

What do you call a cow with no legs? [spoiler]Ground beef[/spoiler] What do you call a cow with 3 legs? [spoiler]lean beef[/spoiler] What do you call a cow who just gave birth? [spoiler]decaffeinated[/spoiler] What do you call a cow with two legs? [spoiler]your mom[/spoiler]

What do you call a champion fisher? [spoiler]a master baiter[/spoiler]

Not the best but it's the only one I can think of Why are pills white [spoiler]Because they work[/spoiler]

There was a man in Europe in a business trip. His car broke down in the middle of a road that sound through the peaceful plains. Along the way to a nearby repair station, he heard the most beautiful sound in all his life. He had to know what caused it. He followed the sound all the way back to a small monastery, sitting on a hill. He knocked on the door, and a Monk answered. The man explained his situation, and then said,"That is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I must ask, what makes it?" The Monk responded: "I can't tell you, only a monk may know. However, you are welcome to stay the night if you want." The man stays the night, and continues the next morning. Years later, he gets married, and brings his wife to the monastery to hear the sound. She agrees whole heartedly that it is the most beautiful sound in the world. She knocks on the monastery door, and is answered by a monk. She asks what makes the sound. The Monk responded with "I would tell you, but only a monk may know. However, you are welcome to stay the night." And in the morning, they continue on their vacation. Decades later, the man lost his job. His wife left him, and took his only child with her. He was so very sad, the only thing that could make him happy was hearing that sound again. So he saved his money, and traveled to the monastery. He knocked, met the Monk, and gave his story. "Enlightened one", he said," I have nothing left in the world. I would just like to know: What makes that sound?" "I may not tell you, my child. Not unless you were to become a Monk." "How must I become a Monk?" "Count every blade of grass, and every grain of sand, and then return here." So the man traveled for the next several years, counting every blade of grass and grain of sand. He returned to the monastery, and gave them the numbers. They concurred, and said,"Congratulations, you are now a Monk." He responded with,"I know the virtues of patience, however I must ask: what makes the beautiful sound?" The monk told the man to follow him. Down a hallway lines with silver, there was a golden door. Beyond that was a golden hallway, with a platinum door. Beyond that was a platinum hallway with a pair of plain doors. The monk opened the doors, and the man saw the most wondrous thing in the world, the only thing capable of making such a sweet sound. And I'd tell you what it is, but you aren't a monk.

Here's one for my fellow anime fans What do you call it when hank hill dyes his hair black with a red highlight? [spoiler]hill la hill[/spoiler]

Yo mama so old, she has a separate entrance for black men.

Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that. I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag, You can hide but you can't run. And The Lord said to john "come fourth and you will receive eternal life" But John came fifth and won a toaster. What's green fuzzy and if it fell out a tree would kill you? A pool table. Someone stole my Microsoft office, they're gonna pay. You have my word.

I give all credit from this joke to BlazingHawk. What's the difference between Bungie and Hasbro?[spoiler]Bungie has more nerfed guns.[/spoiler]

A girl with no arms and no legs was crying on a beach. A man saw the girl and asked what was wrong. "I've never been hugged" she said. So the man hugged her and went on his way. She was still crying when a second man walked up to her and asked what was wrong. "I've never been kissed" she said So the man kissed her and went on his way. Still, she was crying, and a third man walked up to her and asked what was wrong. "I've never been Fu[i]c[/i]ked before" she complained So the man picked her up, threw her in the ocean and yelled: [spoiler][b]WELL YOURE FU[i]C[/i]KED NOW!![/b][/spoiler] And went on his way.

My life