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originally posted in:The Collective Anomaly
Edited by Velen: 3/28/2015 3:17:46 PM
3

Enter the Darkness Chapter 2

This is Chapter 2. A short chapter leading to a bigger one. Any and all criticism is welcomed. Enjoy Chapter Two The three Guardians materialize into the tower. Kilear immediately rushes toward the Vanguard's area. "Damn it, I'll go after him. You gonna come with?" Shadow asks Nova. "No, I'm going to head to Rey and give her this virus. Just make sure he doesn't hurt himself" "Aw, look at Nova. Caring about someone" Shadow sarcastically says. Nova deathly glares at Shadow as he runs away laughing. Nova pulls out his Ghost. 'Alright, Rey is at the Shipwright. I'll run by her and give her this little creature.' Nova starts his walk to Rey. -------------------------------------------------------------- "What do you mean I'm now in a fire team?" Kilear questions. Cayde grabs Kilear shoulder. "I mean you're in a fire team. Kilear, I was like you at one point. I thought that a team would hold me back dramatically. When I did team up though, I didn't regret it. The only reason that I don't do more now is because I'm now a vanguard. I want to get back out there, but responsibilities come first, and the Speaker said that having you three together would be more efficient." "I've always been a lone wolf. I thought that I could do more by myself. Since you and the Speaker demands it, I'll stay.....but I get to lead it." Kilear said "Like hell you are!!" Shadow steps in. "If anyone should lead it's gonna be Nova. Besides, you a 'Lone Wolf.' What makes you capable to lead a fire team?" As Kilear and Shadow argue, Cayde steps over to Zavala. "How long do you think it will take for them to actually face off in the arena?" Zavala looks at Cayde. "Cayde, you know that's not appropriate." Zavala looks at Kilear and Shadow bowing up to each other. "I'll throw down ten strange coins and give them three days." Cayde puts ten strange coins on the table. "I'll give them six." -------------------------------------------------------------- Rey scans the specimen. "Thank you Nova. How is Shadow taking the new changes?" "He isn't. I could care less. Actually, in the long run this is better. We have an extra set of hands." A warlock walks up to Rey. "Ma'am, I found the intel that you needed." She takes off her helmet and looks over at Nova. "I'm sorry. I didn't know I was interrupting." "No, you fine. You must be one of Rey's new apprentices." Nova says. "Thank you for the intel, Alex." Rey steps over to Alex and looks at Nova. "Nova, this is Alex. She's a new member of the Hidden. She shows aptitude close to yours when you first started in the Hidden." "Wait." Alex looks at Nova's Bond. "You a super guardian!" Nova thinks for a minute, confused. "Excuse me?" "You one of the Guardians that can use both of there supers." "You're correct, but we are called the Vanguard's Elite. We've trained ourselves past our natural limit. We can use both supers. With a cost." "What cost would that be?" Alex look at Nova with a face that wanted to know more. "Come and sit. I'll explain. Rey, do you want to come?" Nova asks. "Sure. I need a break from standing anyways." They move to a less populated area. As they go to sit down, Rey slips and lands on her back as it pops. "What was that, your hip?" Nova asks. Rey sits up. "Don't make me kill you." Nova looks at Alex. "Now let me explain our supers. When I was younger I was a Voidwalker like yourself. After using Voidwalker for such a long time I learned to master it's abilities. Then I was a Sunsinger. Mastering Sunsinger was more difficult because the way I fought the Darkness had to change. Once I mastered Sunsinger, I was hungry for more knowledge. So I read journals and other works by warlocks to further my understanding of the warlocks powers. After learning what I had to do I went into intense training and now I've come to be able to use both of the warlocks abilities, but the cost is something that's there. Say if I'm using Voidwalker and I die. I can use Radiance to come back to life but after Radiance wears off I feel slower, weaker, I can't aim my weapon straight...." "I don't mean to interrupt but your an Exo. How do you feel weak and slow?" Alex asks. "To be honest, I couldn't tell you myself. My ghost can't even scan past some of the tech that made me. I just know I can feel emotion, pain, burdens.." "Well Alex I believe we should rap it up here. You have some work to do today. I'll have Zavala give you the mission specs." Rey said suddenly. "Yes ma'am. It was nice to meet you Nova." She bows and runs off. "She's something." Nova says. "Yes she is but she has potential....Well I need to get back to work. Do you know where you fire team is right now?" "Last I saw they where heading toward Cayde and Zavala. I might as well round them up." They both start heading toward the vanguard area. As they're walking Rey pulls out some documents. "Here's your fire teams first mission. We have been doing some digging lately and found a Fallen captain in the House of Devils that's gaining power. Eliminate him and report to me. This is a test run so push them to the limit if you have to." -------------------------------------------------------------- They walk into the Vanguard area to see Shadow being held back by Zavala and Cayde holding back Kilear. "Hey Idiots!" Nova yells. The commotion stops as they all look at Nova. Rey steps in and looks at Cayde and Zavala. "Not you idiots. His idiots." "We have a new mission. For all of us. Let's get going. They both shake the Vanguards off of them as Nova pulls out his ghost and teleports them into orbit.

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  • I liked the first chapter better. I'm not going to lie, "lone wolf", is played out. Try setting yourself apart from the "norm", if you will. "Nomad", "Transient", "Drifter", "Wanderer", Hell, I would even try "Rolling Stone". Branching out from everyday word usage, will really help you stand out. Also, when writing dialogue, such as: "I am going to be leading this fire team." She said as she stormed in. Instead of ending the dialogue with a period inside of the quotations, it is correctly written as: "I am going to be leading this fire team," she said as she stormed in. You aren't starting a new sentence after she speaks, it is a continuation of the same sentence, so therefore, a comma. However, if you aren't going to say anything else after the dialogue, then ending it with a period inside of the quotations is correct. "John, go to the store and buy milk." John didn't want to go, but he stopped playing Destiny and went anyway. Just a few things I saw, very minor, and very common. Anyway, keep it going, your story is solid!

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    • Excited for the next one!

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    • AAAH WRITE FASTER I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL XD

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