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originally posted in:Psykana Librarius
Edited by Psy:
11/12/2013 5:26:44 PM
18
Broken Homes, Broken Kids.
Broken Homes, Broken Kids.
With roughly 45% of Marriages ending in Divorce in the UK and USA This seems like a good place to get started on WTWISFU.
It's glaringly obvious to anyone who looks, that a Broken Home generally screws up children. There are of course some people who come through it right as rain, but they are the lucky ones. I would appreciate if people didn't nitpick when I generalise about Broken Homes because it makes for tedious typing and reading to have to state 'Not in every single case' Every 5 minutes.
The statistics were drawn from the ONS for the UK and Wikipedia for the USA. (Get over it Wikipedia isn't that bad .-.)
However there have been numerous news articles stating this for the USA which tend to be covered with Bias and stirring to further a certain agenda.
Anyone with a shred of common sense will be able to see that Divorce and Broken Homes have a severe negative impact on Children from the cradle to early adulthood.
I will briefly outline some of these below.
-Physical Changes
[spoiler]Particularly in younger children (Toddlers/Babies) The effects of Parents fighting causes Physical changes, Babies will have trouble sleeping and eating properly, they may be sick more often (Spitting up) and have bowel issues. Toddlers who have been potty trained can end up reverting to more infantile behaviours...[/spoiler]-Frustration and Guilt. [spoiler]This typically affects primary school to high school aged children. They can become frustrated and angry that it is happening, this has knock on effects for the rest of their behaviour, Usually at school where they 'act up' in class. Guilt is the classic one, blaming themselves for the parents fighting/splitting up. This can vary in seriousness from the child feeling bad about what's happening to more extreme cases where they become suicidal. [/spoiler]-Withdrawal[spoiler]Some children turn inwards with their frustration, anger and guilt. They become quiet, sullen and withdrawn from other people and try to avoid any conflict/attention. This can lead to social problems which further worsen the withdrawal.[/spoiler]-Educational[spoiler]It goes without saying that a Child from a broken home has the odds stacked against them when it comes to education. Some children are able to do well despite it but very often they lose interest in school or are unable to do the work because of the home problems. This is where they can end up screwed for life because of the parent's selfishness. In a tough job climate, you need everything you can have to get a job and poor school results are a major spanner in the works.[/spoiler]-Family Dynamics[spoiler]An interesting one, is how the family dynamic changes greatly following a split. It is hard to generalise this because the dynamic for each broken home is very different to another one. From personal experience, being the eldest I had to look after my 3 younger brothers whilst general order broke down in the house and it effectively became fend for yourself. My brothers still hoard food and fight like dogs over the dinner table because of the times when there was very little to eat.[/spoiler]
So with all of these problems, and this is far from an exhaustive list, is it any wonder that many Kids/Teens/Young Adults are so screwed up?
The lack of a good father figure is an issue very frequently raised in the USA, but it's more than just deadbeat dads. The whole system is tilted against fathers. From the courts to the social perceptions. The lack of a father figure, It goes without saying that this screws up male children. They have no decent responsible role model to idealise and so turn to things like Rappers/Gangsters.
How often do you hear a Single Dad praised for being one? I bet even the phrase seems alien to most people. Single-Moms/Mums/Mothers are common place and it is easy to say 'Oh it's because the fathers run off and leave them' but considering the hellfire they have to go through to get custody in the UK (And presumably the USA) Is it any wonder? Do you ever see the mother forced to pay Alimony? Child Maintenance? Rarely. So rarely that it makes the news when it happens.
Now yes, some fathers are terrible as are some mothers. Rather than turning this into a Men Vs Women argument people should be trying to fix the bias in the system.
Broken Homes, Broken People.
So if someone has a terrible childhood, fraught with parents fighting and messy incidents is it a leap of logic to suspect that they might then go on to develop mental illnesses? Not really. Depression is very common in children/adults from a broken home, some of it might have been a biological predisposition triggered by the stress/emotional torment of a broken home or it could arise from the situation itself.
Teens/Adults from broken homes, not surprisingly, tend to exhibit strong cynicism towards romantic relationships. People harbouring mistrust and suspicion towards their partners isn't uncommon. This can then lead to the wonderful vicious circle of another broken home and broken children.
How do we fix it?
The simple and defeatist answer is, We can't.
