originally posted in:The Collective Anomaly
Well this is chapter one of my story. Although it has small nods to a certain game series, I wouldn't consider it a fan fiction or anything. Anyway, I'm really nervous to actually share this with people, but I hope you all enjoy.
I slowly opened my eyes to a dark oak wood ceiling in front of me. Whatever I was lying on was soft. Probably a bed. I tried turning over, but a sharp pain in my side stopped me. I looked down and saw a large bandage covering my otherwise bare stomach. It was stained red with blood.
“Jonathan! You’re awake,” a woman’s voice said. I did not know what happened, but I knew I was in my home city, Serma. Serma is the only place where I am called Jonathan; everywhere else, I am known as Larvali. “I’m so glad you’re awake,” the woman continued, “You were unconscious for so long.”
“How long would that be?” I replied with a grunt.
“So what happened to me and where am I?” I said, cutting past the crap.
“You’re in the Serma hospital. My name is Kaitlyn and I’ve been tending to you. As for what happened, I was hoping you could fill me in. All I know is that you strolled through the front gate of the city, clutching your side. You whispered something and then fell to the ground, slamming your head.” Strange. I didn’t even notice the pain in my head until she mentioned it.
“Doesn’t matter what happened.” I said as I sat up in bed. I remembered anyway. Just a small fight. I began peeling off the bandages that were wrapped around my stomach. Kaitlyn tried to stop me.
“What are you doing?” she asked as she tried grabbing my hands.
I lightly pushed her away as I replied to her. “I need to see how deep the cut is.” I got out of bed and began walking to the door. Kaitlyn’s eyes were wide with astonishment. I pushed open the door, hands clutching my side, and stepped into another room of the hospital. This building was very knew, so I did not know how big it was or where the exit was. I began searching the whole building, Kaitlyn pleading with me to get back into bed or I would kill myself. After three minutes of searching, I found the exit.
After stepping into the night air, I lifted a torch off a large stone wall. I grabbed onto the sconce and gritted my teeth. I had done this before, but it was always unpleasant. I bent over slightly and let the flames of the torch lick my open would as I pressed it closer against my stomach, I let the torch burn my wound shut. “If only clerics would learn to do that,” I thought to myself.
I put the torch back in its sconce before sliding against the wall and sitting down. I looked down at my stomach and examined the wound. My eyes naturally scanned over the many tattoos on my body, each one having a different meaning. My eyes locked on the tattoo directly in the center of my chest. It is a symbol consisting of three lines, two that come together to make an upside down “V”, and one underneath that that curves and looks similar to a smile. The tattoo was my first, and symbolizes an elite order of warriors that used to be very powerful in the kingdom of Lord Godfrey.
The symbol reminded me of something the men of this order were trained to do very early in their training. I hadn’t done it in years, so I got up from my wall and began making my way through the hospital again. I put on my clothes, passing Kaitlyn again, and made my way back outside. Since it was the middle of night, the only people up and about were the guards. I know every member of the city’s guard, and am good friends with most of them, so no one stopped me for being out past curfew.
I made my way to the tallest tower in the city and began climbing. Ever since I was young, I loved climbing, and I would do it as much as possible. Now, as a man of 23, my climbing skills have greatly improve, and as long as I take my time, I can climb almost anything. After 10 minutes of climbing, I reached the top of the tower. Stepping to the edge, I scratched my close-cut beard. Looking down a few hundred feet was a huge lake. I had done this before, but the thought still scared me. I took a deep breath, stretched my hands to me my sides, and jumped.
As I plummeted down to the water below, I felt the wind pressing against my face and pushing my arms back. I slowly brought my hands up above my head, ready to cut through the water. As my hands broke the surface of the water, I felt a slight pain in my hands and arms, but it was a good pain. I let my body descend a few feet below the surface before swimming back up. Treading water, I took a look at the familiar scene. Behind me, to the south, was a large castle wall—very difficult to scale, but I always love a challenge. In front of me, to the north, was a huge mountain range that went on for miles. To the east and west was an expansive plain. At one point there had been trees in this vacant area, but they were all removed to more easily see mobilizing armies.
I took about a half hour to swim around the lake. Swimming is always an enjoyable exercise. After taking in the peaceful sights and freeing my mind for the night, I decided it was time to head home. I slowly swam my way over to the large wall I had jumped from. I grasped the lowest handhold and lifted myself out of the water, thus beginning my long ascent. Because I was so fatigued from swimming, and I was soaking wet, the climb was much more difficult. It took me nearly a half hour and I could have very well died. But that didn’t concern me. Long ago, I marked my death off the list of things that concerns me.
