The Vanguards of Dead Orbit - Fan Fiction

It's good! Well done:D

Your writing instincts are rock solid. The frame and structure is very good. There are opportunities too, so let's get to it! First, when I read anything, the first thing I do is skim through and look for dead space. That's the empty space between sentences and more importantly, paragraphs. You nailed the use of dead space. It's a psychological thing. Eyes will fall down the page when there are gaps of space. It means your story moves, people are talking, and things are happening. The opposite is true with long paragraphs. Those long walls of text kill momentum, and rarely serve the story in a productive way. Second, great use of cliff hangers! The last couple lines of each chapter forces your reader to turn the page. Like I said in the beginning, your instincts for this mechanic are natural. As for the opportunities go, I want to address the most important one. When writing a scene, only keep the point of view of only ONE character. Decide who is the most important character is for just that scene first. Once you have done that, only write what that character thinks, sees, hears, feels, and does. If you need to show a scene from different pov's just add a double space and show the reader who the new character is early. That or use a new chapter for their experience. Go back and try it. Define whose scene it is and show what they see. Your characters will be better for it. You're off to an awesome start. I'd be happy to post any more feedback if you like.