You can change yourself, but trying to change other people is like ordering the tide to stop coming in.
Not all divorces are bad, From personal experience I'm glad my mother is finally gone. However, if there is something salvageable in a future relationship of yours, flood, for the sake of your future children, try to fix things rather than just give up after a year of troubled times. Ask your grandparents how they managed to stay together for so long (Assuming they did and you can)
Anyway, I hope this has been fairly informative. It's a midnight post for me so there might be a few issues with it, if you point them out with a civil tongue that would be much appreciated.
Please discuss Divorce, Broken Homes and Related issues. Feel free to share your own experiences, the more perspectives that you are able to see and experience will give you a better understanding of the world.
-Mr Psychologist.
Tl;Dr As requested by Zoidoge
A broken family will -blam!- up the children, you can find some of the details above. Courts are biased against fathers and Mental Illness in children and parents can arise from a divorce. The obvious has now been stated <.<
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[spoiler]this is a bump[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyEdited by Superhero: 11/12/2013 5:08:44 PMWell ya I guess divorce, domestic problems, etc. play a big role in a child's development, but I think it's how the parents handle things afterwards.
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1 ReplyGood read. Although entirely useless to me, I wonder what is causing the increasing rates of divorce.
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2 RepliesEdited by Progo: 11/13/2013 2:05:56 AMHere. We. Go! What seems to me to be the most vital function of a father is the fact that our society is still male dominated. This is, of course, biological, men are generally taller and stronger than women, so it's all just a trickle-down effect from a few hundred years back when axe-in-hand settlers populated America, or in Europe where men have fought for thousands of year. Women only take eminence in some rare scenarios, such as the Native American tribes of the Six Nations. Give the world a few hundred years of peace and I think male dominance will be forgotten entirely as families slowly reform over the generations and physical strengths matter less because of technology. But in the here and now, men are more important in some ways, women in others, and the loss of either mother or father can shred a family and scar a child. I have a friend, we'll call him P, his father jumped ship for another woman when P was 6 years old. P is a nice guy, his mom has a full-time job, and he has good prospects. But P's personal motivation is horribly lacking, the only authority he knows is that of his loving mom, he has no dad lurking behind him as he plays videogames all summer instead of getting a job (he's 18), no father to discipline him if he breaks curfew. I'm fairly concerned that once he graduates highschool he's going to go get a minimum wage job and get married, which just makes my head spin. The morale P's story is that Fathers are important for raising boys, now it doesn't have to be a biological dad, it can be an older sibling, an older friend, an uncle, or even a grandfather. But someone has to fill the father figure. [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Carson]Pediatric neurosurgeon Ben Carson is a good example of a wildly successful man who grew up without a father[/url], but it took a tough-as-nails mother and older brother, along with some good ol' fashioned evangelical Christianity. On the other side we have kids who don't have a mother. This is rare in my experiences, and I honestly have very little knowledge about that. Perhaps it is a less severe situation since a divorced father has less financial risk than a divorced mother. How to solve it? Well, religious societies impose sanctions on adulterers and abusers, but with each passing decade there seems to be less severity involved with divorce and family breakage as religiosity declines. My personal opinion on solving it is that we need to bring back a genuine care for the family structure, but still have divorce available for people who are being abused. Exactly how to go about this is a huge issue, especially in such ethnically diverse places like the US and the EU, you can't make everyone convert to a religion that morally condemns the behavior that breaks up families, and you can't outlaw divorce. This makes me think it's a micro-level problem, people need to reach out to others more, this will generate increased desire for success, less selfish feelings, and an increased care for others. But you can't 'make' people do that either. [b]In summary, I have no easy answer. :| [/b] Was that good? :)
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4 RepliesEdited by Progo: 11/12/2013 5:25:21 PM[quote]A broken family with -blam!- up the children[/quote] Correction: "[b]will[/b] blam up the children" Very good read, I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially as the oldest. A girl I know somewhat well lives with her biological dad and stepmother, though she does do monthly visitation with her psychotic mom. She doesn't seem to be overly scarred by it, and I think that's due to her father being a very stable man and her stepmom a very kind person, in fact while her current parents have been married they have adopted a toddler rather than have another biological kid, which of course is great since it makes my friend not feel like an oddball with her younger step siblings. I'll probably post a more analytical comment later.