Once I got to the top of the wall, I decided it would be better to take the stairs. I just wanted some rest now. A proper one, that is. Not one that comes from a large amount of blood loss.
As I slowly walked to my home in the rich district of Serma, I noticed something strange. In my time in the city, I memorized all the posts and rotations of the guards. The two men that guard the stairway leading to the rich district were gone. Something was wrong, because the guards of Serma were always where they needed to be. Hell, I trained more than half of them. I scaled the nearest building and crouched down low. It was hard to see in the dark, but I could still hear. There was a soft rustle of metal that seemed to be coming from nearby. I slowly made my way to the edge of the roof and looked down to the alley below. I saw a portly man trying to hide two men in regulation guard armor, blood pouring from their throats. This man was precise with a blade, and I was unarmed. It didn’t bother me at all.
I jumped down for a fifteen foot drop, and landed right behind the man. He tried to turn, but I delivered an elbow to his cheek that spun right back around. Grabbing his arm, I twisted it behind his back, my hand holding his tricep and my bicep pushing back his forearm. I was in complete control of him now. But he still had a sheathed sword attached to his hip.
“If you reach for that sword with your other hand, I swear I will break more than just your arm.” I pulled his arm back slightly, and the man let out a small yelp. “Now why the hell did you kill these two men?” The man didn’t respond. “Answer me, dammit.”
“Damn you,” the man said, spitting on the ground in front of him.
“That was the wrong answer.” I couldn’t help but smirk as I said it. This man deserved what he was about to get. I stomped down on the back of his calf as I wrenched his arm backwards. He screamed at the top of his lungs as he collapsed to the cobblestone ground, his arm hanging limp at his side. I bent down to grab the sword out of his sheath.
“I did my job here,” I thought, “The guards can handle the rest.” I began walking home again. This time, my trip was uninterrupted. I lay down on my bed and fell asleep almost instantly. Just another day for The Larvali.
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Edited by SaviorsBlood: 6/14/2015 11:29:54 PMOkay, seeing as how I'd want constructive criticism with my original work, I figure I'll offer some to you, so just to inform you ahead of time, this is for your benefit, and by no means am I trying to instill failure in you. Let's start with the cons: I only noticed a few misspelling errors, but the matter that I want to address above all else is finding a balance between simple sentences and more complex ones that utilize compound thoughts. Often times, words referring to your character are used repeatedly. One of the most effective ways to negate the overuse of words is combining sentences. For instance in your piece above: "I stepped to the edge and scratched my close-cut beard. I looked down below. A few hundred feet down was a huge lake." ...can be revised to read something along the lines of... "Stepping to the edge, I scratched my close-cut beard, looking to a huge lake a few hundred feet below." By doing so, you've significantly decreased the repetition and created more flow with fewer sentences, especially if you do this more often throughout. Don't worry, it takes a little practice, and sometimes I still have to watch myself closely. Keep in mind, short sentences can be far more powerful than long, complicated ones, like your closing sentence, "Just another day for the Larvali." Another point I want to address is that, from what I could infer, this appears to be a fantasy, with the ancient warrior order, torches, and castles suggesting that kind of world. While I'm not necessarily recommending you have your characters speak in a formal Old English sort of manner, certain phrases detract from the atmosphere you'd experience in a fantasy because they fit more in a modern 21st century kind of atmosphere. With that being said, this is a stylistic preference, so in the end, that part's up to you. As far as pros go, I have to say you did well to introduce your character, all the while leaving a lot of mystery about this world, its culture, people, and contents. You've teased us about this warrior order that this Larvali is part of. You suggested that there must be a vast amount of skill required when you mentioned he trained the guards and also when he dispatched the assassin. Knowing more about this Serma and the history behind what has been presented is still a curiosity that a hooked reader would want to learn more about. So in that sense, you've done well to create more questions in the reader's mind than answers, which is a good way to start a story. Overall, I'm curious to see where you go with this. I have a fantasy in the works as well. In fact, it's been my oldest story concept, standing at around ten years old or so. It wasn't until last summer I decided to start putting it through an official development phase. Sometime, I'll put the little pieces in here. While I appreciate what reviews I did get, I'd like to get some more feedback on it. Keep it up, Strogger. You could have something going for you here, although I don't know what the game you say inspired this is.