A message from Crota

I saw this posted over on the PS4 Destiny Facebook group and busted out laughing! It’s long, but this is a great write-up, especially for those that have played the Crota raid. Credit to user Rambo4 for the write-up. ------------------------------ Crota here. Good news! Bungie patched my arthritis/knee glitch for Hard Mode and I'm finally able to stand up again. And since Guardians can no longer cheese me, its time for us to cheese some Guardians! I'll be on XBL all weekend cheesing Guardians, and I'll have plenty of open fireteam slots for any level 33 Hive looking for some easy loot drops. I have the HM CE Guardian checkpoint on all 3 toons. We are going to be exploiting a long list of known glitches to cheese Guardians, so minimal playing skill is required. Just join up and get your loot drops. First, a few ground rules. I'm only taking level 33's. Don't even message me if you're 32. Why? Well because it's a level 32 raid and Guardians are capped at level 32. So, we’ll just be 33, get a damage buff and we’ll take 30% less damage. I mean, LOL, right? I know, I can't believe we’re getting away with this either. The level designers really don’t like Guardians. Secondly, anyone who suggests we "just kill the Guardians legit" is getting insta-booted from fireteam and GT blocked. No exceptions. We're not doing it legit, this is purely payback for making the last month of my life hell in normal mode. Damn cheaters, sword flying across my bridge, going to orbit when I'm kneeling... We'll show them some cheese. Anyway, I need the following players: lvl 33 Gatekeeper: You're basically just here to troll the Guardians who used to go camp the middle room. At first I was going to just close the door when I first enter the fight, but I think this is way funnier. You are invulnerable to everything but a sword, so you can basically phone this one in. edit My neighbor's 5-year old daughter volunteered for this role, so I don't need anyone else atm. She just keeps pushing the RT button randomly, so I figure she's perfect for this role. lvl 33 Sword-bearer: Your role here is crucial. The only way I can die is if the Guardians' timing is pretty much perfect. So your job is to TOTALLY F**K their timing. If Guardians are left, run right. If Guardians are right, run left. If they're in the center, just go hide or stay in the doorway or something. If you can buy me 20 seconds, then I can run to one side after their first sword attack & prevent a 2nd attack, and if we do that a couple times, it's almost mathematically impossible for us to lose. Also, on occasion, we’re going to not spawn you using a known glitch. I mean hey, they can’t kill me if you don’t spawn and die, right? LOL. There is one more glitch you can utilize, and that’s the vaporizing sword trick. Before you come out, grab the prop sword made of paper mache, and when it drops, it will just turn to dust. And then hilarity ensues! lvl 33 Hallowed Knights: Listen carefully, I know you’re technically supposed to be restricted to your "boomer tower" only. Not anymore. There's a glitch that allows you to basically warp down onto the bridge. And since you're a 33, you can literally 2-shot the sword-carrier Guardian. Titan class Guardians will try to put their stupid bubbles around you in your tower so you can't shoot the sword-carrier. If that happens, try and cheese: glitch down onto the bridge and shoot the sword-carrier in the back. This one is real funny lvl 33 Thrall: I don't typically speak to thrall. Whatever, join or don't, you guys are worthless. I mean seriously. I give you guys one simple task! Kill 6 Guardians who can't double-jump or sprint in a PITCH BLACK MAZE. Oh and by the way, you outlevel them and you outnumber them about 1,000:6. I swear I'd kick you all from the clan and we'd be no worse off. Obviously after the Abyss debacle, you can’t help me here. You idiots do more harm than good at the Guardian checkpoint; soaking up bullets from Red Death, giving health back to Guardians. Just hide or something! sigh Tell you what. If you’re a thrall, I want you to run into the crystal room while they’re standing on the outside ledge and bite the guardians through the closed windows. The windows are glitched so you can literally bite and claw them THROUGH the closed window. That’s the only possible way you can be useful. Just don't bring any ammo and try not to turn into an orb of light or a heavy ammo drop please. Lvl 33 Acolytes & Hallowed Knights: You’ll stand outside of the crystal room as I’m spawning and shoot into the crystal room. Knights; please remember to glitch through the closed windows before they open. And everyone, make