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14 RepliesDo you have any kids?
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5 RepliesAs someone who has had their parents go through a divorce, I can honestly say I am a more mature person, and a more intelligent person because of it. Do i still harbor some belligerent feelings for both my parents? Of course, I think everyone who has had their family go through a divorce does, but does that mean I am a broken person? No. I understand you said it doesn't apply to all cases, but I think it would be fair to say that 50% of divorces were healthy and a good thing. On another note, and I hope this isn't prying, but I would be interested to hear about your situation with your mother. I have an extremely close relationship with my mother, and cannot imagine being without her. I understand that you are an adult, but I believe one cannot fully mature without an influence from a mother. So yah, that is my 2 cents...
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3 RepliesWow. I agree in a way. A lot of issues seem to be a lack of proper role models than lack male role models though. Also why do you think divorces are more common now?
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Now that I think about it, the dad does seem to be the main factor in these scenarios, at least from my perspective. 3 of my friends have divorced parents and live with their mothers, another has a deceased dad, 2 have abusive dads, while one of my granddads was an alcoholic and both just weren't around. I'm surprised my friends and parents have turned out as good as they are. Divorce increase may be because people today are rushing into marriage and children without thinking, but sometimes it really can't be helped. I think the aim should be to not just ensure the kids are in an economically stable home, but have enough familial and social support. Often in poorer families, the mother just can't always be around to look out for the kids. Making sure they're in good contact with their dad (if allowed) or other older family/friends so they have some social support seems like a good idea, and also having a social worker to talk to if things get stressful.
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1 ReplyDo people ever wonder why this has become a rising issue in western societies? Maybe it's what people believe love is? How can these people say they love each other and then split when times get hard? They never truly loved each other if that's how the deal with things. Sadly, everyone is taught to be with someone you love. Are they setting us up for failure? Is there something deeper to love than what is portrayed about it? Is it beyond attraction and emotions?
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4 RepliesAs someone from a broken home I can attest to this as being very accurate. After seeing how my father lost everything he worked his life for just because my bitch of a mother didn't want to even try to save their marriage has really influenced my decision to live a bachelor for the rest of my foreseeable future. I'm not risking what I've earned for someone else.
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Oh God, too much to discuss :p Keeping it short, I find it interesting how the 'Nuclear Family' is basically a cliché. When someone starts to talk about that concept/ideal, all I can think of is naff 60's Americana (e.g. the dated housewife adverts e.t.c, not the hippy shit). Whilst there are too many categories to go in depth about atm, I'm going to be a tit and add another one XD. I think the debate between only children or siblings will intensify over the next few decades and the arguments put forth for both sides are quite interesting. Anyways, back on topic, the lack of male role models does seem to be universally recognized as a significant part of the gang cultures vicious cycle especially in urban, black American communities.
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1 ReplyYeah, that stuff messes you up for life. But you learn to deal with conflict and stress, as well as depression. And in my case I became a much more violent person.
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3 RepliesEdited by aTALLmidget: 11/12/2013 1:16:45 AMOne of the many problems in producing broken homes is the immaturity in marriage, where couples marry too quickly without giving the time to see whether or not they're truly compatible over the long term. And more so is the mindset of too many people (it seems statistically mostly women, who largely are the ones demanding a divorce more than husbands are), is that its okay to divorce the instant you're not 100% satisfied and can go find someone else and keep doing that. Thing is, you WON'T be 100% satisfied throughout the marriage and to expect to be is ridiculous and a lack of common sense. You're getting married to stick with that person through thick and thin and being loyal to that person because you said you loved them and will stand by their side even when the going gets tough, because they're worth it. Hell, you won't be 100% with friendships or ANY relationships, really. It's just a bummer that society has taken up this idea of "Not satisfied? Here's something NEW! Get a NEW one!" Etc. It's especially and most often unfair to the man involved in the divorce as well, but that's another issue. This is just my two cents on the subject, and the issue is quite large and this is only one of the dynamics in it.
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8 Repliesmuh family values muh mens rights muh rap music is the devil Going down the judgemental moralist checklist are we?
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3 RepliesPlease tell me more I didn't know about myself.
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3 RepliesSo ... these issues would be fixed with a quick, painless divorce instead of 'sticking together for the children'?
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1 ReplyMuch tl;dr Very China called
