Dark Souls 2: PvP Pet Peeves.

I'm going to make a big comprehensive list about every bolony ass mechanic I've come across. I still like the pvp, but the shit mechanics really, really, really bog shit down. In fact, I've just resorted to punching shit. There's no point to strength weapons. And I don't like being a cheap feg. I can stunlock people, but the caestus has the range of a microbe so eventually I punch them too far from me and they can get away. So, here's what's to start on the list. [u]Lol Poise[/u] If you could modify the game to have unlimited poise, it wouldn't do anything. It's useless, does nothing, has no effect, nada. Or so you think. Lol Poise has a random factor. At any moment, the game will decide that this is the original souls, and the guy wearing heavy armour will suddenly take up to 5 hits without flinching. What does this mean for you? In the time it takes me to punch somebody five times, and not have them flinch, they've swung their weapon. And that automatically welcomes you to your very own special version of LOL POISE that does nothing, and you get stunlocked to death. [u]Stunlocking[/u] Get a weapon with combos. You automatically win pvp. Spin 2 win. Wombo combos. Combo breaker. You are now the champion of tetris. [u]Magic, Pyromancy, Miracles and Hexes[/u] You like playing the game on auto mode? Want to take a shit on the toilet but don't want to quit the game or wish for a pause button? Use any of these and the game will run itself for you. Extra points if you're Australian, French, Mexican, Japanese, and South American because then you don't even need to touch the controller. [u]Magic buffs[/u] Magic buffs aren't so bad. That's if you can avoid them. But what makes this move extra douchey, is when you use various mechanics up above to compliment it. Spam magic and watch your target roll, then mash dem buttons to get a free kill. [u]Scaling[/u] See that 50 STR weapon you're carrying? How about that 40 DEX one? What about the 40/40 STR DEX one? Useless. Physical damage is so last year. Slap on some elemental damage and you'll outpace even the burliest dude who can carry two anvil hammers at once. [u]Shield Breaker[/u] Not the most overpowered move of everything in here. It's what comes after that is. This is the law of shield breaker. Spam your weapon at them over and over, mash buttons like crazy and somehow pull the breaker off flawlessly every time, as a third arm comes from your chest in the middle of your swings, and hits your target. This next law is ABSOLUTE. If you do not roll a shield breaker, no matter how far away you manage to walk, even at the distance of the first souls's demon spear, you will get hit by it. And you will sit there, for the entire duration it takes for your enemy to walk over to you. Combine this with a dagger, a buffed weapon, or anything in general, and you win. [u]Free hitsies[/u] This law is an ABSOLUTE as well. Simple, you swing your weapon first, but they had just started their swing. What happens? You get hit too. And then, from this point on, it's a roll of the dice on LOL POISE's part to see who wins. [u]Punishment Backstabs[/u] Ever keep trying to hit a rolling enemy? Pretty hard right? Not really. It's just that every single time you try to hit someone who is rolling away from you, YOU TRY TO DO THE BACKSTAB INITIATION LIKE A -blam!-ING DUMBASS. And how are you rewarded? By a short little pause of the game punishing you for "MISSING" your backstab. Refer to up above in the list for what comes next. [u]Long weapons[/u] If it's long, you win the game. This is the only game where it pays to have a penis longer than two of your body lengths. [u]Poison[/u] Simple. If your meter fills up, you may as well just sit back, and enjoy the rest of your life for the remaining 5 seconds you have. Poison weapons are for the most part, made of ass and shit, but if you poison somebody, that's it. [u]Lag[/u] Having a bad time? Pull some wires out of your router and make beeping computer noises and you'll win any fight you want. [u]Registry System[/u] The one true roll of the dice mechanic. [u]Drink Estus[/u] Drink Estus. And finally, we come to the golden, final rule. [u]Murphy's Law, Dark Souls style[/u] That's right. If there are any useable tactics players use to defeat you, such as shield bashing, or magic buffs, magic, long weapons, stunlocking, and poison, they will automatically fail you. As for in-game mechanics that players have little control over, these will always act against you, but for the favor of your opponent. I will place these before you in a simple mathematic equation. Shield bash done by you = regular attack that leads to you getting stunlocked, your enemy has a 10000000000000000000000. recovery time and you can never initiate the animation, and so on. Drinking estus = You don't drink estus. You inspect the bottle. Look at the glow of the sun through it. Inspect the date stickers on it. Check the authenticity labels on it. Delicatley remove the cap like you're opening a bottle of pop you threw down the stairs. Smell the smell of the estus. Savor the little quiet moments. Let one single drop onto your tongue to make sure it isn't poisoned or gone bad. Left the bottle up, and hold it there, admiring it in the sun. Bring the bottle to your lips, and lick the glass in anticipation. You take a deep breath, and drink the estus. You are now dead because of all of the other game mechanics. Lots of poise for youreslf = you have no poise. Attempted stun locking = LOLPOSIE activates for your opponent, you become stunlocked, end of story. Magic of any kind = You're a god damn glass pea shooter. A sneeze in your general direction will kill you. Every enemy has a shield with 100% resistance. Magic buffs = your opponent doesn't want any of that shit and kills you on sight. Long weapons = Lol niggs you've got a hitbox the size of an ant on the end of your weapon. Poison = You were hitting me with poison? Attempting to use free hitsies in your favor = The registry system says hello. Nope, you didn't swing your weapon. In fact, you didn't even have it equipped. Using a STR weapon = Lol you swing like a fat 2 year old, no damage, slow and no reach. Using a DEX weapon = lol use a heavy weapon, you can't kill me with little pokes at the speed of light. Keeping your shield up = Shield Breakers non stop And so, gentlemen, this is the fundamental mathematical equation for Dark Souls pvp. But what does all this add up to you ask? What could possibly be the answer? Here it is. YOU DIED.