sure to empty your heavy ammo before the fight starts so you don’t drop any when you die. Lvl 33 Ogres: You are programmed to spawn after the 2nd and 4th sword disappears, but we can have a little fun with you guys. There is a glitch we can exploit that will spawn you after only the 1st sword, and then again after the 2nd. That’s always disorienting for Guardians. Not many other glitches for you guys, but hey, you’re a full level above the guardians, they can’t regen health, you’re Hive Majors, and YOUR FACE IS A FRIGGIN GATLING GUN. Alright. Now even though the Guardians can’t regen health and you’re a FULL LEVEL above them, I don’t expect you to stop them from tearing through you and smacking me with our own swords. Fortunately for all of us, you are talking to the cheese master. They say “the moon is made of cheese.” Well that’s because I live here. Take a look at my new hat! http://i.imgur.com/zG3Hz0D.jpg So here’s what I’m gonna do. I have a whole plethora of cheeses & glitches that I'm going to take advantage of to kill some Guardians. I'll detail a few of them here so everyone knows how the Guardian fight is going to work. Server Timing glitches: I’m going to basically mess with the timers on all my actions by using the standby function on my router. So normally a blade-dancer, if timed right, can get 4 sword smashes on me when my shield is down. Well I can press “standby” and my shield comes back in just two hits. Since it takes 18 hits to kill me, if they only get 2 hits per attack, its basically impossible for them to win. I can literally do this all night. Like literally, the Guardians will have to sign off and try again the next day. I can sustain this glitch for hours. Seriously this Rambo clown and his friends spent like 2 hours, two nights in a row getting cheesed by this glitch. I did the glitch the ENTIRE night! They literally gave up, TWICE! They came back the next day and tried instancing on European servers to avoid this cheese, lololololol! Here’s a gif of Rambo trying to pwn me only to discover my shield is back in half the time, LOL! http://i.imgur.com/0IEfXfW.gif Movement timer glitch: As implied, I can also glitch my movement timer. This one is harder to pull off but I can still do this cheese every few attempts. Basically what’s going to happen is the Guardians are going to down the sword-bearer in like 10 seconds, which would normally give them time for 2 or even 3 sword attacks with that single sword, but I’m going to start running to the other side after the first sword attack. I run a 40 yard dash in like 1.5 seconds, so they can’t possibly get a 2nd sword attack in before it disappears. No-kneel glitch: One of my most common cheese moves is via the “ignore-aggro/no kneel” glitch. Traditionally, I am bound by the rules of most bosses in terms of drawing aggro. Rockets hit me, I put my hand up to cover my eyes, then my shield comes off and I kneel to regroup. But I’m not retarded. I’ve done this a few times. I know what’s going on here. Those jerks on the ledge are trying to draw my aggro while the guy carrying the ONE WEAPON that can hurt me sneaks in behind me when my shield is down. Well I’ve discovered an loophole in the coding that allows me to not-kneel when my shield comes off and ignore the aggro that the rocket guys are trying to draw, then I’m free to unleash hell on the sword-carrier while I’m under heavy rocket fire. Watch this Rambo guy get pwnd when he thinks I’m about to kneel. They saw my shield come off, they thought they timed it perfect, but all they got was a mouthful of cheese! LOL https://www.youtube.com/watch… Insta-kill glitches: I’m also working on some new “insta-pwn” glitch moves. There are quite a few of them. I like to combine them with my fast-stand-up/instant-stomp glitch and wipe out the sword-carrier. I’ve also got a super-death-laser that can be glitched to 1-hit a sword carrier. Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch… So basically that’s my plan. If somehow, somebody manages to circumvent my cheeses, the coding requires that I give them something. In which case I've had our seamstress knit up a few thousand glow-in-the-dark shaders so the Guardians will be easier to see in the dark, and probably easier to see in Crucible. That way they can kill each other off and save me the trouble. I've got a few ugly ships that no Hive want that I can throw their way too... Here's the best part; most of these Guardians are hoping for something they call the "Crux of Crota." It's not a literal object. It's just a figure of speech; My glitches are the literal "crux of Crota." L-O-friggen-L! Msg "Crota" on XBL if you want to help with the cheese